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The cost of lost love


Posted: Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Word Count: 399
Summary: This piece was written during what will be amongst the most traumatic periods I will ever experience. This is my life, my feelings, my words but I write it as a tribute to everyone who understands the meaning of it and with a very special person in mind.

As I lay here alone under the darkness of night in a strange bed I wait for the small relief of sleep to envelope me,
But it will take me to a place I have no wish to be,
To be with people I’ve no wish to meet.
I think of her and our children further than a heartbeat away,
Curled up asleep, safe and warm with no fear of the waking or the day that will lay ahead.

I think of flowers but they have no colour or scent.
I think of birds that whistle but do not sing.
A coldness grips my body and I feel the void where once my heart did beat.
I see a face in the mirror, a face I do not recognise.
The person stares back at me with tear stained cheeks and haunted, lifeless eyes.
All the time his eyes question! Question! Question!
I do not know the answers.

I open my eyes and realise another night has passed without sleep.
Outside the cold grey morning dawns and so with it the realisation of loneliness.
The sun will not shine in my day today, in the sky nor in my heart.
Within hours my loved ones will awaken from their slumber and the sun will shine for them because,
it seems they have more to live for.
Friends say that it will be like that for me once again
I hear the words but cannot and probably do not want to believe them.

What is the point of having a heart that can skip a beat?
What is the point of seeing colour and smelling sweet scents when the only person you have ever loved is asleep in the bed that was once yours to share?
What is the point of anything when her heart no longer beats to the rhythm of your own?
Or when her burning fire of desire for you has long since diminished.

The greatest gift a man can give his wife in parting, is to do what he always tried to do when they were together.
Wouldn’t he give her anything to make her happy?
The ultimate sacrifice I must face for the rest of my life is to give her the freedom that she desires, her happiness.
She will never comprehend the pain that I will bear always and forever after giving her just that.