Romance
Posted: 07 October 2005
Word Count: 70
Summary: Feeling romantic.... not sure this works, but here goes...
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Under the twilight we lie,
Shimmering stars,
A sparkle in your eyes,
Twinkling like diamonds,
You’re captivated,
As my hair dances,
In a gentle night breeze,
Shining moonlight,
A spotlight in the sky,
Lush green grass our stage,
We perform together,
Our melody sensual,
Conducted like an orchestra,
We quicken the tune,
To a dramatic climax,
Until a cloud hides the moon,
As the curtains close,
On our sweet symphony
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Comments by other Members
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 hailfabio at 14:32 on 07 October 2005
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Lis
This is very seductive, lots of shiney images come out. The 2nd half is weaker than the first half and I'm not sure if its a fitting direction and end to the poem given the sweet and serene begining.
Until the 'Lush grass our stage ' line u really set out well a scene with a couple in love but that line makes me feel someone is watching them and that takes away the romance as they're love making becomes a performance. I think i know what you're trying to portray here, the contrast of a calm romantic moment and then the passion of love making. But is the love making a performance for the couple or someone else?
Really nice work, creates lots of images.
Stephen
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Ambitions of Lisa at 14:46 on 07 October 2005
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Thanks Stephen...
I get what you mean yes.
I was trying to mix a little metaphor with the feeling that the scene was taking place in nature, and open air.
Also that the couple were too engrossed in the sensuality and passion of the moment so much so that nothing else mattered as they "made their sweet music".
I was thinking more of an orchestra coming together to make music, than an actual act or perfomance for an audience.
Hope that makes sense
:)
Lis
x
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 joanie at 17:38 on 07 October 2005
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Lisa, this is very sensuous and romantic. I love the idea of orchestral similarities.
joanie
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 James Graham at 15:10 on 08 October 2005
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Lisa, I like this too, and don't think the orchestra idea is out of place at all. Mixing this in with the grass and the open air is maybe a little quirky - but that's what poetry's about, bringing ideas or images together to set off a few sparks. I think it works, the musical idea gives the poem life.
James.
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engldolph at 17:29 on 09 October 2005
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hi Lis,
the part of this that struck me started with the lines..
Shining moonlight,
A spotlight in the sky, (a nice description)
which creates at first the sense of a performance -- being watched (even in your imagination, rather than literally), in the spotlight -- which heightens the sexual edge of of it -- which perhaps changes the tone from pure romantic... but then romantic without this edge can get a bit oversugared..
the only line I found a bit too cliché was
twinkling like diamonds.
enjoyed
Mike
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Ambitions of Lisa at 09:43 on 10 October 2005
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Thanks Mike, Joanie, James and Mike
I found all of your comments to be of great use and it was interesting to see how it was interpreted in different ways.
Lis
:)
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