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The power within
Posted: 28 June 2005
Word Count: 58
Summary: Nothing specific
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Peace
comes as gently
as butterfly wing
on stamen;
golden dust on waiting legs,
sits in the wings
with beating heart. When
panic jostles,
makes her entrance alone,
holds out her hands
to draw me in; I
turn
to welcome serenity.
She
is there, but I
so often forget that
She is mine
to open up and imbibe.
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Comments by other Members
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 engldolph at 23:17 on 28 June 2005
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Hi Joanie,
I very much like the overall feel of this...the butterfly image...delicate power of peace...and some wonderful lines, like:
Peace
comes as gently
as butterfly wing
sits in the wings
with beating heart. When
panic calls,
makes its entrance alone.
Peace
holds out her hands
to draw me in;
She is mine
to open up and imbibe.
The repeated form felt a bit too much... I felt like you have a form first, before the words..
I might experiment by dropping a couple of the "Peace" words...let the other words speak for themselves... you can always put the peace back in if it screams (quietly) to be there...
and I might think of leaving it at 4 stanzas...I understand the 5th..but the definitive wrapping up seemed to nail ot down too hard...
I think there is much to work with here.
Enjoyed
Mike
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 joanie at 14:55 on 30 June 2005
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Paul, many thanks. I have tried yours and Mike's suggestions. Still playing around, but it is improved, I think.
Thank you all for reading.
joanie
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 James Graham at 16:44 on 30 June 2005
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Is it necessary to have this other character, 'Calm', making an entrance? I'm not sure Calm is so different from Peace that you couldn't have
sits in the wings
with beating heart. When
panic calls,
makes her entrance alone |
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'Panic calls' doesn't seem quite right. I keep thinking in terms of panic as a crowd. Maybe that's just a personal take on panic, but in the poem it would contrast with the serene, solitary entrance of Calm/Peace. I.e. if panic were to 'jostle' or 'hustle' or 'shoulder'?
Your butterfly image is elegant.
James.
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joanie at 19:44 on 30 June 2005
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Thank you for wise words, James. I have made a few more changes. I appreciate your input.
joanie
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James Graham at 19:14 on 01 July 2005
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This poem looks better and better. Nearly 'there' now, I would think. Full stop after 'legs'? The next idea after the butterfly image is too different to be separated by just a comma. To start a new sentence with the verb 'Sits' is very effective. It's sort of Ted Hughes style, the action is highlighted - in this case ironically, as 'sits' is passive, a non-action, yet Peace sitting is more powerful than panic pressing in.
'Presses in' is ok...I'd still go for 'jostles' (but maybe it's not formal enough).
Leave out 'placid'? Two reasons - (1) placid seems implied by turning to welcome serenity; (2) but not yet placid, surely? What I read into it is: I turn (still feeling reverberations of panic) to welcome serenity (which I will presently enjoy.) Anyway, serenity is a far better thing than placidity - it has connotations of wisdom. Forget placid. Placidity's dumb.
James.
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James Graham at 19:41 on 01 July 2005
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I just now noticed your 'nothing specific' at the head of the poem under 'Summary'. That's more revealing than you probably meant it to be. You are very good at 'nothing specific' - something by no means every writer is good at. I mean you write about abstract concepts, 'Peace', 'Decency', in a way that can get readers (this reader, certainly) involved and coming back to the poem many times. I've yet to put my finger on what exactly makes these poems work - partly the form, short lines, conciseness; partly imagery - but they do work. I know this isn't the only thing you do in verse - for example, there's a very specific sky in your poem 'Contrasts'. But you can make abstraction work too.
James.
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joanie at 07:23 on 02 July 2005
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OK, I've tried 'jostles', but I'm not sure. I'll stay with it for a while and see! Thank you again, James, especially for your interesting observations!
joanie
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