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Posted: 12 May 2006
Word Count: 48
Summary: The end of a LONG week!
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Version 2
Work
draws us close,
determines our targets,
governs our leisure.
Life
ignores us
if we never recognise
that there is more.
V1
Work
draws us close,
determines our targets,
governs our leisure.
Life
passes us by
if we fail to realise
there is more than this.
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Comments by other Members
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 Tina at 06:56 on 13 May 2006
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Hi Joanie
Having had a very 'driven' week myself I can identify with this.
'what is life if full of care' et al
whatif you used stronger words in the second line sof each verse - eg -
life pulls/ grips/ clasps us close
thus emphasising the struggle with have with work/ life balance
thanks enjoyed this
Tina
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 joanie at 06:58 on 13 May 2006
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Thanks for the suggestions Tina! Glad you enjoyed it. Enjoy your weekend!
joanie
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NinaLara at 12:56 on 13 May 2006
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Great idea. I think this is a Haiku waiting for a prune!
Something about work shooting us at targets ... while life glances and walks by?
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joanie at 14:35 on 13 May 2006
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Mmmm... Thanks Nina; more pruning needed I think. I might just try a haiku.
joanie
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tinyclanger at 10:23 on 14 May 2006
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I prefer version II, Joanie. Think I'd get rid of the 'that' in the final line.
A haiku sounds like a good idea if you can distill it that much - look forward to it!!
x
tc
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joanie at 12:31 on 14 May 2006
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Thanks for reading, tc. Good to see you! I'll have another think about this; a haiku might be too much (or too little!). Thanks.
joanie
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 James Graham at 21:25 on 16 May 2006
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This reminds me of something -
...time, a gift, but
lack of it the curse of
versifiers, who
(let's face it - who can write
and do a full-time job?)
secrete themselves
away until retirement. |
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- and it's another reminder of how well you work with abstract thoughts in some of your poems. This one seems to condense the theme of '...however since retirement...'
I agree Version 2 is better. If we don't recognise - or acknowledge - life, it will seem to ignore us. 'Ignore' is stronger than 'pass by' but not so far removed in its meaning.
(Listen, folks, especially if you're new to WW. Look up Joanie's poems in the archive. Don't miss 'Apple Tree Today' or the whole of '...however since retirement...' Then browse. It'll be time well spent.)
James.
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Shika at 17:15 on 20 May 2006
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Hi Joanie
Just browsing and came across this - story of my life at the moment. Strange paradox isnt it? If we don't work, we don't eat if all we do is work, we can't live. As always, very insightful. S
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joanie at 17:27 on 20 May 2006
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Stephen and Shika, thanks! I am in turmoil at the moment on the work front! I need something momentous to happen to make me 'do it'! Resign/retire, that is!
I keep thinking of the story of the man enjoying himself fishing. Someone came along and told him that he ought to go out and work hard to earn lots of money, so that he could know the pleasures of life. "What, like fishing....?"
Aaargh!!
joanie
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