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by ccatherine 

Posted: 24 October 2005
Word Count: 32
Summary: This is work in progress and needs polishing. As it is something I've not tried before I just wanted to know what people think there is still a lot more to say.

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feel the breeze
the sunlight’s brightness hurts
in darkness
in invisibility
devoid of restraint
would you spiral downwards?
would you sin?
fear constrains
enforces integrity
imprisons natures chains
our comfort

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Comments by other Members

Laura Hunt at 20:47 on 24 October 2005  Report this post
Hi Catherine, this is really interesting - both in the idea expressed and the form you've used. I think fear certainly constrains me at times, and maybe that can be a good thing as well as bad.

I'm not sure how I feel about suggesting changes - a poem is such an intensely personal thing, but I do wonder about the 'in' at the beginning of lines 4 & 5?

i'm also interested in what the difference is between 'illusion's our comfort' and 'illusion is our comfort' I'm reading it as the latter, but maybe incorrectly.

Finally(!) I'm not sure about the use of the word integrity - if a behaviour is enforced does it demonstrate integrity! (sorry that's the pedant in me!)

I think this has a huge amount of potential and I'm really looking forward to seeing how you develop it.

Epona Love at 21:36 on 24 October 2005  Report this post
Yes quite a striking chain, and an interesting question 'would you sin?' and Laura's point about enforced integrity.... to me the term makes perfect sense in the context, the Illusion of freedom?... what it reminds me of is the theory that religion or rules takes away our ability to make up our own minds about right and wrong/sin, and without others telling us what we should do we would probably come to the 'right' conclusion without being driven by fear of consequences. (I think that this actually comes into Carl Rogers' theory of personality)
But I am off track. This poem is wonderful as it stands, I'd love to know where you will go with it from here, and look forward to reading any updates.

Emma x.

Brian Aird at 21:41 on 24 October 2005  Report this post
Freedom is relative: to sin (break who's rules though?), to play in the sunshine, to hide in the shadows. I'm not sure you've worked out what you want to say about fear/illusions of comfort/nature's chains/ etc; but I expect you've already got further lines to show us...


paul53 [for I am he] at 07:26 on 26 October 2005  Report this post
Hi Catherine,
Uploading work in progress is always interesting as it shows the processes of the poet's mind. Unfortunately, it often then gets lost as alterations and improvements are uploaded over the original rather than added beneath it.

I would either ellucidate on or lose altogether the first line, as "feel the breeze" is - at present - an indirect lure to the main meat of the piece, but is not a strong enough hook to draw the reader in. Look upon the first line of any poem as the sign outside hoping to draw / lure in passing customers.

I'm a great fun of minimalist punctuation and lower case letters, but I think some form of punctuation is needed after "illuuminates" as I read it as more of a pause than the line break - though that is my personal interpretation.

"sunlight's brightness" doesn't sound quite right [though I know what you mean]; perhaps "sun's brightness" [as we know light is bright], "over-bright sun", "sunlight's glare" - the variations are many.

As it stands in this draft, this has the makings of a very good and strong poem with an already excellent central theme that needs little alteration. But the lead up and tailing off are weaker [and I emphasise weak-er, not weak] when contrasted against the central questions. It is not wrong if a lead-up is oblique [nothing amiss with that, Simon and Garfunkel's "The Boxer" was fairly oblique until the last verse] but it should be unerringly confident. Think back to luring in passing customers; when guiding them somewhere you have to let them feel you know exactly where you are going.

You know what you wanted to say here, but from your summary I am unsure whether you mean there is more to come [good], or are you asking do we think there should be more.

imprisons natures chains
our comfort

imprisons nature's chains? [imprisons the chains of nature]
illusion is our comfort? The apostrophe here doesn't sit right; better to put "illusion is" as many readers will be wondering if our comfort is the possession of illusion [an interesting thought] rather than the other way around.
All said, the first draft of a potentially excellent piece.

Clairebear at 06:03 on 03 November 2005  Report this post
"the sunlight’s brightness hurts"

I read this line as being forced to look at the less appealing aspects of one's character when in the company of those sorts of people that never seem to falter or make a mistake.

Very nice poem.

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