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The greatest love of all?

by dsg 

Posted: 21 April 2006
Word Count: 548
Summary: The start of a short story all about the joys of being married with children please let me know your thoughts Im very new to all this!!!


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The greatest job of all?

Oh my god Im going to smash this casserole dish over his head if I dont get out of here soon. My god this is what my dream has come to, I think as I grip the side of the worksurface so hard my fingers feel like their going to drop off.

My stupid husbands words replay themselves over and over in my head: Maybe if you had a job Jane, youd understand how tiring it is.

What a stupid, stupid man. I stare at him now wondering what on earth possessed me to marry him, in fact why did I even bother with him at all. Yes Im being irrational, yes Im being neurotic, but I think youll probably agree, Ive been pushed to the edge. Im hanging on by one hand and I can feel my fingers lose their grip one by one.

My mothers words ring in my ears You have to work at a marriage, you have to work at being a parent, you have to work to give yourself a good life.

Why does everything have to be so much bloody work. When I was younger I imagined myself with two beautiful children like Jane and Michael Banks from Mary Poppins and a husband not so much like Mr Banks and more like Mr George Clooney. Wed go away for weekends, Id organise a picnic for the way. Wed sing along to the carpenters and play eye spy all the way George would smile and me and squeeze my knee, so thankful that wed created two beautiful children and that our lives are complete.

Let me get you up to date on what has actually happened. I was a spring bride, I married Mark (not George unfortunately) and after a few happy years I was expecting our first child Emma. Not one to take things in half measures I jumped right in and handed in my notice to be a full time mum. I thought about how rewarding it would be, choosing little outfits for her to wear, showing her off at coffee mornings, teaching her how to say please and thank you. We would be insepreable me and Emma. Shes cry if I ever left (which of course I never would), shed say that when she was older shed wanted to be just like her mum. Of course in my new job as stay at home mum, I was going to become a fantastic cook, my husbands tea would always be on the table. My house would be spotless, oh and early mornings would be no problem to me. Now I have to admit this would going to be a big change for me I was a stay out late partying, ready meals and quick polish once a week kind of girl, but I just knew Id change naturally once I was a mother.

BC (before children) I worked as a PR girl for an events company. It was a job that seemed quite glamourous but was a lot of hard work. I did however get to visit lots of nice place (Milan is really nice this time of year you know) which was great then, but not really once you have a family.






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Comments by other Members



Corona at 18:03 on 25 April 2006  Report this post
Hi Dawn,
and well done taking the 'plunge' in getting this viewed by fellow writers!
As this is only part of your whole story, my comments cover as far as it stands...

The opening lines conjures up a vision in my mind of the scene where a frazzled Jack Nicholson in 'As Good as it Gets' walks in to his therapist's office, demanding instant help to a current problem with a woman he likes...
Your opening works in my mind very well to hook the reader in that manner!

The continuation written in the first person, like a letter to a good friend, also works to spark an interest as you feel you are privvy to a personal conversation and thus, feel compelled to hear it out - you know what I mean?

As for where this is going, I can only guess, but I look forward to reading it as a whole! Will give you a new critique then OK?

Some typo's and suggestions;
carpenters
Carpenters...
George would smile and me and squeeze
at?
wed created two beautiful children and that our lives are complete.
were complete?
We would be insepreable me and Emma
inseparable
this would going to be a big change for me
was going?

Look forward to the rest...
-E



Becca at 19:46 on 28 April 2006  Report this post
Hi Dawn,
ditto, as Erik said, it would be good to see the whole story because with only this much the question which strikes the reader is where is the story going? We know she is still in the marriage and still feeding the husband, so she hasn't resolved anything yet, so I hope for a big and unusual surprise! You could put this story up on the short story site rather than in the archive and you might get more readers.
To add two more typos: 'their'--> they're, [contraction of 'they' and 'are'].
'husbands' --> husband's.

As a general, and very good rule, and this is something you get used to, .. if you make a rule not to use the same word in quick sucession it makes a story better. [There is 'god'x2 and 'stupid' x3 near the top of the story].
Becca.

Jenniren at 09:13 on 06 June 2006  Report this post
Well i thought it was a great start...i want to know why she wants to belt her husband with a casserole dish and would certainly find it no hardship to read on.
It seems like you have fun when you're writing it, personally i think thats half the battle.

craig.horne at 12:09 on 16 September 2008  Report this post
Hi Dawn, a good read so far and, being a house husband by day, something I look forward to seeing finished. I'm sure I'll be able to relate to a lot of the stuff!

One thing that jarred a little was:
My stupid husbands words replay themselves over and over in my head: Maybe if you had a job Jane, youd understand how tiring it is.


I felt like I wanted you to expand on this, perhaps even make it the statement from which the story takes its theme.
Is this the classic case of the working male who thinks he's the only doing the real work, without any concept of how truly hard it is to run a home?
Or, is this him trying to make excuses for why he comes home, puts his feet up and does nothing?




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