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One Bed: Two Sides

by Barney 

Posted: 10 August 2003
Word Count: 93


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His:
Books, tissues,
Forgotten lists of 'things to do'.
Clothes, strewn.
Slippers, chewed.
A crumpled beer can
Crouched like an old man.
The window and the radiator,
A magazine stashed for later.
The TV remote,
The remains of toast.
A novelty alarm clock.
A gathering of lost socks.

Hers:
Suggestive comments
In horoscopes, riding comets
To the stars,
Or the stairs.
The wardrobe and the hoovered bit.
A place to sit
And apply make up.
Friends' letters about break-ups.
Ten green bottles of perfume.
Room.
Neatly arranged dreams.

Theirs:
The space in between.






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Comments by other Members



bluesky3d at 07:54 on 11 August 2003  Report this post
Hi Barney, Male v female is a great theme an a never ending source of inspiration. This has the advantage of appealing to both sexes equally. It's very well observed. Brilliant!

one typo ... A magavine stashed for later.

Andrew

<Added>

oh and welcome to WW!

<Added>

.. looks almost like it should have been an entry for the Anna Reynolds group writing exercise about beds .. excellent (you might enjoy looking at these Barney)

stephanieE at 12:05 on 11 August 2003  Report this post
Neat, BArney, and well told... Glad to have you as part of the WW site.

Barney at 20:55 on 11 August 2003  Report this post
Thanks for the warm reception. I hope I'll get a lot from being a member... as soon as I can work out how to pay my membership without messing up!

Anna Reynolds at 11:14 on 14 August 2003  Report this post
Barney- this is lovely. Particularly liked the beer can, crouched like an old man, and the space inbetween. Do you write prose as well?

Barney at 18:11 on 18 August 2003  Report this post
What am I doing here in the ill-fated, poorly-named poetry glroup III? Anyone care to join me?

Ellenna at 18:15 on 18 August 2003  Report this post
Barney... we must stick together you are right LOL... I will join up now !

Ellie

Anna Reynolds at 19:36 on 18 August 2003  Report this post
Barney- do suggest another name...but it needs to be general enough to let people realise it's for all poets at all stages. Any thoughts?

Account Closed at 22:20 on 20 August 2003  Report this post
Barney - have just joined this group (which explains why I'm here!!) - I loved your poem - thought it was very spiky, and also moving in the way the space between belongs to the two of them - an unusual finish which has stayed with me since I read it this afternoon.

Also enjoyed the rhyme/half rhyme scheme - it would be marvellous read as a rap (or does that show my age??)

Anne B

Tina at 11:00 on 25 August 2003  Report this post
Barney
I have just joined this group and have read a lot of poems this morning
I loved this - your images have a freshness that really brings them alive.
I look forward to reading more of your work soon
with thanks for sharing
Tina
x

olebut at 08:51 on 29 August 2003  Report this post
Barney

welcome to WW dont feel affronted by the fact you are in poetry 111 it is purel that as the other groups fill new groups are created.

There is much about your poem that I like but I am not sure the spiky metre is right for it.

it gives the poem a harshness which I think would only be there if the couple didn't get on, which of course perhaps they don't.

I do think the idea works well as does the half rhyme, but perhaps by lengthening the lines you may give the poem a smoother feel to it.

still a nice idea and poem

take care

david

Josh at 09:35 on 01 September 2003  Report this post
This is a cool poem. Thanks.

Susan70 at 21:32 on 05 September 2003  Report this post
I too am new to this group and agree with the comment that although the images in the poem are very strong, the subject matter is suited to a gentler metre, as the harshness of it suggests something a bit darker.
Only my opinion but loved the polarisation of the sexes. Wel observed.

Ming at 03:52 on 09 September 2003  Report this post
Very descriptive

Tuppence at 19:55 on 16 November 2004  Report this post
liked it not into precious comments


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