Login   Sign Up 



by Lordy 

Posted: 02 March 2006
Word Count: 436
Summary: This is the first chapter in what I hope will be an ongoing story.

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced



A thin sheen of sweat covered the body stood in front of the full length mirror.
Danny 'Spider' Webb went through his paces, not with his usual ferocity, but more gently this time, just to keep himself ticking over until his big moment came.
He didn't see or hear the short, stocky figure approach from behind, and only knew of his close proximity when he felt a large, calloused hand on his muscular back. He stopped his shadow boxing and turned around to face the man stood behind him.
"Time to go Danny, this is it," the man said, holding a black robe up. Spider turned back round to face the mirror, holding his arms up as he did so, so that his trainer could slip his robe on.
Once it was on, he stood looking at himself for a moment in the mirror, while the adrenalin began to course through his body. Short, dark hair, protruding cheekbones with a tattoo of a teardrop on his right one, a relic of his past, a part of the past he would rather forget. He had tow other tattoo's, one on each side of his neck. A spider on the right side, a web on the left.
At that momentthe door to the small changing room opened and Spider turned to see who it was.
A small, meticulously dressed man with greased back hair stood in the doorway. "You ready Danny?" he asked.
Spider nodded his head. The newcomer then raised his fist in the air and shouted, "Well let's go get 'em then."
"Yeah, let's do it," shouted Archie Probert, Spider's trainer, in what sounded like a battle cry. Spider bounced up and down on the balls of his feet a couple of times before making for the door. Just outside the door was stood a wiry, elderly man. He took a last drag on the cigarette he was smoking, then stubbed it out underfoot as Spider and Archie came out of the room.
"This is it Danny," he said into Spider's ear. "This is what you've worked towards your entire life. You ready for it?"
Spider cooly nodded his head, trying to hide the nervousness that he felt.
"Then let's go bust that guy up," the old man snarled.
With that the three men, Spider, Archie, and Sticky the cutsman, prepared to make their way to the ring. Large behemoths in security uniforms formed a circle around them, ready to escort them down the walkway, and little did the three men realise how much they were going to need these guys tonight.

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

Cholero at 21:00 on 02 March 2006  Report this post

This was a good read. I get a good feel of the pent-up energy there in the changing-room, the characters are nicely etched sharp and quick, and you've left me wanting to read more for sure. Great feeling of all these hard-boiled characters orbiting around this guy Spider while he occupies the centre very effectively.

I especially liked the guy outside the door stamping out his cigarette to join the entourage, don't know why.

There are a few things that I stumbled on as I got used to the style and there are things that might re-phrase better. Don't want to get too picky though. This is great stuff.



Flashman at 16:38 on 03 March 2006  Report this post
Wouldn't it cool if Spider turned out not to be a boxer?

Maybe they are about to film a porno? I may be way of base, but I certainly enjoyed the homoerotic subtext...

Lordy at 19:03 on 03 March 2006  Report this post
Hi Pete, thanks for reading the opening chapter and posting your comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope you'll be following along. Feel free to make any pointers/constructive criticism that will help me improve on my writing, which I know is very basic at the moment. Thanks again,

Lordy at 19:07 on 03 March 2006  Report this post
Hi Flashman, thanks for reading my piece. You are way of base as Spider is a boxer and definately not a porn star, but I hope you keep reading along anyway. All the best,

Sam Rix at 09:24 on 09 March 2006  Report this post
Hi Ian,

A good piece, plenty of energy in the room with ‘Spider’, the hint of a darker past is nice. You already have me thinking off the wall for impacts to Spider’s career from an external source to the boxing world, before the reference to needing security later.

A couple constructive points:

If Spider is getting keyed up for his bout, wouldn’t his senses be sharper, by that I mean, wouldn’t he ‘feel’ his trainer approaching?
I say this from experience, you might not necessarily see the person, but you normally do sense a presence closing. (Just a thought…)

Typo; ‘He had tow other tattoo's’, it should read ‘two’

Thanks for the read, Ill keep an eye out for more on this.

Love and luck

old friend at 10:27 on 09 March 2006  Report this post

A nice piece that captured the inner thoughts just before his main fight.

I would suggest that you read through a couple of times... typos have been pointed out, but try to avoid such juxtapositions of words like 'so'...
'...did so, so that the Trainer...'

I see that Pete has mentioned this 'fine-tuning' point so I'll go along with him.

What I also liked were the references to past happenings in his life and the appearance of a well-dressed man he did not know. This suggest that a longer story is there.


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .


Other work by Lordy:      ...view all work by Lordy