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Day with us

by Tarocko 

Posted: 27 August 2003
Word Count: 1414
Summary: A DAY WITH US A day with us is about six people and it’s just there day-to-day lives. Six people six shows The first show his call Rick Plant and it’s all about his day And it’s all one day and it always ends in the pub. Each show is about one person so the next show would be called Johnny Longside and that would be his day and its all the same day and every shows links with another.

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(It opens on Rick in bed his alarm clock goes of and his arm comes up and hits the clock but there is also a pint of water beside the clock. He turns the clock off by hitting it but he knocks over the pint of water it spills all over his uniform.)

(He gets up half an hour later and looks at his clock)

Rick = “Shit” (He jumps out of bed and his right foot lands on a plug)

Rick = “AAAAAHHHHH” (He hops around on one foot for a while. Then he starts to look for his uniform He sees it on the floor with a pint of water all over it. He picks it up and looks at it)

Rick = “Shit” (He lets it fall to the ground he opens his cupboard and all of his things are gone)

Rick = “Where’s all my stuff, Johnny)

(He walks out of his room go down the hall and in to Johnny’s room)

Rick = “Johnny’s have you got my stuff”

(He looks up and there’s a woman changed)

Rick = “ Nice one Johnny don’t let me stop you”

(She covers her self up)

Woman = “Get out now”

(Rick looks at her and snaps his boxers)

Rick = “It’s my house”

(She pick’s up a shoe and hurls
It at him it hits him on the head it was a big shoe. He falls back a bit

Rick = “Ok am going” (He close’s the door)

Rick = “God some woman can’t take a joke” (He has a big red mark on his head. He walks back in to his room picks up his uniform and takes it in to the kitchen.
He turns on the oven and putts the uniform in it.)

(It cuts to him looking in front of the mirror he’s wearing his uniform its gone a bit brown and brunt at the edge’s)

Rick = “Looks fine”

(He goes out the front door and gets in to his car it’s a old two door metro.
He gets in and starts the car and pulls out of his drive the cd player gets turned on. He’s listening to the R.E.M and he’s singing along to the words)

Rick = “That’s me in the corner that’s me in the spot” (He’s a very bad singer)

(His mobile starts to ring he try’s to answer it but he drops and the floor)

Rick = “Shit”

(By this time his got to work and pulls in and in to the staff parking.
He stops the car take picks up his mobile locks the door with his arm gets out of the car and as soon as he does the wind blows the car door shut with the keys still in the car)

Rick = “No way ah dam it”

(He takes out his mobile and rings Jaime)

Rick = “Jaime mate”

(Its cuts to Jaime in his house his in the living room)

Jaime = “Rick what do you want”

(Back to Rick)

Rick = “The keys to my car are locked in my car”

(Back to Jaime)

Jaime = “ok way are you asking me”

(Back to Rick)

Rick = “You were a bad boy once mate”

(Back to Jaime)

Jaime = “Yes but I never nicked cars” (He’s listening to Rick talk)

Jaime = “Ok if you had something long and thin ah does your shop sell metal rulers”

(Back to Rick)

Rick = “No its not 1920 we have plastic (He’s listening to Jaime talk)

Rick = “Yes I can get one of those. And just push it down and hook it ok”

Rick = “Ok call you later on bye”

(Back to Jaime)

Jaime = “Ok mate take it easy bye”

(Back to Rick)

(You can see Rick’s boss coming out of the front of the garage and walking toward him. Rick turns round and see him)

Rick = “He Mr Gerson how are you to day”

Gerson = “Don’t Mr me boy way are you one and a half hours late again”

Rick = “Well sir its like this my alarm don’t go off and my uniform got like this some how and things like that happed”

Gerson = “What are you talking about boy, just get in and get to work and if this happens again you’re out of here do I make my self clear”

Rick = “Yes sir”

(Rick follows Mr Gerson in to the shop. He sees a young girl at the checkout he goes over to her)

Rick = “Hi go take your break”

Girl = “Its about time, God look at you what happened to you”

Rick = “Long story”

Girl = “Look at your uniform you’ll have to pay for that for that”

Rick = “You thick”

(Mr Gerson comes in to the back round)

Gerson = “Hay Rick get over here how come get your you uniform”

Rick = “Be right there”

(He walks over to Mr Gerson)

Rick = “Yes boss”

Gerson = “Threes a uniform hanging up in there go get it”

(He points to the bathroom)

Gerson = “And am taking £40 out of your pay”

Rick = “You cant do that”

Gerson = “how much do you what to bet”

(Rick just looks at him and walks in to the side of the door and falls over)

Gerson = “Ha ha ha ha ha ha dumb kid”

(Rick jumps up and looks at him)

Rick = “Didn’t hart”

(He walks in to the bathroom and closes the door. You see Mr Gerson walking of laughing)

(Cuts to Rick in the bathroom there’s a uniform lying on the ground)

Rick = “£40 for that I tell this job”

(As he is talking to himself he picks up the uniform and looks in the pockets and he finds £20 in one off them)

Rick = “Nice its my lucky day”

(He puts on the uniform and walks back in to the shop he’s walking over to the checkout as a old woman asks him a question)

Old woman = “Young man were can a find the milk”

(He’s out listening to her at all and just gives her a 24 pack of crisps and it nearly makes her fall over)

Rick = “there you go”

(She just pulls the fingers at him)

Old woman = “Dick”

(He looks at her; he’s shocked at her)

Rick = “Some people”

(He walks over to the fridge and takes a can of coke then walks over to the girl at the checkout. There are a lot of people at there)

Rick = “Ok you can go now”

Girl = “You said that five minutes ago”

Rick = “Yes I know I was talking to the devil”

(The girl is still severing people as they talk. Rick sits down beside her)

Girl = “He’s out that bad. He’s a very nice man”

Rick = “Yes that’s because you were short skirts and you got a big rack”

(The girl stands up and slaps him in the face and she walks of. He gets up and he has a big red mark on his face. The people that she was serving starts to chap and she takes a bows and walks of)

Rick = “See you later”

(Rick opens his coke then starts to work he pass some things throw the saner)

Rick = “That will be £5.60 please thank you

(She hands him a £10 pound note. There’s a counter that moves be it self
He puts the £10 in the till and takes out a £5 puts it on the counter and starts picking change out and then the £5 gets sucked in to the machine and smoke and fire starts come out of it)

Rick = “Ah shit”

(Rick gets his coke and pours it on to the machine. There’s a big bang and a flesh then all the lights go out. The door of the boss office slams open and Mr Gerson walks in)

Gerson = “Wares Rick Plant”

(Cuts to Rick outside walking towards his car with his hand in his pocket he is bringing out his mobile and he rings a number)

Rick = “Hi Jaime its me Rick”

(It cuts to Jaime driving his car)

Jaime = “Yes I know who it is what’s wrong”

(That is a bit of a day with us and i hoped you liked it)

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Comments by other Members

Peter D at 15:46 on 27 August 2003  Report this post

Hi there

A few format notes below: use scene headers etc. Look for redundancy in the action lines, look to live more in the moment: also if you change time frames in a location use LATER.

Good overal concept - v neat. Good characters, action and image: but the formatting is all over the place: you're hurting your work because of it, but all the good elements are in your work.

'You can see Rick’s boss coming' = name him, turn to more active tense: ditto throughout.

Check for typo's - i.e. ok way

As I say, I like the idea, but until you really nail the formatting then it's hard to know exactly what's on screen.

Good luck


FORMAT NOTES (Largely copied from one of my other reviews, but still relevant!)

Don't use = and ".
CAP scene headers - and use them
There are strict page formats - adhere to them
Scene headers = INT/ EXT. PLACE - DAY/NIGHT
Start with FADE IN: End with FADE OUT:

There are also a few more general things I'd advise:

Don't over-use parentheticals
Don't use Cut-to/ directing terms
Don't direct - show us without using technical terms
Name the characters
Use the 'rule of 4': unless there's a v good reason, restrict action line paragraphs and dialogue to 4 lines:
I'd also paragraph off the action lines according to shots to make it an easy read - at the moment it's extremely dense and difficult to read.

Anna Reynolds at 16:41 on 24 September 2003  Report this post
Yes, I'd echo a lot of what Peter's saying here- it's really difficult to read because it's not laid out in a readable way. Also, not to put too fine a point on it, you've got to use your spell and grammar check, because certain words in some lines of dialogue don't make any sense at all. despite this, it manages to have lots of oomph inside it, but it would take a very determined reader to get through the way it looks at the moment. Have a look at the way Peter's laid his screenplay out, in this group, and then have a friend/colleague etc read it over for spelling and other errors before re-posting. Honestly, it's really, really important. Good luck.

old friend at 14:04 on 10 October 2003  Report this post
Hello Ian,

May I suggest that before you set out your writing in a filmscrip format, you pen your thoughts as a short story, a synopsis or a simple description of how your plot is going to develop.

If your idea is to record certain activities of different people then try to make notes of how each piece will be different or whether there are any 'linking' features.

You obviously have a talent for the 'visual' since you have grasped that what one sees (in most cases)is more important that what the characters say. However what the characters say is the way in which you, as the writer, will develop each character and give him/her a 'personality' that the viewer will appreciate. I know you are very ambitious and I admire this but you have to learn to walk before you can jump high hurdles. Do have another look at the comments from Pete and from Anna... they are both very experienced and helpful.

Lots of luck.



Zigeroon at 15:24 on 07 January 2005  Report this post


I would echo all the above. It started as a comedy and continued on through in similar vein, the conflict being him and the world, his luck and lack of it.

How did he get back into his locked car? Or did I miss something?

Nice one


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