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Love in a text
Posted: 06 September 2005
Word Count: 33
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Love in a text
@ the base of my neck rests
the print left by ur hand
burning mark devouring my soul
Can't fight it’s 2 late
Am in love
With u
Madly
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Comments by other Members
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.jpg) lang-lad at 18:35 on 06 September 2005
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M'mA,
I'm assuming the text form you've chosen is meant to express a kind of love that's not necessarily good for both sender receiver - or is that precisely what you intend by this possibly sinister little piece?
If so, it's potentially brilliantly succinct. If not ... well it's got potential that way but for me not the other because of the word 'devouring' and the heavy handedness of the love object. I'm not sure either way so perhaps a bit more context? Difficult but worth doing if you can.
Just my impression of course but I guess that's what we're here for.
cheers
eliza
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 Ticonderoga at 14:54 on 07 September 2005
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Great idea. I agree with eliza that it feels sinister at the moment, though I'm not sure it's meant to? Would like to see the language condensed even further! Keep at it.
Best,
Mike
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mamma.africa at 15:30 on 07 September 2005
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wasn't meant to be be sinister, only very intense! Love takes you and enslave you in a way. When I met the man I wrote the poem for, I willingly opened my heart and soul to love. I agree that it could be reduced even more, I am looking into it!
thanks for your comments, I really appreciated it!
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SmithBrowne at 10:29 on 08 September 2005
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Hi Manuela,
Really like what you are doing here! Don't try to remove the sinister, dangerous edge to this poem. It's integral, I believe, to its appeal. I'm glad the real relationship behind it wasn't sinister! But on the page, I think the tension created by that more-dangerous-than-average air works.
As a suggestion for tightening it further -- how about allowing the word 'rests' to move to the head of line 2? and deleting all the extraneous words that don't add to the meaning ('left by'), seeing as how text messages are very spare and cut to the bone -- for instance, something like:
@ the base of my neck
rests the print of ur hand
Each line would then be a digestible unit of sense, yet as spare as possible -- ? Or to be even more spare, by deleting 'rests' altogether:
@ the base of my neck
the print of ur hand
Though, of course, the removal of the word 'rests' will add to the danger of the poem, as it is a softening influence on the entire image of a hand marking a throat.
Just some ideas to think about as you refine -- or as you say, reduce -- this poem to your satisfaction.
Best,
Smith
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