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Manhunt.

by choille 

Posted: 10 June 2005
Word Count: 1818
Summary: Twa Craws= Two crows. I Wrote this a while ago and would like to know if it makes sense.
Related Works: Forbidden Fruit. • 

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To my mind there were two types of codes, our ones and the grown ups ones. Ours were simply to hide where we were going or what we were going to do. The adults ones seemed a lot more complicated.

The play park at the side of the council flats backed onto the old railway yard. Abandoned, boarded up buildings became out secret domain. We came in our droves, the whole of primary seven, and upwards. Sometimes the younger ones had to tag along if it was a wee brother or sister we’d been made to mind. Apologising to the others for their presence, they’d acquiescently grumble, knowing it would be their turn soon. But we’d never take the little ones to the ‘inner sanctum’, as we called the old Ticket Office. A hidden plank would be retrieved from a bramble entangled ditch and erected sixty degrees against a high window sill, maybe ten foot off the ground. You had to climb slowly, clutching the bending joist with hands either side like a bear and inch your way up, lift the flap of conti-board and squeeze in through a windowless frame. Balancing on the narrow ledge you swivelled around and lowered yourself down onto stacked, upturned tea chests. That was until Big Senga
had plopped right through the bases of a few, scratching her woollen tights into tatters, cutting her legs and turning them red. She’d been kept in for a week, but didn’t tell her folks where it had happened. We’d then spent a whole evening nicking bales from Wully Wilson’s barley field, passing them like parcels to a straggley line of kids until we got them to the ditch and then four bigger boys pushed them up the plank, which was a feat in itself, and stacked them like a staircase inside the window entrance. Once up in the eaves, above the glass screened office, there was a thick rope tied to the rafters, it was knotted every foot or so. You had to shin down through a boley hole in the floor, into the musty office below. Some girls wore long trousers, the boys all wore short pants, so most of us had scarted legs and scabby knees. Wellies offered some protection.

The varnished, wood lined office had three dining room chairs with ripped leatherette seats, oozing out wadding. A tiny horse shoe shaped cast iron fire place with a cracked olive green tiled hearth sat against the middle of one wall. Above it hung a map of Scotland with Fife outlined so it looked like a dog’s head with the East Neuk the penned in nose.

There was a roll top desk with dusty drawers open and empty. A pigeon hole shelf sat under the mahogany counter which was dished at the glass partition to take the ticket money. Everything was coated in mouse droppings and gritty grime that had accumulated since Beeching shut the door. We’d sit on the busted chairs or floor listening to Radio Caroline on a tinny transistor - talking, playing cards, occasionally coughing and spluttering on a shared, filched woodbine - lit candles guttering wax across the counter. The Ticket Office was butted to the Waiting Room, which had two broken benches. We’d managed to get an extra three dozen bales up the plank, through the roof, dropped them down the loft and lined them in rows in this bigger room for when we had meetings or parties and that.

Older brothers drove motor bikes, scrapped, handed down Cortinas and Minis up and down the tracks. Some nights we played MH, manhunt. Thirty kids divided into two teams with torches roaming a two mile radius, the hunted and the hunter, catching eyes in the beam, a fox out strolling, rabbits nibbling at embankments, as we seeked the hidden ones.

Billy Brown and his wee sister Megan were poor, wheezy, nervous things; pudding basin haircuts, old clothes and legs so thin you could see the bones jutting out at the back of their knees. Megan wore thick pink NHS glasses that had been mended with a plaster. Billy always had a trail of snot running out of his nose. If there was anything doing the rounds that was catching, he caught it. They wore wellies in winter, plastic sandals in summer and large black duffle coats all year round, that they were expected to grow into. They got the name of the Twa Craws. Huddled together whispering secrets, they would both answer questions in harmony. Their dad a large, angry man was proud of his nick name Killer Will, on account of him being able to slaughter and skin more beasts per hour than any of the other abattoir workers. It was piece work so he had a fat wage packet, but most of that ended up down the Boat Tavern toilet.

One filthy winters night the word went up that the Dykers, our enemies from an adjoining village, must be playing MH on our patch
as they’d seen the flash of torches from up in their flat. We were sitting on the swings in the pitch black when Robbie and his cousin Gnasher came running to tell us. Territory was divided by the burn. Generally we stuck to the west side they kept to the east.

Robbie and Spider Brain went chapping on doors to muster troops while us lot filled our pockets with big stones and gathered switches of hazel and willow from the municipal planting. Plook wanted to dip the ends in dog dirt, but she was voted down fourteen to eight.

Spider Brain appeared back, walking with the awkwardness of a deep sea diver. He’d tennis rackets tied to the soles of his boots, reckoning they were snow shoes. We laughed so much he took them off in the huff and hid them in a dustbin. We waited for the rest to arrive and then set off up the siding , forty odd of us. Leggy had the whistle to toot out instructions - directions and so forth. We’d learnt this from the drumming and marching classes at the youth club and had adapted it to our own code. And not, as Plook used to brag to the little ones, from the Orange men.

By the time we reached the goods yard the sleet was slanting down, getting down wellies and the backs of necks.

‘ Look.’ Shouted the Twa Craws in unison, and pointed their torches in the direction of the main platform several hundred yards away. But how they saw anything at all from beneath their hoods was beyond ken.

Leggy blew a single blast. We all stopped, switched off our torches and hunkered down in the slushy mud. Everyone had seen the dim bobbing lights ahead except Spider Brain.
‘ What’s happening?’ He whispered.
‘ There’s twenty or so up at the main drag.’ Someone hissed.

We held a quick council and decided to split into two. One lot were to cut over to Wilson’s barley field and edge along the barbed wire fence while the others crept along the burn to the Tarzan swings. There were two suspended from the metal bridge - long pieces of heavy rope with a tyre tied on at the end.

In our group Big Senga was the first across, skimming the swollen stream, causing water rats to dart from their hidey holes, and soaking already sodden clothes. Both groups planned to end up on either side of the main drag where we’d have the Dykers in a pincer movement, pelt them with ammo and whip them like spinning tops back to Cellardyke. Or at least that was the plan.

Scrabbling up the slidey banking on the other side we saw the blue flashing lights and heard the nee naw, nee naw of the siren.

‘ It’s the Polis.’ Gnasher shouted needlessly.
We edged forward slowly, unsure, torches clicking off. We started emptying our pockets and laid down our flails.
Three short whistles came from our left. Creeping around the dilapidated, wooden engine shed we heard the others inside, stamping wellies on the concrete floor and blowing on frozen fingers. Leggy volunteered to go on and have a closer look. Gnasher, his teeth chattering so hard his braces had locked together, went with him. Big Senga had unclamped him with her Swiss Army pen knife, as I held a torch aloft, like a grand inquisitor. I would have said in my best Nazi voice,
“ Ve av vays of making you tawk.” But I didn’t think of that till after.
A while later we could hear distant shouting, dogs barking, but couldn’t see much through the blizzard except white whirling flakes that had become an hypnotic blur, and an eerie orange glow in the direction of the station.

When Leggy and Gnasher arrived back to report after ages, they stood about, shrugging off questions and took the Twa Craws away to one side. I tried to listen. But only caught the odd word.
“ Fiddled with…Lynching…Stramash…”
The two silently went off home, then we all got the proper tale.

Bob Bett had called at the Twa Craws house for Wee Billy, who was out, but Killer Will had invited him in, stinking of drink and his trousers undone. He’d made a grab for him and tried to rip his breeks off, and that. Wee Bob had ducked and dived and managed to get out the back door and run home in a right state. Bob’s da had got his mates from the fishing and they’d gone out to give him a hammering. More and more had joined the noisy throng. They’d spied their quarry down at the harbour eating a black pudding supper and given chase. Killer Will had run up to the old railway station to hide and bashed his way into the Waiting Room. Big Maulky, Bob’s Uncle had set fire to it by pushing a petrol soaked rag through the splintered door. Well, what with the bales, and that, it had gone up like a torch.

By the time we got up to where the crowds were gathered the fire engine had arrived and filled hoses from the burn. Everyone was stood on the tracks. Wivies with folded arms were clustered in bunches muttering. The sparks danced up to the snowy sky, slates cracked, slid down and smashed on the platform. The Polis were there pushing back folk with orange-lit upturned faces. It was like bonfire night gone wrong. Roof lights exploded, showering down glass, which I stamped on hard with the heel of my welly. It made the same noise that happens inside your head when you crunch on sweeties.
What really got me was the way folk with Rangers scarves were stood next to men with Celtic scarves all cheering together when the roof - sort of - crashed in on itself.







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Comments by other Members



Roz at 11:56 on 12 June 2005  Report this post
Great stuff, Caroline! Chock-a-block full of carefully and clearly observed action. Loads of nostalgia unbogged down by sentimentality (hooray!). Love the dry pragmatism of "He’d made a grab for him and tried to rip his breeks off, and that." It's the near afterthought of "and that" that really gets me.

There's a lot of narrative/scene-setting at the beginning of this piece. It's lovely writing (don't get me wrong) and it made me want to keep reading, but somehow I found it top-heavy, more a passive summary of events rather than an engaging series of scenes. (Erm... what's that old adage they always trot out? "Show don't tell.") Anyway, could you have been warming up for the real start of the story? That happens (for me) with the entrance of Billy Brown and his wee sister Megan.

You many not agree of course, but I'd suggest you either (a) go back and turn the opening paragraphs into proper scenes (like the rest of the story is presented from the Twa Craws' intro onwards) or (b) find places later on where you can insert a (briefer) description of the old railway office or (c) do some judicious editing upfront so that the reader gets swept into the action faster.

Hope this helps!
cheers,
~roz

ps: the story features a million-and-one sketchily drawn characters but their multitude or sketchiness didn't bother me one bit. The important ones stand out a mile, like the Twa Craws, Spider Brain, Plook, Big Senga... the names are delicious!






Becca at 14:22 on 12 June 2005  Report this post
Hi Caroline,
I really enjoy your stories about childhood, I can see it all happening. I like the way the childrens' world is so separate from the adults'. The way the two worlds come together at the old railway station is neat, and shapes the story well. You could make a whole anthology of these stories, they are vivid.
Maybe written in the simple past would give it a sharper edge, [thinking about what Roz said]. I do think you've got such a wealth of characters here that you could draw on for a lot of other stories.
Becca.

choille at 21:31 on 13 June 2005  Report this post
Roz,
Thanks so much for reading & your comments. I felt that I had to set the scene to explain about the importance & privacy of the gang hut to the kids - it's their secret domain and the fact it was a tinder box with the wood lining & the straw bails. Maybe it's a bit overlong & boring? God sometimes it is so hard to see the wood for the trees. I think I've written it so many times I'm fed up to the teeth with it.

Becca,
Many thanks for your kind words again and taking the time to read it.
Sorry but what is 'the simple past' Don't know what this means?
Thanks
Caroline.

Dreamer at 02:45 on 14 June 2005  Report this post
Hi Caroline,

Nice story. What is Radio Caroline? I thought it was just you talking but then you wouldn’t require a transistor.

I liked this, ‘but most of that ended up down the Boat Tavern toilet’.

Here we don’t know who they are. ‘One filthy winters night the word went up that the Dykers, our enemies from an adjoining village, must be playing MH on our patch
as they’d seen the flash of torches from up in their flat’.

I know what you are trying to say here but to me it doesn’t work the way you say it… then again it could just be our language barrier again. ‘Spider Brain appeared back, walking with the awkwardness of a deep sea diver’.

I like the voice of the narrator. E.g. ‘Gnasher, his teeth chattering so hard his braces had locked together, went with him. Big Senga had unclamped him with her Swiss Army pen knife, as I held a torch aloft’, ‘Roof lights exploded, showering down glass, which I stamped on hard with the heel of my welly’. Stuff is mentioned that an adult just wouldn’t say which is really good. You have a knack for that. That being said I think her voice slips in some places to an older version. My picture of her keeps shifting a little from a little girl to an older woman.

I loved the description of the place. Again, I felt I was there. Where did you get this from? An old train station and your imagination or did you hang out in a place like this as a child? Your descriptions are so good the reader figures it must be autobiographical. Well done.

Brian.


Joel at 03:09 on 14 June 2005  Report this post
I think this has got of a lot of good stuff in it and I really got a sense of the place and the time, but I’m wondering if you are trying to cram too much in. I mean in terms of characters and descriptive prose.

In my opinion the story really starts from “Billy Brown and his wee sister Megan were poor,”, but before that there is a very detailed description of the hideout. This is well written, but I don’t think it hooks the reader. It doesn’t really raise any questions that make you want to carry on. I was wondering if the paragraph about Billy Brown and his sister should come first and then a trimmed description of the hide away come later. I don’t think we need that much detail about their den.

I also got a bit confused by the number of names that where mentioned. The only characters that we really find out about are the brown family, but loads more are in the story. At they moment they are nothing but names.

I suppose the story is really about a child growing up and discovering how the realities of adult life in someway mirror childish games. However I sort of felt that the narrator was merely a spectator and not really involved in the story. Does that make sense? I know he/ she is involved in the search for the other gang, but that is really all. Maybe it would be more dramatic if she witnessed Killer Will being chased and then burnt?

I’m just writing my thoughts as they come to me, so if this sounds like babbling that is because it is.

Nonetheless, I hope it’s been of some use.

Good luck with it

Joel


choille at 08:41 on 14 June 2005  Report this post
Thanks Brian,
Yes I know what you mean.

Radio Caroline was an illegal Radio Station based on an oil rig off shore that was very good in the 70's.
Yes I used to play at an old railway station.

I take on board what you say about the narration.

Thanks it's appreciated.

Thanks Joel,
I know what you are all saying now, it does need a major edit - Oh God, I think i can't be bothered with it any more. I think I'll hide this again somewhere and redo it when the bad weather comes again - probably july.

Thanks everyone it's good of you take time out on this.
Caroline.


Becca at 20:21 on 14 June 2005  Report this post
Hi Caroline,
it's just 'we kept', 'we climbed'. You know where you have 'a hidden plank would be retrieved'? -- that's in the passive, which in itself tends to slow things down, so -- 'we kept a plank hidden which we propped against..' Or, 'we climbed slowly, clutching the bending joist and inched our way up. -- 'we/you shinned down.' I know it's a bit of a tricky one because you're writing about something the kids all did habitually and in the past. But I think it's worth tweeking the tenses around so that some more of them are in the simple past and some of the passive constructions are changed to active, (the do-er of the action begins the sentence, rather than the object being the thing of importance and coming first). That make sense?
Becca.

shinykate at 23:43 on 25 June 2005  Report this post
Hi, Caroline.

I always really enjoy your stuff, and this is no exception. The way it opens grabs, as ever - sets out in clear parameters the subject the story is going to explore. The way I've described it makes it sound too formal, though, 'cos the tone is just right.

Your writing has a real rhythm to it... 'We came in droves, the whole of primary seven, and upwards,' for instance. This gives the piece a real pace, and is atmospheric.

I have nothing really to add to what others have said, but wanted to pick up on why I feel this piece reads so well.

Kate


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