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Child
Posted: 18 September 2005
Word Count: 63
Summary: Again!
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Born without fear,
no prejudice to blind us
only light to find us.
Pure in blood,
no concept of power
or money to offer.
Innocent eyes,
see everything the same
with no need to place blame.
Alive with amazement,
discovering the world around
by no possessions bound.
Thin concepts of love and hate,
crawling contently on earth's surface
only for education to deface.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 20:25 on 18 September 2005
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I'll come back to this poem, but something I've spotted right away - and I'm sure I'm not the only one. In the fourth verse, grammatically it would have to be 'Owning no possessions to bind'. But that spoils the rhyme. Instead, you'd have to say something like 'by no possessions bound' which is a slightly old-fashioned inversion, but that wouldn't matter. I feel too that the last three lines need looking at again, but as I say I'll come back to you on this.
James.
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 hailfabio at 00:22 on 19 September 2005
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Thanks James,
by no possessions bound is correct. I agree, missed that one...
I too am uncertain of the last 3 lines.
Stephen
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hailfabio at 17:21 on 20 September 2005
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James, great help as usual.
I've edited the poem, see what you think....
I know what you are saying about a lot of my work. Dare I say that I'm saying things that have been said before and in a better way probably. Maybe its a stage I'm going through, being a young writer and wanting to express my hopes and fears in an abstract way for my benefit.
Of course good poetry connects to lots of other people, perhaps some of my work doesn't connect with people so strongly.
I will start to write more about specific events, people, situation...... to get more unique and powerful results.
Many thanks
Stephen
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James Graham at 20:10 on 20 September 2005
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Your revision is a great improvement, so that even though the poem is very abstract, it's now stronger and encapsulates its ideas much better. As for saying things that have been said before, probably many poets would agree that they don't set out to say something completely new, but reinvent old themes for a new age. And as for your work being too abstract, when you say it's for your own benefit I can relate to that, having also written poems for my own benefit - to get the satisfaction, sometimes even therapeutic relief, of putting vague inarticulate thoughts and feelings into verse form.
But then I think you begin to want to extend the boundaries of your work, and one way of doing that is to write more from concrete observation and experience. This doesn't exclude abstract expression. You can sometimes express an abstract thought tellingly, and in few words, and that could still find a place in any future poems you write that are drawn more from experience or observation.
James.
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