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Look Right Through Me

by BorderBound 

Posted: 19 August 2005
Word Count: 1671
Summary: part 1... Ok! I have FINALLY commited myself to ONE story instead of starting and never finishing! note: chapter 1/30

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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.



She walked through the corridors of her naked school, Lacking in all that mattered. Enya, named after the famous singer songwriter... in her eyes only another expectation she had to follow.
“Enya! Come on!”
“I’m coming you annoying woman!”
Fran ran ahead and spoke back excitedly, “I can’t believe were doing this…”
“That’s EXACTLY your problem Fran!”
Fran stopped in the middle of the corridor as Enya marched passed her, “what’s my problem?”
Enya turned and gave her a serious look whilst still walking backwards, “you believe nothing!!” she stuck out her tongue, closed her eyes and turned around heading for the toilets, Fran ran to catch up,
“I do to believe!”
“What do you believe Fran? What is it that you believe?” Enya put one finger on her chin and rubbed as if in deep thought, “no, no, really, I’m being serious” she nodded charismatically and turned the corner.
“I believe in love”
Enya laughed, “oh Fran – that’s pathetic”
“Don’t you?”
Enya turned around and lifted her school bag over her head imitating Fran, “I believe in love!”
“Shut up!”
“I’m shutting up! I’m shutting up!”
The girls skipped to the toilets and walked into the same compartment. Enya took out a black marker pen and began to write,
“Here lie Enya and Fran” she spoke aloud as she scribbled,
Fran laughed, “beneath this cruel school”
“Built only for fools!”
“Beneath all of its black!”
“I hope they get heart attacks”
“Dedicated to Adam!”
“And Sophie!”
“And Louise!”
“And Matthew”
The girls laughed and sang together as they wrote the final lines,
“You don’t think it’s too much…?”
“Fran! I swear! You’ve just done it now so it’s too late anyway!”
“But saying we wouldn’t care if they died…”
“Would you care?”
“I don’t know…”
“Bull-fucking-shit! You wouldn’t care! Just like they wouldn’t care if you died”
“But I’m not going to die!” Fran protested, tying up her long brown hair,
“And neither are they you moron!”
“And besides – they’ll never know it was us”
The girls laughed and unlocked the door, in front of them were Sophie and Louise,
“Give me the pen!”
Shaking Enya handed them the marker straight away and watched as the girls scribbled all they had written off.
“You’re such fucking losers!”
“What makes you think we actually care about you writing that on the wall?”
Fran tightened her ponytail, “the fact that you were so eager to wipe it off gives us a slight indication that you care” Louise went up to Fran, “I mean – maybe” Louise’s face was now digging into Fran’s. Fran shook as she always did when there was trouble. Poor thing didn’t know when to shut up, “Not… not that you get scared”
Sophie coughed
“Of… us cunts”
“Smelly cunts”
“Sme- smelly cunts”
“Smelly. Hairy. Stupid! Never-to-be-entered cunts!”
“You… you don’t get scared by us smelly… um”
“Hairy… stupid… um”
“Never to be entered… cunts”
“Well done Fran you know a lot about your cunt”
“That’s great really… we’ll let the boys know” Fran stood there shaking and waiting for Enya to do something. Enya stood there with her own worries with Sophie.
“I swear Enya… ‘Enya’ WHAT a name… fuck, whatever… I swear Enya, we catch you doing that one more fucking time”
“I’m sorry”
“But that’s just it – you’re not sorry – you’re just scared”
“You fucking nothing. Its always about you”
Back where Fran cowered Enya caught Fran’s face just before Louise took off her glasses, and spat across her face.
Enya and Fran left the room… a sense of humiliation, lined with frustration. It never stopped.
“You said they’d never find out”
“Yeah – well, they wouldn’t have… if they didn’t happen to, well…”
“Be right behind us?”
Enya smiled and looked at Fran, “trust us!”
Fran started laughing as she wiped the flem off her face, “I guess its sort of funny”
“Right behind us the whole time! That’s classic!”
The two walked on to the lunch room. They were in their third year of high school and yet nothing had changed since day one. Still, the two only had each other. Still, they sat at the same lunch table since the very start. Still Enya would dominate the conversation. Still the two were the best of friends, they had no one else, but it was obvious to all, the even if there were others, Enya and Fran would stay together. In their school uniforms that Enya hated, and Fran didn’t really have an opinion about. The black skirts that held fashion to roll up so the boys could look at your bum. Fran’s skirt was always lower then her knees, the length of Enya’s skirt wandered as she wondered whether or not to conform. The white shirts, came in two forms, shorter sleeves for summer, and yet neither Enya nor Fran changed from their long sleeves and black blazers. ‘My black jacket hides me’ Enya would jokingly explain to her mother, to which she would respond, ‘your crazy! Its so hot outside’ and Enya would argue… then walk out of the house boiling, but far from naked. And that made her argument just.
Now the two sat at their regular table and took out their lunches.
“Peanut butter sandwiches. Always the same, never different – always peanut butter for you!”
“My mum makes them – what can I do?”
“Ask her to make you something else?”
“No… well, yeah but…”
“But you like peanut butter fucking sandwiches Fran – why are you so scared of me knowing that?”
“I’m not!”
“Time for class!”
“But I haven’t finished my sandwiches!”
“That’s ok – I’m having a premonition that you will get just about the same thing tomorrow”
“That’s not a premonition – I just told you!”
“That’s a real amazing sixth sense you’ve got here F-man… really, truly… wow”
Enya sat in class between Louise and Sophie, perhaps the worst place for her to sit. Louise and Sophie had also become another thread in the way of life, a trend in the school, just another obstacle Enya had to look out for. It was this specific class that was hardest on Enya. This was when she had to fight between who she was and what she was. Enya was a loud, obnoxious, opinionated girl who in most situations was hard to knock down. That’s who she was. But at the same time Louise and Sophie had made her weak. Weak and poor at standing up for herself. Although Enya could always easily talk back, could easily win, wouldn’t stop till the argument was hers… she had learnt that her actions and her words were temporary in these situations. What ever she said would be thrown back at her four times over and again. For there were four of them, and one of her. Two if you counted Fran, but Fran was never too good at standing up for herself, let alone for Enya.
Enya, who for all the reasons she thought herself mature was in fact immature, let her long light brown, bordering blonde hair fall over her face. It covered her beautiful chocolate brown eyes. She had good skin on good days, bad skin on bad days. Enya would cover her face with her hair and thin reading glasses that she never actually needed. They were all an attempt to shelter herself from tomorrow’s words. They didn’t know that slowly, they were killing her.
In effort to try and make Enya feel stupid and small, the girls who cornered her from both sides repeated lines that her and Fran had written on the wall. Again, a fight for Enya, needing to shut up whilst every bone in her body was telling her to scream. Louise was the first to talk.
“Tell me Enya, why do you think this is a naked school?”
Enya sat silently, copying from the board. Sophie giggled and joined in, and the two spoke between themselves.
“No – really, were… dying to know”
“Not that you care”
“Yeah – I’m sure you think were fools for not getting it”
Enya turned to Louise, “are you trying to prove that you can read? Cause it’s really not all that impressive…”
Mr. Kadrak glared at Enya, “you’re always making trouble Skinner”
Mr Kadrak, a tall skinny man with long blonde hair that he tied behind his ears in a tall ponytail. Enya hated him. But Enya pretty much hated everyone, she cursed them all back and promised herself that one day she’d show them all how much she was worth.
“Sorry sir”
“Always apologizing” he lifted his hands in despair “who here is sick of Enya’s ‘I’m sorry’s’” all the students rose their hands apart from Fran who sat at the very back of the class in silence, trying to spread her smiles.
“But sir – I”
“No but sirs! – Just out”
“Out! Get out! Its unfair to the rest of your table” Enya stood up and walked towards the door, “don’t bother going to your deputy head, I’ll just have words with him in the morning – just go home for now”
Enya slowly got up from her seat with Louise and Sophie sniggering next to her. She reached for her pencil case but Louise subtly pushed it towards the floor. Mr Kadrak watched as Enya bent to pick up all her belongings. The class was silent as Enya picked up every single one of her pencils.
“I haven’t got all day Skinner…”
“sorry sir”
The class laughed as Mr Kadrak raised his hands in the air once more “always apologising”
Enya walked toward the door, holding her bag close to her heart. She turned to Fran who smiled at her, turned to the door, opened it, and walked out.

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Comments by other Members

Becca at 22:26 on 19 August 2005  Report this post
Hi Gal,
Very vivid dialogue here! Though it felt a bit like coming into the middle of something that couldn't be quite understood. I was puzzled as your reader. I pick up that Enya is the real MC, and Fran is her sidekick, and that Enya is kind of disturbed? But I'm groping a bit here, and I guess I do have to ask what is the story really about?
Maybe you could develop the Enya character some more, she sees very strong, and then give the girl a story with a good plot-line to be in! Lol.

I picked up some typos for you:
'I do to believe'--> too
'.. the even if there were others..' --> that even?
No comma needed after 'the white shirts'
'Your crazy' --> you're
'..you think were fools..' --> we're
'Mr Kadrak, a tall skinny..' Mr kadrak was a tall skinny (otherwise the sentence isn't a sentence).
'..tall ponytail..'--> long?
'flem'--> phlegm
'..Louise and Sophie sniggering..' this would have to be sniggered, otherwise the sentence isn't one.

Also Gal, 'In their school uniforms that Enya hated, and Fran didn't really have an opinion about' isn't a sentence either. If you put the girls WERE in their school uniforms, you'd have a verb and therefore a sentence.
I had some trouble with 'The black skirts that held fashion to roll up ..' I didn't get what that meant.

I'm sure you could make something out of this, it's very energetic, but you need a story that'll give your characters something to do, if you follow me.

BorderBound at 11:49 on 20 August 2005  Report this post
I do follow you and thanks for the typos.. i never 'really' proof my work till the end and I knwo we'v talked about that before!

'held fashion' - thats the evidence that I come from a more poetic background where things dont necessarily haev to be gramatically correct.

This is chapter one though - out of about 30, so I don't know if that makes a different at all?

Thanks as always!


Becca at 12:40 on 20 August 2005  Report this post
Hi Gal,
yes it makes a lot of difference if it's a short story or a novel, because in critting novel sections you have to approach the process in a different way, and suspend a lot of observations that you'd say straight off if you were looking at the short story form, you must have found that too, critting other writers' work? - Anyway, that's why a lot of us ask other writers to say if it's part of something longer, or a finished piece.

Poetry in fiction writing is fabulous. Have you come across David Constantine's 'The Dam and other Stories'? I wrote a review of it here on WW a couple of weeks ago. He was originally a poet and from time to time in his writing he puts down phrases that are deeply beautiful! But I don't think the issue is about grammatical correctness, so much as the vital fact that a writer writes for readers, and if something is either too obscure, or made deliberately obscure, [so that the reader hears the author's voice behind the words saying 'if you're too dumb to get it, I don't care'], then the whole purpose of writing fiction is brought into question.
I do think I know what you were getting at in that sentence, and I don't refer to you in what I've written above, I just offer it as counsel.

BorderBound at 13:37 on 20 August 2005  Report this post
I understand and agree - will look out for that review of yours.

Have edited the summery,
had thought I had made it clear when I wrote that this was something I was planning on finishing (I have a tendancy to post part 1's and then part 1 of something else, and so on...

Thanks for your comments as always,


choille at 01:38 on 22 August 2005  Report this post
Don't mean to sound harsh, but the first few sentences need a look at the punctuation as they are not really sentences and are off putting to the rest of the lively prose, which I feel is a shame.

BorderBound at 14:59 on 22 August 2005  Report this post
Not harsh - you're absolutely right!
Have amended.

A huge flaw of mine is that i'm into expression... spilling words, spelling and grammer I look at afterwards, in all honesty - if I ever wrote something that I thought was 'ok' i'd get an editor to have a look, as my english is very poor. second language, and I dropt out of school at 15,

if anyone wants to edit my work let me know! :)

Still, - the first few sentences weren't sentences, I should have spotted that myself!

Ta! :)

Becca at 16:26 on 22 August 2005  Report this post
I don't think the way you work matters, you might write very fast and ignore all refinements until the end, or you might work one sentence at a time and take ages over it. But what does matter is what you present to other people, because you're saying when you upload: 'this is as good as I can get this piece of work at the moment, what do you think of it?'
So it seems to me you could be uploading work before you're ready, - and hence, our responses. I don't think you should kid yourself though that there's a conflict between stuffy grammar-loving pedantics and expressive, highly creative poets here! We're all creative, that's why we write.
It doesn't matter if your English is poor, or if you left school young, and all that,- you wouldn't be alone there.
You say 'if I ever wrote something that I thought was 'ok' i'd get an editor to have a look,..' Well a lot of us are editors and published writers and write professionally, and so when we upload work for other writers on WW to look at, we're really serious about taking their crits. on board. And some of us have got really tight schedules and so we do want to sense that someone has done their very best to produce as polished a piece of writing as they can. You could have a look at Wordschool maybe? There are writing courses on there. Taking a writing course, or joining a writing group can be really useful, because they can give you confidence and help you find your own way and your own voice. And I think you could have a strong writing voice with a lot of sas in it, if you really do want to write.
Hey, and it's not a 'flaw' that you're into expression, [though I'm not sure quite what that means, we're all expressing ourselves in our writing].
Do you mean experimental writing? If so, the thing is you'd have to have a strong command of word first, to be able to experiment with it. The only writer I can think of right now who you might be interested in in terms of experimental writing is someone called Bayard, a guy from New York who used to write for Carriage House Review, I've no idea though if you could see some of his writing on CHR site or not. He has written a lot, but I don't know where else he's published. Not very helpful, I know!
As far as editing your work is concerned, well you really have to do that yourself, we've all got enough work doing our own! [anyway, it's a skill all writers absolutely have to learn], - but there are loads of writers on WW who will make suggestions about editing and any number of other things, including boring grammar.
Just keep on writing, Gal.

Joel at 19:09 on 23 August 2005  Report this post
Really strong character this Enya! and I was glad to see death getting a mention early on, wouldnt be a borderbound story without!

I enjoyed this up to the time Enya and Fran walked into the lunch room. Then it felt as if I was being force fed infomation. I think this has loads of potential, but you just need to pace it. Give the reader the chance to digest what you are saying. Does that make sense?

I think you should double the length without saying anymore.

I also just read Becca´s monster post and what she has said is spot on. I´m also rubbish grammatically, but I always try and give something a bit of a polish before wacking it on here.

She´s also right about a writing group, I´m just finishing a distance learning creative writing course with LSJ and it´s been brilliant. Really helped me understand what I´ve been doing wrong and what I´ve been doing right.

I´ve babbled on far too long and now also created a monster text. Anyway good luck with it. I look forward to reading more.



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