|
|
 |
Living Space
Posted: 11 December 2005
Word Count: 179
Summary: Well it seemed like I good idea when I wrote it!
|
Font Size
|
|
Where do they end and I begin?
here will do
When do I start and they end?
now will do
my time
my taste
my bedroom
my republic
my don't-cross-line
my time-out-line
my life
my space
my way; not your way
my say; not your say
my homework; not your nag-work
my hairstyle; not your cut-to-length hair
my lovers; not your come-to-tea friends
my moving away day; their on-their-own way
my last hug-for-them day; their another-what-did-we-do-wrong day
my getting married day; their great re-union day
our children arrive; (their grandparents arrive )
our children's first birthdays; our great-joy days
our children's first tantrums; our first-what-did-we-do-wrong days
our children's first school prizes ; our so-proud-of-you days
our children's first fights; our we'll-always-love-you days
our first fight; our first amicable agreement
our divorce, my rest-of-my-life way
our children thrive; we're all just-busy-being-alive
my parents change-of-life way
my parents death days
my know-what-it-means days (I should-have-visited-more they say)
my wear black days
my last farewell days
Where shall I remember them?
here will do
When shall I remember them?
always will do
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 James Graham at 18:34 on 14 December 2005
 Report this post
|
Partly a novel variation on the 'Ages of Man' theme. I notice how 'days' start to be mentioned at the coming of age. Do you mean to suggest that special days are less important to children? Apart from Christmas and birthday, I think there's truth in that - to a child (assuming a secure childhood) such things as 'my life' and 'my space' run on from day to day and seem timeless in a way they don't to an adult.
I like the form. One of the most obvious things a poem can do that no other literary form can (though many poets don't make great use of it) is that the typography can communicate something to the reader even before he/she reads the actual words. Here, simply looking at the poem before reading it, we can see that there's likely to be something symmetrical, or cyclical, in what the poem says. It's probably going to end where it began. Also we see that in the middle lines of the middle section, there's a lot more going on than at the beginning and end; when we read we find out that these middle lines are about the complicated middle part of life. It would only take a few seconds, but might be worth trying, to centre the poem and see how it looks - see if it seems to 'embody' its subject better. You would lose the vertical 'my/our' beginnings, but something else might be gained.
The framing questions and answers make it more than just an 'Ages of Man'. By the end the poem has become an elegy. Then we find that the closing lines feed back into the opening lines, at first by making clear who 'they' are, but after that by adding something to the elegy in a different key, as it were, striking a note about the continuity of life. The opening and closing lines complement one another.
Another thing that occurs is how effective this would be for reading aloud. It would have something of the litany about it, but there are lots of opportunities to vary intonation and pace.
I've been thinking about the middle section, whether it dominates the poem too much, and whether it could be reduced a little, but I can't decide on any lines that could be jettisoned without damage. Maybe other members could chip in here. The only point I'd make would be about 'my know-what-it-means days (I should-have-visited-more they say)' which could be condensed, even to 'my should-have-visited-more day' - or something better than that perhaps, expressing that guilty now-it's-too-late feeling.
Hello folks! I know it's Christmas and all that, but it would be nice to have some other comments on Brian's poem.
James.
|
|
| |
 Brian Aird at 18:44 on 14 December 2005
Report this post
|
I can see how to do bold and underline and italics, but how do you apply centering?
Brian
| |
James Graham at 17:17 on 15 December 2005
Report this post
|
Of course...I wasn't thinking about the technicalities of posting it on WW. I've asked David (our webmaster) to answer this one - if there's a way of posting texts in unusual formats, it might be useful for members to know that. So we'll see what he says.
James.
|
|
| |
 engldolph at 19:36 on 15 December 2005
Report this post
|
HI Brian,
Sorry, been busy with work so not much WW comment time.
And it is a lot to take in in one go..so I've comeback to it a few times.
I do like the theme of the forming and separation of family bonds ..to see the scope of many years condensed here..
Favorite lines which I thought very creative an sharp
- my republic
- my don't-cross-line
- my lovers; not your come-to-tea friends
- my getting married day; their great re-union day
- our divorce, my rest-of-my-life way
- my parents death days
- my wear black days
- my last farewell days
I'm not sure if you are trying a bit too much or not...
where the poem refers to you and your parents, I think it feels more together... the other references to your children and you may take it off track... I might just focus on the one relationship and the lines that match that...
I think the repetition of my works best when read aloud... written, not sure if it is too much.. maybe try dropping the my once in a while.. but maybe that changes the flow..
I think you have the makings of something good here..
enjoyed
Mike
| |
James Graham at 17:12 on 16 December 2005
Report this post
|
Sorry, David tells me that centre alignment isn't possible at the moment on WW. Obviously your poem could be centre aligned within your own document, but not posted.
What Mike says about narrowing the focus to the one relationship - that seems an interesting alternative and worth trying. If you make alternative versions of a poem, or part of a poem, sometimes one of the versions can just click. If not, the original is of course still there.
James.
|
|
| |
 joanie at 19:27 on 16 December 2005
Report this post
|
Hi Brian. I agree that this would be good read aloud. I am torn re. the 'My's.... part of me loves the repetition, the pattern, the form, but I also wonder if it could be streamlined.
I do love the way the poem progresses; at the start it is not really clear who 'they' are, but it draws us in and involves the reader. There are some brilliant phrases: 'what-did-we-do-wrong days' and 'we're all just-busy-being-alive'.
I do very much like the hyphenated words, but I think you need to lose the first hyphen in 'our first-what-did-we-do-wrong days'. Also I would like to see the apostrophe in 'parents' death days' etc., but then I'm a bit pedantic about punctuation. (I shouldn't really write that - it lays me wide open!)
I think there is so much to recognise for the reader here; there certainly is for me! I particularly like the matter-of-fact feel about this, the inevitability, almost.
Very enjoyable.
joanie
| |
Brian Aird at 09:48 on 17 December 2005
Report this post
|
Thanks for the helpful comments.
To be honest, I'm torn between sticking with the ww format, where we don't necessarily get to read stuff out loud and a local writer's group where work is sometimes read out loud. There's also a poets group.
ww is convenient (no parking problems) and because work is written down, there's plenty of opportunity to go back and re-read; rather than rely on a single reading.
What I'm finding is that only a small percentage of my ww poems work when read out loud. It's the five to six verse poems with simple lines and satisfying rhymes and conclusions that work in a reading group. The longer, more difficult work without strong rhyme and weak or no conclusion tend to bomb.
I ought to post this as a topic perhaps.
Brian
| |
 Elsie at 21:14 on 17 December 2005
Report this post
|
Hi Brian, late to this - just wanted to say I enjoyed it, especially the 'teenage' section at the beginning.
| |
.JPG) Zettel at 09:47 on 23 December 2005
Report this post
|
Brian
I think James is right about this asking to be read. Maybe thatmight be used tio address the structure question you've been looking at: ie read it out loud and let that guide you as to the structure. I fiound this when trying to write song lyrics. There the melody often drives word structure. In this case I think you would find not just that reading it in a way that works for you would alter the line structure.
Just a thought - I very much like the piece: it's a bit like that thing where you are walking along quite happily and stumble but don't quite fall and then have to scramble for what seems like ages just to avoid falling and then gradually regain your balance. Relieved.
Regards
Zettel
| |
Zettel at 20:55 on 24 December 2005
Report this post
|
Sorry about the fractured grammar. Hope it makes sense.
Z
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
