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Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

by  Mellers

Posted: Thursday, May 31, 2007
Word Count: 543
Summary: A health segment on "The Colbert Report" Stephen fills us in on the health issues facing America today.

Nation, let's get straight to it...

This is...

“Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert DFA”!

We begin tonight with Hormones...

According to the Associated Press, lavender and tea tree oils found in some shampoos, soaps and lotions can temporarily leave boys with enlarged breasts, or gynecomastia, by mimicking the female hormone, estrogen and blocking the male hormone, androgen. Lavender oil in particular causes testosterone levels to plummet.

Boys don’t need breasts! Hormones already make teenage boys blush, dress in black and write poetry - they need all the testosterone they can get! Testosterone is there for a reason – balls. And folks, if there’s one thing I know about it’s balls.

And that’s why I recommend...

REACHES UNDER DESK AND BRINGS OUT BOTTLE VaxaDrinE Lotion! It’s pure testosterone and it’s the only hormone lotion recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA.

Warning, VaxaDrinE Lotion may cause pinkeye, flaming nostrils and extraneous limbs.

Oh, and by the way, potheads? Marijuana has also been linked to gynecomastia. Think about that the next time you light up your doobies. You just might end up with some boobies…

Next, DNA...

Professor Peter Piper of the University of Sheffield, England – evidently taking some time off from picking pecks of pickled pepper – has discovered that sodium benzoate, an ingredient in diet soda drinks like Diet Pepsi and Pepsi Max has, quote:

“The ability to switch off vital parts of DNA”

Sorry, sodium benzoate, you can’t just switch off parts of my DNA! Nobody can play with DNA except God – he designed it and only he can change it. But, since we are all one in the mind of God, and I am a piece of God, nobody can touch DNA except God…and Dr Stephen T. Colbert.

So…DNA, meet the DFA…

To strengthen your molecular structure I recommend...


VaxaDrinE – the only DNA enhancement product recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA. Now in powder form, which can be added directly to your soda!

Side effects may include raging halitosis, intense apathy and clown-foot.

Next up, Eye Care…

“AMO Complete Moisture Plus Multi-Purpose Solution”, a contact lens cleaning and storage solution, has been recalled after 138 users of the solution contracted acanthamoeba keratitis, an infection associated with a parasite found in soil and fresh water.

I’ve said it before, folks: contact lenses are the devil’s frisbees. Only evil can come from wearing them. That’s why I stick with my glasses...

Besides, contact lenses just don’t give you the same air of authority and gravitas – if my face was naked how could you trust me? Frankly if I’m not wearing these I don’t trust myself to put my shoes on the right feet.

My advice, Nation? Ditch those lenses and get some face furniture.

But until such times as you get your glasses prescription filled, I recommend...


VaxaDr”Eye”- to keep your contact lenses squeaky clean.

It’s the only contact lens solution recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA.

Caution - side effects may include frequent profanity and slight cyclopsism.

Well, that’s it for Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA.

Remember Nation, follow my advice, and I’ll see you…in health!