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A great way off…

by Prospero 

Posted: 31 August 2005
Word Count: 241
Summary: Hi Guys, my entry for the Distant Horizons challenge


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“It’s a temporal displacement.”

I raised a cynical eyebrow. “I take it that means you have either: lost your watch, or more likely lost the plot.”

He responded with a singular digital salutation, while his left hand fluttered over the bank of switches.

Although only a Grade 4 Technician, John normally takes care of the running repairs and the driving, while I stay in the galley and make soup.

It might have been better the other way round. I would have left the computers and engines to themselves, and although John is an appalling cook at least we wouldn’t have been lost on the far side of the Galaxy with a dodgy fission drive.

The view-panel flared into life and I gazed in awe at the sight. “Oh God, John, it’s beautiful! Where are we?

Luckily, for him, I was so pre-occupied with the star-field I didn’t really register his vague mumble about Horse’s Head Nebulas. I may not be the greatest astro-navigator in the universe, I missed the Pleiades by two whole light-secs once, but at least I know the Horse’s Head Nebula when I see it.

It was at that precise moment that a ceiling panel collapsed and I was suddenly wearing something that resembled an unstrung suspension bridge.

John looked horrifed and I panicked.

“Hold still!”, he yelped, as I thrashed around trying to get free. “That’s the primary bus! If you break that connection we’re…

Dead.

Silence.






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Comments by other Members



Account Closed at 11:45 on 31 August 2005  Report this post
Hi John,
Got me thinking of David Bowie here.

I found these two paras wordy for such a short piece:

"Although he is only a Grade 4 Technician, I chiefly let John take care of the running repairs and the driving, while I stay behind in the galley and make soup.

Then again, it would have probably been better the other way round. I would have left the computers and engines to themselves, and although John is an appalling cook at least we wouldn’t have been lost on the far side of the Galaxy with a dodgy fission drive."

I think it's the sentence length, but it's your story.


Chilling ending

Elspeth

Anj at 22:56 on 31 August 2005  Report this post
John,

Love the way you've managed to create two real characters and a relationship between them in such a short space. Wondered about the first person POV cos if he's dead, he couldn't relate it ... but funny and chilling at the same time.

Great stuff

Andrea

Jumbo at 23:02 on 31 August 2005  Report this post
John

Hi

Enjoyed this. One of those 'Don't touch that' moments.

That word 'chiefly' jumped out at me! Do you need it?

Nice flash. Great ending.

Regards

jumbo


Prospero at 20:57 on 01 September 2005  Report this post
Hi Elspeth, Angela and Jumbo

You guys! Thanks so much for the comments. I have had a fiddle with it in the light of your suggestions, so if you can bear to read it again...

P.S regarding the first person presentation the MC is supposed to come across as a she, and can I get away with the post-post introduction of a holographic cockpit recorder to explain how we know exactly what happened, or am I likely to suffer the slings and arrows of outraged 'flashers for my cheek (complete with tongue embedded firmly in it)

John

bjlangley at 11:18 on 02 September 2005  Report this post
Hi John, I was some way into this until I realised they were out there in space, the first few lines have no clues I picked up on, so it surprised me a little.

Love those last lines though, and the image of someone wearing an unstrung suspension bridge is oddly entertaining.

All the best,

Ben

Prospero at 04:34 on 03 September 2005  Report this post
Cheers Ben. Glad you liked the suspension bridge! I had this image, so I tried to describe it and that's what popped out.

John

DerekH at 12:30 on 03 September 2005  Report this post
John, love that snappy writing! In this line you told us he was a technician before you said it "He responded with a singular digital salutation, while his left hand fluttered over the bank of switches" I really like that.

Great and funny scene in next to no words.

Derek.

Dee at 17:44 on 03 September 2005  Report this post
John,

This is very funny. Shades of Red Dwarf.

I didn’t notice his vague mumble about Horse’s Head Nebulas.
There’s a POV problem here. You can’t mention it if your narrator didn’t hear it.

Dee


Prospero at 04:16 on 04 September 2005  Report this post
Ooops! And a resounding clang. Probably another ceiling tile! Shades of Red Dwarf, cooo! Colour me proud.

Thanks for the comment Dee, you are quite right, I shall make a slight adjustment to the Infinite Improbability Drive.

Best

John

SamMorris at 07:32 on 05 September 2005  Report this post
Hi John,

Yes, very good! There are some great images here, the digital salutation particularly stands out.

It's almost a shame when they die at the end (although a good ending for this piece). I could imagine there's plenty more mileage in the two characters you have created.

All the best

Sam


Prospero at 08:22 on 05 September 2005  Report this post
Hi Sam

More mileage...Now there's a thought

I could do a prequel - if it's good enough for George Lucas...

'The digital salutation really stands out' - what are you like

Cheers for the comments Matey

John

crowspark at 12:58 on 05 September 2005  Report this post
John, sorry I missed this yesterday, I was following links from the week 61 challenge thingy.

This is very funny. Some great lines.

Never mind the Primary Bus, there is always a Secondary Bus close behind, in fact they often travel in threes :)

Don't think you need the "Silence" at the end.

Great flash.
Bill


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