Theatre (confessional exercise)
Posted: 23 January 2006
Word Count: 154
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I come home to this
my private theatre
where a space on the desk
- papers and scratched CDs pushed aside -
will do
for my tools;
The blade
a wad of tissue for gauze
a tube of savlon and a lighter take the place
of the autoclave.
The first cut is shallow
then deeper
and a layer of pain to cut through
Deeper than that is just ache
and fat cells.
The tissue in my other hand dabs the blood
as surely and as absentmindedly as a surgeon
whose concentration is taken up
looking for the tumour.
Outside the world goes on
People shout and hug
have birthdays
get confused
and push trolleys while
worrying their husband is
having an affair.
But behind the theatre door
time has let up briefly
If only till the dressings are in place
and the door is swung wide again
to the noise of the real world.
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Comments by other Members
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 Elsie at 20:10 on 23 January 2006
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Xenny, this is very strong. The bit about the outside going on - the hugs - the birthdays - seems to suggest a yearning for being part of a normal life, which the speaker can't be. I presume it's about self harm. Would someone (does someone) who does that worry about disinfecting the knife with a flame, applying savlon? (I don't know enough about the reasons behind that one.) A very convincing read.
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 Shika at 21:12 on 23 January 2006
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Hi, I loved this. It took me straight into the MC's psyche. I loved the in and out aspect of the theatre. I loved the fact that you used the word theatre because self-harm is in some way, a rather grandiose gesture. But then the play acting...that's where the self-harmer does best because the rest of the world does not know. I think I would believe that a self-harmer would be careful and use gauze and savlon. I think that perhaps what is missing is the element of excitement or anticipation of the release of tension, the pain and the 'reward' afterwards that 'yes, I can still feel pain. I am still alive'. But that is a minor point in my view. I think the fact that you mention that time stands still captures the element of it being a small private capsule of time that is safe from the outside world, while the surgery takes place. I am so impressed with this poem. It is so real...I am positively evangelical about it! S
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Xenny at 22:02 on 23 January 2006
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Thankyou so much both of you! Shika - your last comment was so sweet it made me smile lots.
When I started writing it there were things I wanted say that didn't end up comming out. Shika - you mentioned 'anticipation of the release of tension', or a releif at being able to feel . I ended up being happy to leave out the motivation for doing it, if I'm honest probably partly because I feared producing something I might have written when I was 15 ;). But also the way the poem was going just didn't seem to take it there. And these are such textbook explanations for self harm (Shika I'm not saying you personally are speaking from a textbook!). So I think also I was a bit reluctant to start describing the emotions/motivations because I didn't want to get trapped into not-quite-thruths by having to neatly explain things. (I don't feel I'm explaining myself very well at all today - I worry I could read back over my comments I've been posting and realise I've been talking gobbledygook).
Likewise, when I started to describe the 'outside world' I wanted to describe something more chaotic. But I seemed to be writing in a bit of a sleepy, slightly detatched state and 'chaos' just wouldn't come out. So Elsie, like you said, it does seem to read as more of a yearning. That doesn't seem inappropriate either though so I don't think I'll try and change that bit.
I'd perhaps like to work a bit more on the poem, especially after having had encouraging feedback. Thanks again!
Xenny
<Added>
Shika - I read your comment about having worked in mental health and am now extra worried my 'textbook' comment might have offended you! I just think there's a pressure (not just re self injury) to give things tidy explanations, neaten up the edges. And so I find myself holding back from explanation/analysis in general, rather than risk feeling the pressure and getting tangled (again I mean in general). However I think poetry is a great chance to throw words around and create an impression without having to reach conclusions. So I should encourage myself to throw caution to the wind more often. Thankyou again Shika :)
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 Nell at 22:17 on 23 January 2006
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Hi Xenny, I truly believed in this, didn't doubt it for a moment. The ambiguity of the word 'theatre' is apt and clever. The mindset of the speaker, her conviction, her belief, her - I want to say confidence - she's empowered and it comes across as totally convincing.
...as surely and as absentmindedly as a surgeon / whose concentration is taken up / looking for the tumour... seems to say so much more than the words, enables us almost to feel the blade and the way it's cutting, the intention behind the act, as if the speaker is a dispassionate technician in some way separate from her body.
...Outside the world goes on... the real world, as opposed to the 'theatrical' - marvellous.
...time has let up briefly / If only till the dressings are in place... is so moving; it seems too as as if the dressings are some sort of protection against the world. Beginning and ending with the theatre is perfect.
A strong piece of work, a brilliant response,
Nell.
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 joanie at 22:57 on 23 January 2006
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Hi Xenny. When I saw the title I immediately pictured a stage! ... but then, this is actually theatrical in that sense too! I like the calmness; it is very believable. a layer of pain to cut through
Deeper than that is just ache
and fat cells. |
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is very powerful and suggests that the writer knows exactly what is happening.
I like the references to the outside world - very well-observed.
An excellent response, Xenny. Quietly very strong.
joanie
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gard at 23:55 on 23 January 2006
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Hi Xenny
all of the above. I too felt this to be a real event. I liked the contrasts between the theatre and the outside world and being behind the door and the returning back into the noisy real world.
There is also a good flow and rhythm in this piece.
Well done great
G
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paul53 [for I am he] at 08:18 on 24 January 2006
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Xenny,
This exercise has certainly brought up many dark pieces. I would talk about the turning over of stones, but today is not a good day for it with the "false spy stone" in the news.
I was responding to someone about self-harming earlier today, how the cuts were to release the darkness within, let the evil out - that darkness and evil either [depending on the individual] left there by abusers, or already there and the probable reason the individual was chosen as a victim over others. Catching a first glimpse of those scar over scar lacerations is always a defining moment. There are other reasons and other descriptions, of course, and maybe nothing can adequately describe the self-loathing and worthlessness of those abused and discarded.
The most telling part?An endless quest, for the tumour - if anywhere - lives in the abuser, not the victim.
Victims become abusers themselves? Bollocks. Most I know make darned sure history doesn't repeat itself on the innocent.
The truth is worse. Abusers remain among us as smiling faces on successful psychopaths, while the victims are ostracised.
Paul
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DJC at 10:10 on 24 January 2006
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A very brave poem, Xenny, one which deals with a tough issue. I tried recently to write about anorexia, so know how hard it is not to sound either preachy or teenage. I think the control you have over language is impressive, and some of the images, such as 'Deeper than that is just ache / and fat cells' really conjures up how it feels to be a self-harmer.
For me, though (and this is something others said about my poem, which did help), there isn't enough about the motivation behind why this person does what they do. Paul suggested something above about the inner demon, but it is more than this (I only know through having had a girlfriend who was a terrible self-harmer) - it is also about being in control of your body. A lot of self-harmers are also anorexic - there was a programme on TV the other week about a girl who was both - she said she needed to feel this control. Letting blood also has religious/symbolic significance, which could be worked in as well.
Overall this is a very good start, but one I think needs more work. The section with what is going on outside is a bit too simplified, and could be summed up more powerfully in a few words. Also you mention the plural of 'People shout and hug', then talk of the singular 'worrying their husband is / having an affair.' which jars a bit.
Hope this is of some help. A terribly brave subject with some powerful images.
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Xenny at 20:32 on 24 January 2006
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Darren, Paul, Gard, Nell and Joanie
Thankyou for your thoughtful comments all of you.
Darren, re
> it is also about being in control of your body. A lot of self-harmers are also anorexic - there > was a programme on TV the other week about a girl who was both - she said she needed to feel this control. Letting blood also has religious/symbolic significance, which could be worked in as well.
I was trying to capture a feeling, not write a book on self harm! I'm joking, sorry. You're right, it could perhaps have benefited from going into the motivation (but I was hoping a bit of the control element came accross. I'm not sure though).
It was actually a personal poem, and so harder to 'direct' if this makes sense. I mentioned in reply to Shika other reasons why I didn't go into the motivation more.
I really do agree that it needs more work. And I hadn't noticed the plural/singular switch.
I must confess I wrote this before the exercise began. It was the only thing I'd written in quite a while and the exercise just gave me license to post it - I'd probably have left it otherwise. I felt a bit guilty not doing the exercise 'properly' but when I saw the topic I thought, 'oh mine fits perfectly'. It's been a really interesting exercise though, reading other people's and thinking about them. It's made me think a lot. Thanks everyone for sharing your poems and comments.
Xenny
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DJC at 09:03 on 26 January 2006
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You're right - I am overly intellectualising things, as ever. The images you have are excellent as they stand - it just needs a bit of honing. Nell's idea, to leave it alone for a while then come back to it, is always a good one. Helps you distance yourself from the work, something which is very hard to do if this is confessional.
Better to let words out of your head than blood out of your wrists - that's what I think.
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Xenny at 13:56 on 26 January 2006
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Thankyou Darren, that's kind. Honing, yes. I'm building up a little stack of poems to 'come back to'. But when you do come back to poems in that way it often has good results.
>Better to let words out of your head than blood out of your wrists - that's what I think
very true :)
Thanks again
x
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DJC at 14:53 on 26 January 2006
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Can I just say that you have the best writer's name I think I've ever come across. Adeline Darling. That's just fantastic. You're sorted even before you start!
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Xenny at 17:14 on 27 January 2006
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Thankyou - that's most encouraging, but puts an end to my daydreaming about what pseudonym I might choose 'when I'm published' !
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DJC at 14:42 on 30 January 2006
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No, don't change it! In fact, can I borrow it if I get published first? I know you won't mind...
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