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CONTROL.COM (short story by Robleh Tinning)

by Peter D 

Posted: 27 August 2003
Word Count:
Summary: Want a break from your dull existence? Simply type in the address of the internet blog of your choice, and take possession, exclusively with control.com. (WINNER OF THE TIMES/ NATIONAL ACADEMY OF WRITING ‘BEST SCRIPT’ AWARD)

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Comments by other Members

stephanieE at 11:03 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
Neat, very neat, great ending. How close are you to getting this made into a short?

Peter D at 11:22 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
Thanks for reading this work - really glad you like it.

I haven't really touted it around much: through the Academy I'm meeting the BBC (Jessica D - head of new writing) and a few other companies at the end of the month - so it's more a calling card. I just wanted to make sure it's totally watertight... I'm sure I can get it made though - I've got two shorts in production at the moment - and raising the 10-30,000 shouldn't be too difficult.

Anyway, thanks again for reading the script.

Best wishes


stephanieE at 12:11 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
I guess the only thing that had me thinking 'Eh?' was Alastair - is Ronnie in Alastair's body? (The mirror scene suggests so) but if so, what happens to Alastair himself? In a short I'm thinking it doesn't matter much, but it had me wondering about role reversal.

Always interesting to see how a computer / user interaction works out. Hope you manage to translate this into screen time as wittily as it reads on paper. Good luck

Peter D at 12:41 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
Yeah, that's a very good point - what happens to Alastair? Int he short story they swap bodies, but Alistair is in a coma in Ronnie's body.... not very visual or interesting, so you're spot on that that could be a problem if the piece is explanded to a feature.

Thanks again for reading the script and for your notes - very good stuff.


Anna Reynolds at 13:48 on 21 September 2003  Report this post
Pete, just spotted this- it's fantastically funny, sweet and a neat ending. I had concerns as others have noted about how you show it's Ronnie in Ali's body, but I can imagine a thoughtful director having fun with that. It taps right into the possibilities of the Web and of the huge desire people have always had to change their existence for that of someone else; one thought I did have, about Ali's perfect life, and I guess Ronnie's mundane life too, was that there might be slightly more imaginative ways of describing this other than fast cars, fast girls, flashy office etc; maybe it's just that this excited me less than how you've used your imagination elsewhere. Ronnie is loveable, and it moves at a great pace. What was the deal with the Sunday Times/NAW award- do they send you off to see people?

Also, I read your comment on the group forum- it'd be nice if this group was as lively as the fiction/poetry ones, but I think it's inevitable that despite the focus in Jobs/Opps being much more on Film/TV/stage, and my own personal bias as a stage/screenwriter, it isn't as easy or quick to read and respond to screenwriting online. It's difficult enough for most people to read scripts full stop, particularly if they're fairly new to the medium. So that's probably the answer. Putting short fiction or poetry in the groups is like having a little snack, whereas a whole film/stage script can be overwhelming. Best of luck with getting this made, though, it's great fun.

Peter D at 14:02 on 21 September 2003  Report this post
Thanks for the review - greatly appreciated. I think you're spot on - I need to underline the Ronnie in Ali's body for clarity (as in, add an image)

'What was the deal with the Sunday Times/NAW award- do they send you off to see people?'

There's an 'industry day' next friday with the likes of the BBC and some prod co's (I don't know the list, but Working Title and others were invited): I'm not really sure what happens on the day - and I might just end up using shooting people to get this script made (I've also got half a dozen short shorts in production - so might just cherry pick the best director/ dop/ crew). The academy is obviously in its early days - but it does have quite impressive people involved in it (I was taught by Celia Brayfield (novelist) and Paul Ashton (script reader, editor, writer etc), masterclasses by Nicholas Roeg, Timothy West etc).

I think you're right about the film reading side, although Zoetrope always seems quite busy - I guess it's more established, and there's the vague hope that FFC will pick something up (4 scripts have been optioned on site in, er, 4 years?). Reading scripts is a very difficult skill - I think you're spot on with that. And I'm sure this site will grow and flourish - it is really needed to have a UK based site of this kind.

Thanks again for reading my script and your notes - greatly appreciated.

Happy writing


chinamummy at 19:34 on 22 September 2003  Report this post
Loved it Peter! Please don't disappear from the site - I too am based in the Yorkshire region and am hoping that some of your experience and talent will work its way up the M1 to Leeds! I can actually see this piece as a full length feature, it had me gripped from the start.I'm not suprised that the BBC are talking to you, they certainly need new writers of your calibre. I'd be interested in talking further about your experience, fancy letting me buy you a coffee and pick your brains one day?

Account Closed at 19:32 on 14 October 2005  Report this post
Just found this on the random read and I know for a fact that Peter never joined the site so ceased to be a member in about September 2003. How many others?

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