Birthday Poem 1-8-2006 Revised THIRD TIME
January 8, 2006: Birthday Poem
by Sean Farragher
I rust in old streets where tar leaks
over the sky, making what is empty, full.
I do not die in this transformation.
I rest in America and watch history
as dramatic pause, keeping pace with
the guts of the streets. Step there. I am
old again. I am young in her eyes. She is
the delicate surprise that I log in my diary.
I count her. No, I court her. No, I fly
to the wind underneath her feathers. They
swish and lift my arms above her leap.
I said she was a bird. I speak of her as sweet
mouths wet with the lubrication of comets
dressed to seed sultry tectonic plates.
I do not exaggerate. How can I? There are no
lies left in the encyclopedia of stars. I drain them
with the answers I glean from wheat, corn and
the patter of her rocks above sacred landscapes.
I am not persuaded that life continues after death.
XXX
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Comments by other Members
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 paul53 [for I am he] at 11:34 on 12 January 2006
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Sean,
This is a great piece. I don't feel so much that I read it as I was taken on a personal guided tour. It is so vivid, so immediate.
I recall writing a regular birthday poem as an annual "state of the union" address to myself. Mine were never that brilliant, but maybe helped me see myself more clearly. I obviously still have some glaring fault, for many folks who've known me a while tell me: "You're an okay bloke" or similar, but manage to add a hint of mild surprise - as if the initial impression said something completely different.
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 joanie at 14:26 on 12 January 2006
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Hi Sean. I love the first part of this, especially some of the images: 'where tar leaks/over the sky', 'I make love/to the wind underneath her feathers' and 'sweet/mouths wet with the lubrication of heaven.' - wonderful! I also find the internal half-rhymes lovely: Streets/leaks, her eyes/surprise, glean/wheat. I am drawn to the similar, 'I count her/ I court her', 'I said she.../I speak of her...'.
I would be happy for it to end after 'I am not persuaded that life continues after death.', but I know that is nothing like what you intended. I think I started to lose it a bit later on, but I did enjoy it very much.
joanie
<Added>
Also loved the opening: 'I rust...' - clever.
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joanie at 19:18 on 12 January 2006
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Great, Paul. I didn't want to overstep the mark - it's your work, but I'm flattered that you decided to end the first poem there!
joanie
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paul53 [for I am he] at 06:59 on 13 January 2006
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Sean,
I meant to write more previously, but my server was playing up and kept cutting me off-line.
This is off course your poem, and while we become more and more adept at fashioning the material that emerges, I still often wonder [especially about my output] if the raw words that become that precious first draft are not closer to our inner ramblings and yearnings which, though perhaps more incoherent, are like a wild-boy suckled in the forest by wolves - closer to Nature that when washed, dressed and taught language and manners. He is still the boy from before, but more acceptably so, yet now one step removed from raw truth.
I didn't make a copy of your piece before you changed it, but I do recall being taken on that guided tour with you, and feeling no pause or sudden change of direction. This redraft is again a finely crafted piece, but to stretch the analogy, I feel the tour has paused for lunch, perhaps at a nearby gallery to take in some art with our coffee. There is nothing wrong with this, and perhaps it even helps to deliver the content in more "bite-sized" amount.
I don't see them as separate poems; more like two halves with the brief pause between. The "her" and "she" comes across as the same person, and her recollection and the continuing journey link them together.
As you may be able to see from my current input here and elsewhere, many things I previously held dear about poetry are up in the air at the moment and I'm waiting to see which bits land and which bits fly away. Consequentially, I am not even sure if my comments are helpful or mere ramblings.
Paul
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DJC at 11:46 on 13 January 2006
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Hello Sean
I haven't commented on this particular forum yet, so apologies if some of the things I say are a little critical. But, you've said you can take it, so here goes!
An interesting and ambitious piece (I've never tried a poem this long), and one which has many original images, and which works quite well as a whole. However, can I suggest a few ideas?
- get rid of the 'that' in line 8, as it scans more fluidly;
- I love 'I count her. No, I court her.' This is a poweful use of language. However, the drive in this section is slowed by the word 'underneath'. Perhaps better to use 'under', or a more original preposition, such as 'below' or even 'through'. I'm not sure about the word 'swish', either.
- 'mouths wet with lubrication' - the heaven bit is rather cliched.
- 'my encyclopedia' rather than 'the'?
- I think the change of tempo in section 2 works well. However, it begins clearly then becomes a bit of a jumble - I guess this is intentional, but is rather awkward to read.
- I find the rest rather confusing - again, I'm sure this is deliberate. But it doesn't really tell me anything, or give me a sense of what it is you are trying to do. The bird image seems lost now, which is a shame, as I think this is a very powerful image, and could be juxtaposed with the more aggressive, masculine images in the second section. Above all, there is no sense of a thematic journey here for me - I think that longer poems need to use extended metaphor to draw you through them, otherwise they can become no more than a rant, which at times this seems to be doing. Short sentences like 'Write about now' are powerful, but they are lost under a weight of random, incohesive ideas, all of which have merit, but together seem careless in their execution.
Perhaps if you took a few of the images, such as the metaphor of the 'brutal mud' (original and powerful) and the tsunami, and weave something more coherent from this. Although this has huge emotion, as poetry it just doesn't quite do it for me.
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seanfarragher at 15:58 on 13 January 2006
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Paul, I appreciate your take on the poem. Every poem is an experiment. I am grateful to your honesty,
---
DJC,
I apprecitate your comments, and respect them, and I will consider them in future revisions of these works. My impetus to write is to explode energy in layers as 16th Tempera painters painted thin layers of colour. I add layers of words, and of course, i have to cut back after early drafts, and as you put it use extended metaphors to give weight the luminosity of words. I am also a painter, and when I think in image, hue and value, I imagine how a word, out of temporal existence (say the tragedy of New Orleans and the manner of warfare in general (the 100 year wars between England and France) or how Shakespeare exaggerated the politics to create for the Elizabethian/Tudor world. The Chrusades of Bush and the Chrusades of Richard I, Churchill, etc have a connection in our linked history: American and UK. We have lived in a terrible time where more people die in storm than in a battle. More people suffer with disease (BLACK DEATH) and (HIV) or the possible future infestations of the "bird flu" -- In our world, I believe greed (as in the past manipulated with different technology and social and religious beliefs) can end the world as we known it. Global warming may change the topology and details of our social and spiritual matrix. Virtual life may take preceedence over Actual life. I do appreciate your comments. I look forward to reading your work.
Sean
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Mac AM at 16:03 on 13 January 2006
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Hello Sean, for a long way into your poem, I thought you were doing the mirror exercise that Nell has posted. I wish you'd have a go!
Again I liked some of your imagery, but ultimately I think your poem suffers from a lack of punctuation and I found myself having to revert to the beginning of sentences to work through the logic of the structures. For example I am not always sure of your grammar and because of this, I am less likely to go with the premise of your poem: and Dizzy blast his horn as Gabriel's twin.... Look in the dumpster for piece of eight.
I would be interested to know what drafting and revisioning you do. The first section seem stronger and more accomplished than the other two and seems to have been shaped and worked on to the greater effect. As though you have invested more time there than in what follows.
Also, I think you write about very contemporary subject matter in quite archaic language that can often stifle the poems. Again with the fisrst part, I am willing as a reader to read and rest and read again, but the poem could be pruned substantially and have a greater impact.
I hope this info is helpful.
Mac
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seanfarragher at 16:43 on 13 January 2006
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I HAVE SPLIT BIRTHDAY POEM. What had been Part 2 is now a separate poem: "The Garden of Earthly Delights (recently revised).... thanks
MAC AM... you are right I have to be more careful of my punctuation. I spend so much energy with images, words and lyricism that I forget punctuation does matter in a poem. I SPLIT BIRTHDAY POEM. You can find the second part in a separate post now.
I appreciate the crits of everyone of you. In American, the poetry at places like this resemble a hallmark card, and the critque is uninformed. You have a wonderful group here, and I am grateful.
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DJC at 08:59 on 14 January 2006
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Yes, this works so much better Sean. This, as a single unit, is much more powerful, as you are left with a more resonant image, whereas before it became lost inside section 2. I still think that the heaven image is rather tired - there are few poets who can reuse these sorts of images well, as they come with such baggage (I blame Milton, and 80s pop music, personally). However, it is far more cohesive now.
| My impetus to write is to explode energy in layers as 16th Tempera painters painted thin layers of colour. |
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This is fantastic!! Write about this! This comment is so much more powerful as it is honest. Have you written a poem about the links between writing poetry and painting? I'm sure you have, and if so, is there a link to it? If not, this could be very powerful. 'Explode energy in layers'. What an original way of putting it.
<Added>
PS I'm on Poetry II if you want to comment on my work.
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DJC at 18:50 on 14 January 2006
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Is there anywhere online we can see your work? I'd be really interested to see the links between the way you use words and paint.
The lines work better, but I'm not convinced by 'sultry tectonic plates'. What do you mean? Your work is fascinating, but frustrating!!!
I'll look forward to what you think of my poems. The sonnet is not finished yet, but there are some others in my archive I'd appreciate comment on, perhaps through ww mail, as it's clear to me you know your stuff.
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