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Burials

by DJC 

Posted: 31 January 2006
Word Count: 135
Summary: My cat-machine poem. I did enjoy doing this.
Related Works: pro-ana • 

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Thereís reason in your function
of curves and heat,
in your slim technology of danger,
of parts moved by a precision
of grey eyes twitching in
thin light,
wedded to these simple
geometries of purpose.

You cooled in the outhouse.
Long as a board, blood
and something I had not yet learned
dried at your exit points.

It was me who did the burial.
Dug a too-small hole,
folded you in.


Cogs touch, time falls.
You curl towards mornings
heavy on threadbare chairs,
of summer dreams thick with
your fill of the night, of
your part in it all.

The car didnít stop till
you were under, then through.
You made it to the shed
and rested. We called for you.


Clocks drop a future onto now.
Roses push their roots through you.
We grow.






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Comments by other Members



joanie at 10:48 on 31 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Darren. This is an response. I love the seamless blend of cat and machine in the first stanza. Even with 'You cooled in the outhouse' the reader didn't know what was to come. This is so real; the detail of
Dug a too-small hole,
folded you in.
and
The car didnít stop till
you were under, then through.
You made it to the shed
then rested. We called for you.

just have to be a memory of a loved cat and will surely strike a chord with many.

Very impressive.

joanie


<Added>

Sorry! I meant to say 'an excellent response'.

paul53 [for I am he] at 11:46 on 31 January 2006  Report this post
Excellent is the word I too think sums this up. Such poignancy here - and such truth in that they drag themselves away somewhere to die, as if it is an embarrassment or a bother.
Only one consideration. Do you think the strength of "cooled in the outhouse" might be unnecessarily lessened by the previous stanza's "cool eyes"?
Paul

Elsie at 15:06 on 31 January 2006  Report this post
DJC, I agree, so poignant - and so poetic - (I mean that in the best possible way). Really lovely.

DJC at 15:16 on 31 January 2006  Report this post
Thanks, all - I really struggled with this, so your kind words mean a lot. The cooling thing - I'll check this out as I hadn't really noticed!

Nell at 15:28 on 31 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Paul, this is so good. As Joanie said, It feels real, so true I feel sure it must be. Some gorgeous lines here: I loved ...your slim technology of danger... ...cool eyes twitching in / thin light... ...You curl towards mornings
heavy on threadbare chairs... ...your fill of the night.


Very clever to have the italicised stanzas in poetic contrast to the others, as if real life is so much harder than poems, dreams and visions.

A perfect ending - and I'm really glad you enjoyed this - a brilliant response.

Nell.



<Added>

Sorry Darren, I knew it was your poem, honestly.

DJC at 18:28 on 31 January 2006  Report this post
Thanks, Joanie, I mean Xenny, sorry, I mean Nell...

Hee hee, only kidding! Glad you liked it. I'm probably happier about this poem than about any others I've done so far. You may have posted something pointing me in the direction of other, similar, lateral thinking type stimuli, as this is great for my poor brain. But I'm not sure where I asked you, or even whether I'd just dreamt it. Oh dear.

Darren

Xenny at 18:53 on 31 January 2006  Report this post
I think it's excellent. I didn't appreciate it fully until after a few readings (actually I think it was on the second one) as there's a lot in it. The images are really good. This paragraph..

Cogs touch, time falls.
You curl towards mornings
heavy on threadbare chairs,
of summer dreams thick with
your fill of the night, of
your part in it all.

..is very moving, coming where it does. It really had the feel of those good/sad memories about someone/something gone, which are always more upsetting than remembering the going itself.

If I had to say any doubts at all it would be that maybe the first stanza has too many images to get into it easily on first reading. It did take me two, and if I didn't know the theme of the exercise I'd perhaps have struggled a little more. But I don't think other people found this, and I certainly didn't have a problem with it when I'd become familiar with it.

I can so see why you're happy with this poem.

Xenny

DJC at 19:15 on 31 January 2006  Report this post
Xenny - thanks! You're right about stanza 1 - it was on its own initially, as a loose collection of images from the exercise. Then memory took over and it became more personal. The only problem with it for me is that the style varies from the first to second stanzas. I struggled with this, but then decided it worked okay, so let it alone!

Darren

ps - honestly, Adeline - it's not a paragraph, it's a stanza. Did they teach you nothing at school?

pps sorry, I'm an English teacher...

joolsk at 21:36 on 31 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Paul,

This is exquisite - I loved the very lyrical quality of your descriptions.

Just one word didn't work for me

"You curl towards mornings
heavy on threadbare chairs,"

When I read this out loud 'mornings' sound better singular than plural to me.

Jools




DJC at 13:30 on 01 February 2006  Report this post
Honestly, what's going on! This is my poem! Mine! Not Paul's! He has his own poems! Why does everyone keep thinking I'm you, Paul? Must be our devilish good looks...



Mac AM at 20:12 on 01 February 2006  Report this post
Calm down Paul!

Actually it might be a strophe.

But don't tell that weird Darren bloke!

Mac

paul53 [for I am he] at 06:45 on 02 February 2006  Report this post
I go away for just one day, and look what happens ...

<Added>

does this mean I get to go to Switzerland?

DJC at 11:21 on 02 February 2006  Report this post
If you like. It's nice and sunny at the moment. But you'd have to look after 23 hormonal teenage girls. Not as easy as it sounds. Actually, it doesn't even sound easy, does it.

Darren

DJC at 11:21 on 02 February 2006  Report this post
If you like. It's nice and sunny at the moment. But you'd have to look after 23 hormonal teenage girls. Not as easy as it sounds. Actually, it doesn't even sound easy, does it.

Darren

<Added>

why did that repeat? I really do give up now...

paul53 [for I am he] at 11:35 on 02 February 2006  Report this post
It repeated 'cos Switzerland is so nice you had to say it twice.

Xenny at 12:22 on 02 February 2006  Report this post
Hey Darren (though I'm so confused now, that is your name right? I mean what with your obvious tendency to go around stealing other people's names, I could be forgiven for getting it wrong)

>Xenny - thanks! You're right about stanza 1 - it was on its own initially, as a loose collection >of images from the exercise. Then memory took over and it became more personal.

I can see that being the case, reading it now after what you've said. That happens to me and I often end up scrapping the beginning. I think in this case though it does work. I'm glad you've let it alone anyway.

I *know* it's not a paragraph! I'm still getting used to the word 'stanza' and keep forgetting.

>pps sorry, I'm an English teacher...

Can you help me with indentable then? It's still bothering me. Or maybe I just need a new word if the meaning's iffy.




DJC at 15:25 on 02 February 2006  Report this post
Indentable, hmmm, let me think..... I'll reply on your poem thread.

<Added>

and yes, it is my name. This week, anyway. I may become someone different tomorrow. Do you not think this sometimes - we all have different user names, but there may only be a few people out there, all with multiple names? Paul could be Emma and Cholero and Nell... Or all of them could be me, in my head, like the Matrix or Descartes mad genuis. Or I could just be bonkers.

Xenny at 17:04 on 02 February 2006  Report this post
No. No Darren, I never think that ;)

DJC at 19:38 on 02 February 2006  Report this post
What, that you have voices in your head, or that I am bonkers?

Xenny at 22:03 on 02 February 2006  Report this post
Umm... I actually meant the voices, but I was lying. And no I don't think you're bonkers!

DJC at 11:04 on 04 February 2006  Report this post
Actually, I am. So be nice to me or I might start writing about 9/11 and give my poems really obscure titles...

<Added>

...and ignore completely the stimuli set by our resident experts...;)

Xenny at 14:08 on 04 February 2006  Report this post

!

Darren!

DJC at 15:06 on 04 February 2006  Report this post
I think you know who, in the group, I might be referring to. Funnily enough it isn't you...

paul53 [for I am he] at 09:20 on 05 February 2006  Report this post
damn, I'm missing all the fun...

DJC at 09:41 on 05 February 2006  Report this post
Don't worry, Paul - we're not talking about you behind your back.

paul53 [for I am he] at 13:24 on 05 February 2006  Report this post
well, you're missing a golden opportunity...


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