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Under an umbrella
Posted: 25 April 2006
Word Count: 92
Summary: This set out as the 'Contradictions' exercise in Poetry Seminar, but I think it lost its way!
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The prospect of rain,
the sort of rain
which bounces rain on rain
across the pavement, rain-
soaked and glistening, made
me tremble with anticipation, made
perfect with an umbrella. Made
safe in its confines, made
me daddy's chicken. Arm-in-arm
we sang and marched, a swinging arm
the testament to our love. Arm
me once again with that aegis. No arm
can hold me now as he did.
No man can hope to do what he did
for me. Too late I understand the rain
which softly falls. We loved the rain.
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Comments by other Members
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 DJC at 20:42 on 25 April 2006
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Joanie - funny how a poem can start off in one direction then move off into something different. No, I don't think this has lost its way, but it may need a few phrases trimmed here and there.
A few small suggestions:
how about starting with a short sentence -
The prospect of rain. The sort of rain
which bounces rain on rain
across the pavement, rain-
Also, I had an opening image, then you came in in the past tense and it disrupted this image (please don't take offence at this!!) Here:
soaked and glistening, made
me tremble with anticipation, made
perfect with an umbrella.
How about getting rid of the first made, as the other two work really well:
The prospect of rain,
the sort of rain
which bounces rain on rain
across the pavement, rain-
soaked and glistening, made
perfect with an umbrella, made
safe in its confines,
Arm-in-arm
we sang and marched, a swinging arm
the testament to our love. Arm
me once again with that aegis. No arm
can hold me now as he did.
I love this bit - the way you take the word arm and draw out different meanings - really works. And, as ever, you leave us with an evocative image, which resonates after the poem ends. So, for me, only a little trimming will make this a powerful poem indeed.
D.
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 joanie at 20:48 on 25 April 2006
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Thanks for taking the time, Darren! I'm looking at your suggestions, which I appreciate very much! I think that my problem is that once I get hooked on a particular 'form' I can't let go!
Thanks for your encouragement.
joanie
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paul53 [for I am he] at 05:56 on 26 April 2006
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I previously had a lot of bother with this type of form; the repetition seeming more an annoyance rather than a vehicle or stepping-stone.
In this, you have managed to show me what can be done with this, that the repeating words can be successfully used almost as a mantra to deepen the impressions and add lustre to the visuals.
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 Nell at 07:17 on 26 April 2006
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Hi Joan,
The repetitions feel like rain falling - this is is beautiful - one is with them under that umbrella. I love the surprise of ...made / me Daddy's chicken... the way it echoes with the earlier anticipation, the later ...as he did... and yet without it, as suggested, it becomes quite a different poem; not a childhood memory about a beloved father but more suggestive of a grown-up love. Both special though - a lovely response.
Nell.
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joanie at 22:48 on 26 April 2006
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Paul, Nell, many thanks!
Paul, thank you for your kind words. I'm a bit of a sucker for repetition!
Nell, thank you for your thoughts. I think I want to keep the two different slants here. I'll keep returning to see how I feel about making changes.
Joan
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Xenny at 11:39 on 29 April 2006
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Hey joanie
I like repetition a lot too! I like the way it gives significance. Or sometimes it's just that you find a word you like and want to use it lots (I do anyway!).
I do think it works. It doesn't seem to me like it's lost its way at all, although maybe you've changed it since then.
For some reason I particularly like:
[quote]...Arm-in-arm
we sang and marched, a swinging arm[quote]
<Added>
forgetting to close my tags. tut tut ;) sorry!
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joanie at 17:49 on 29 April 2006
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Hi Xenny. Good to see you. Thanks for your kind comments.
joanie
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