|
|
 |
SOS
Posted: 20 July 2003
Word Count: 68
|
Font Size
|
|
A flash streaks the bay
broken white water in it's wake
Waves surmount harbour wall
salt washing deserted quay
Clouds scurry across grey sky
releasing corpulent raindrops
Lightening slashes yellow
Accompanied by growling thunder
Red flares jostle the sky
illuminating storm lashed mariners
Unknown victims cling to conciousness
eyes scanning the turbulent horizon in hope.
Strangers now saviours appear like angels
extricating the undead from a watery grave.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 fevvers at 12:24 on 21 July 2003
 Report this post
|
This has some great writing in it, but I also think you're over explaining a little. Try going through the poem and taking out the obvious images or even parts of them and see what you're left with. For example, in your first verse "A flash of orange/ streaks across the bay/ leaving broken/ white water in it's wake". A flash and streaks are pretty much the same device, try taking one or the other out to see what it does "Orange streaks across the bay/ leaving broken white water in it's wake" or "A flash of orange across the bay/ leaving broken white water in it's wake". Here, we, as readers, see the colours become very important, we see the juxtaposition more, the orange against the white (with slight hints toward Red-Cross like danger alarm because it's a flare, or even emergency services).
By doing this kind of thing the images become more alive, more vivid, rather like the people in the water. Rather than sticking to the language of the scene, think about using less usual words in your descriptions. Perhaps you could start with a more explored detail, eg in the first verse could a simile be used? is the orange like anything? is the white? What would it taste like, smell like, feel like? Is there anything the waves are totally opposite to that would make you think of the waves even more? This would give the poem an energy that would connect the reader more wholly to the SOS.
An exercise to try is to find five words out of the poem that you really like and then go through a thesaurus and find five synonyms and a few antonyms for the words, and then work as many of these words into a poem. Don't take a huge amount of time finding the words, as it's just an exercise, but what it does is extends your creative vocabulary.
I hope this has been helpful. I really enjoyed reading your poem.
Cheers
| |
LONGJON at 05:28 on 22 July 2003
Report this post
|
Hello Pene,
When you write a piece like this you stand on such a wide stage and relate a tale of such breadth.
Jacqueline suggested to me recently that I try to look closer at what the poem I was trying to put together was really all about, and she was right, I was trying to do too much. I've just refocused the piece and I have to say it does work better.
May I suggest trying a new piece where one aspect is picked out of SOS and treated as the central idea? i know it worked for me. You might just find that there are several pieces in this one poem. Hope I don't sound like a five minute expert!
Keep writing and posting.
John P.
| |
Lisa at 10:36 on 02 August 2003
Report this post
|
John and Jacqueline both have good points. here Pene.
This is a very broad subject and accumulation of events you are covering which could be filtered down to just one aspect: the real-time of the storm maybe, or the rescue group.
There are some great images in your writing. "Corpulent" is a great way to describe the raindrops! As is the term "jostling" when describing the stormy sky. As Fevvers suggested, leaving us with an air of mystery, being less explantatory might be a good thing to try. Do you need the word "storm" in the fifth stanza? Or the word "lightening" in the fourth?
Lovely piece of writing - very evocative and colourful.
Lisa
| |
pene at 15:52 on 12 August 2003
Report this post
|
Thanks for all your comments, it has taken me a little while to get around to having another try, but try I have and would appreiate any comments on the new version.
best wishes Pene
| |
Lisa at 16:02 on 12 August 2003
Report this post
|
Feels much more concise - though I must admit it's difficult to remember the original. Could you post it again as a comment maybe?
I still think - and this is just personal opinion - the words "lightning", "thunder" and "storm" could be replaced with more challenging words that don't directly tell the reader what you're describing but still gives the feeling. For example: lightning could be described as "scratches" or "cruel fingers"; thunder as a "throaty growl" or a "bellow" - don't necessarily use these examples, they're just the first thing that popped into my head, but you get the idea.
But I can only look at a poem as I would write it, so by all means keep your language if it's part of your personality on paper. (In other words, don't let me put words in your mouth!)
Glad you've kept in the word "corpulent" - good 'n' meaty word, that!
Nice piece of writing.
Thanks
Lisa
| |
LONGJON at 21:40 on 13 August 2003
Report this post
|
Hi Pene,
Well done, you've focused without detracting from the central theme. Like Lisa I love the "corpulent raindrops", I have this image of enormous drops, like transparent pears, falling out of the sky and thudding into the sea.
Keep on posting,
John P.
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
