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Tunnel of Projected Love

by Jubbly 

Posted: 27 July 2003
Word Count: 367
Summary: A very short film

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Int. Train. Day

A man and a woman sit opposite each other. They notice each other and there is a coy attraction. She attempts to read a book but is distracted by him.

When she looks up she catches his eye, he looks away. She stares at him, when he turns back she buries her head in her book. He reads a newspaper.

When the train rattles through a tunnel the noise of the engine becomes louder. The screen goes completely black. Teh shock of daylight bursts onto the screen. We are no longer in the train instead the man and woman from the carriage are walking through the park, hand in hand very much a romantic couple. They stop by a river and kiss passionately. The scene jumps to the same couple sharing a meal, then making love. Cut to them fighting, there is no sound but we see their torrid emotions as they rip into each other. They cry. The women is lying in bed and a baby is delivered. It is lifted up high. We see them playing with a small child and holding yet another baby. Soon they are surrounded by children and it is evident they have aged. They both look very tired. He is fed up and bored. She goes to kiss him, he turns away.

The action slows down to a normal pace. He sits alone onthe sofa staring at the TV. She sits on another sofa staring at him.

FX: All the while the rattle of the train can be heard like a heavy duty trance soundtrack.

The train comes out of the tunnel, all is bright and calm the rattling subsides.

The train stops at the next station. Close up of woman, she seems agitated and has quickened her breathing. The man leans forward.

Excuse me, do you have the time.

She looks up at him, horrifed.

No! No.. I don't.

She quickly gathers her things together and gets off the train. He watches her go then catches the eye of another woman who smiles at him. The train lurches forward once more and the man goes back to reading his paper.

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Comments by other Members

Phil99 at 09:17 on 27 July 2003  Report this post
Nice, although rather melancholy short. The only thing I can comment
on here is you might want to figure out a way to differentiate the man's
fantasy and the woman's. Are the images relating specifically to one or both of them?


Jubbly at 12:27 on 27 July 2003  Report this post
Yeah, I get what you mean. To be honest I kind of hoped people would make their own mind up on that, taking which ever side appeals to them. But thanks for the thoughts, I'll reconsider because I don't want it to be deliberately oblique. I guess I'm a bit of a closet melancholic. Thanks for your comments Phil.


Peter D at 14:51 on 27 August 2003  Report this post
Nice piece, interesting. A lot of narrative in a very small space of time - congrats.

Check it for very small typos/ small errors: 'TO READS', the time = the time? etc. Also consider breaking up the action lines into more obvious shots.

The action lines can also be tightened up to live more in the present - at the moment it reads slightly too much like prose: it needs to be more immediate, dynamic. Lines such as 'THE NEXT FEW SCENES ARE DELIVERED AS IMAGES IN FAST FORWARD SUCCESSION' break the tension and remind us we're reading rather being totally immersed in the film: can't you break up the action lines to enact this without specifing this?

The opening scene header would need a NIGHT or DAY. I'd also add a TRAIN - MOVING - NIGHT, but that's a personal opinion.

Anyway, a very dark, interesting, nicely visual piece.

Good luck with it


Jubbly at 20:09 on 31 August 2003  Report this post
Hey Pete, thanks for your feedback. The advice about breaking up action lines, is spot on. I always chicken out when I have to do that. But you're right, you need to be able to spring along with a story as if you were watching it. I'll do a re write and re post when I get a chance.



Noodles at 16:29 on 04 September 2003  Report this post
Hi Jubbly

I really like this. Excellent idea, concise, effective, speaks volumes / raises questions (to me, anyway) re: the minefield of human relationships (the uncertainties, desires, fears etc) and what people expect/want/get from them. I'd like to see you develop this (not necessarily expand), and I think it's vital that you/we know about the tunnel bit. Is it her fears? Is it what would really happen if the two got together? If it's from his POV, why does he make the opening gambit? I'd like to see the characters fully explored (off the page. Hope this makes sense. All the very best, Noodles.

Jubbly at 19:12 on 08 September 2003  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Noodles, it is definitely from her point of view but the whole piece does need development. It was short listed for a short film competition then I sort of put it aside. I'll get onto it as soon as possible.
Cheers, Jubbly

Anna Reynolds at 16:47 on 24 September 2003  Report this post
Jubbly, this made me laugh. I really liked the woman's response at the end when the man speaks to her- you've managed to do what very few short films do, and tell a story simply and visually. But drop the capitals and do think more concisely about the directions, because mostly they're all you've got, aren't they? Very sweet, and the cyclical nature of the piece is well done too- the cycle starts up again when the next woman looks at him etc. I felt it was very clearly her POV. Which comp? How long do you imagine it being in terms of minutes? remember there are lots of (well, several) digital short comps and schemes for very short shorts.

Jubbly at 20:23 on 24 September 2003  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Anna and I really must get back into this one. The comp I referred to was advertised in the WW Jobs and Opps about three months ago. They wanted films no longer than one minute. I don't know much about film, I've written a full length feature but haven't really done anything with it, again it was shortlisted for an LWT comp, seems I'm always the bridesmaid eh? Anyway if you could direct me to any short film sites I'd be much appreacitated. Whoops sorry if I sound a tad negative, I've just had a novel I also submitted to the Fiction group read completly by a publisher and a top agent. The publisher said,though very wellw ritten in parts it wasn't right for their list and the agent said, she didn't think it would sell but she liked the writing and could I write a diffferent one. Is this good news or a sign that I should pack the idea in?

Anna Reynolds at 15:15 on 25 September 2003  Report this post
You should never pack the idea in- particularly when you're getting responses as good as that. I know the only response one really wants is yes, we'd like to publish/produce it and here's the cheque, but the answer is, go back to looking very specifically at the kind of books in your arena, who publishes them, who agents the writers, etc. And keep on keeping on. This is why it's vital to do as you are and crack on with other forms of writing and other writing projects so that it doesn't become the b-all and end-all when you get a no. Film- keep checking out the Jobs/Opps, loads of film/TV ones at the moment. And for short films, best bet is to look at what schemes your local Arts Council org is running- they're nearly always planning something for new film makers/writers. And again, best bet is to try and hook up with a producer/director who is looking for writers and new projects. Several thoughts- have a look at Shooting People website, there are always people on there at this stage, and check out the bbc.co.uk/writersroom for info on all their possibilities. Although they tend not to be short film, that's more likely Film Council, Channel 4, First Film Foundation, Raindance, etc... more links on all these sites. Best of luck- this film idea is adorable.

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