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D - day

by nuala 

Posted: 21 January 2006
Word Count: 803
Summary: Hi everyone. I'm a new member and this is the very first short story I have ever written, in fact the very first anything I have ever written! I would appreciate any comments, particulary if they are constructive...I wrote this with a view to submitting it to a women's magazine.I wrote it some time agao but now looking at it it seems a bit tired and trite - what do you think?

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Violet woke up that morning feeling sick with dread. Today was the day that she was going to leave Ben, and, although she had been planning every detail of this day for months, she felt nervous and strangely emotional. As she lay in bed she looked at him lying fast asleep next to her, his arm thrown possessively over her chest, and for a moment her resolve faltered. She still felt a wave of love for him every time she looked at him. He looked so beautiful as he lay there, breathing peacefully, his long dark eyelashes still against his cheek and his black hair curling gently against the pillow.

Studying him now it was easy to remember how she had fallen deeply in love with him from the first moment that they had met . She could hardly believe that it had only been two years since she had first looked into his liquid brown eyes and felt with thrilling certainty that her life would never again be the same. She knew that the feeling was mutual. Although he had never said it aloud, he could not live without her and they both knew it. Within days of his moving in with her into her one bedroomed flat she could hardly remember her life before he came into it.

She sighed heavily. Oh she still loved him,; she would always love him, but very gradually she had begun to resent the way he had come to control every aspect of her life. She had not admitted this to anyone, but sometimes she felt that his need for her was sucking the life –blood out of her. At the beginning, she had loved going everywhere with him. She was so proud to be seen with him. She had enjoyed noticing other women stealing admiring looks at him –let them look, she thought, he was all hers .. She had been amused to notice how just one look from him would melt even the coldest of hearts . Only yesterday the grumpy old dear serving at the post office positively simpered like a lovesick teenager when he fluttered those eyelashes at her, as he knew she would.

In some ways her life had changed for the worse. From the first, he had wanted to spend all of his waking hours with her, so much so that he seemed to resent having to share her with her friends who had gradually stopped visiting. At first, she had found this rather sweet and touching but for the last few months she had started to feel suffocated and isolated.. He had made it clear that he didn’t like her going out without him. The last time she went out in the evening he had actually begged her not to go and when that hadn’t worked, had stood at their bedroom window, gazing reproachfully at her as she left the house. As she had walked down the street she had felt his eyes watching her, willing her to return to him.

He looked so peaceful now, yet she had found to her horror that he had a temper. Any little thing could set him off and it seemed to be getting worse by the day. Last night he had actually thrown his dinner on the floor because he hadn’t liked what she had cooked. Several times he had actually hit her. Thank God that she had decided to make the break before things had gone too far.

Violet sighed and eased herself out of bed, trying hard not to disturb him. If she was lucky this morning she would be able to dress and have her own breakfast in peace without his constant demands and interruptions, She would need all her energy to cope with his reaction to her news. She knew he would not like it one little bit.

As she climbed into the new suit she had bought especially for this occasion she was surprised to feel excitement bubbling within her. Gazing at her reflection in her bedroom mirror, her heart leapt to her mouth as she realised that Ben was not only awake but sitting up and gazing at her intently, a questioning frown on his face.

There was nothing for it. It was now or never. She should have told him sooner, really, but she couldn't face the tears, the recriminations. Keep calm, keep calm, she thought. Taking a deep breath she began.

“Ben, do you remember that nice place we visited last week? With the tricycles and all the other little boys and girls? Well, today, you’re going to go there again but this time……without mummy. Will you be a brave boy today and be good for mummy?… Will you?

As the tears and screams began Violet knew the answer to her question.

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Comments by other Members

Luisa at 22:24 on 21 January 2006  Report this post
Hello! Welcome to the site! I thought this was a lovely story and very well written. You have some great turns of phrase - I loved the descriptions of the first meeting and the increasing sense of resentment and guilt. It stuck a chord with me, as I have young kids. ;)

I would say it was perfect for a women's magazine, except that the twist could well be one that they've seen before. It would probably be turned down for that reason. Apart from that, I think it's excellently in keeping with the style of women's magazines, and it's well-paced, too.

I definitely think you should keep writing. Good luck!


Katerina at 10:08 on 22 January 2006  Report this post

I was pleasantly surprised by this story, and I can usually predict 'Twist in the Tale' stories, but have to admit, I didn't see this one coming, because I was so engrossed with what Bens reaction would be when Violet told him she was going to leave him.

This is perfect for women's magazines, so I would tidy it up a bit and submit it.

You have a lovely way with words, your description of things is excellent, only one critisism, you tend to be a bit repetitive which can be wearing for the reader.

Here for example -
She knew that the feeling was mutual. Although he had never said it aloud, he could not live without her and they both knew it.

The feeling was mutual, and they both knew it, is the same thing - you don't need to reinforce this to the reader if you have told them once already.

You seem to have a good command of grammar and punctuation too.

Have another read of it, tighten it up a bit and send it off.

Good luck. BTW, you should join our Romance group, we have a nice little group, are all really friendly and have a laugh too. Look forward to seeing you in there maybe?



he had wanted to spend all of his waking hours with her, so much so that he seemed to resent having to share her with her friends who had gradually stopped visiting

He had made it clear that he didn’t like her going out without him.

I would lose the above sentence, because again, it says it all in the sentence about him wanting to spend all his waking hours with her.


Oops, dont know what happened there, the comments at the bottom, should have been under 'Here for example',

but you get what I'm trying to say hopefully!

old friend at 10:26 on 22 January 2006  Report this post

Take note of the above comments, select the Magazine you wish to submit to, find out their submission procedure and send it off.

I don't think it wil be accepted but this will be experience for you. I think it is good but the competition is very great.

You can write and write well so plough away - you will only improve as more and more ink flows from your pen. Well done.


nuala at 11:26 on 23 January 2006  Report this post
Thanks for all your comments - I am still trying to work out how to post up my responses to your comments unser my work so if you get this a few times bear with me!

nuala at 11:40 on 07 February 2006  Report this post

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