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by Mr B. 

Posted: 29 May 2006
Word Count: 181

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A grey cloud of business suits
expands and contracts on the platform.
Conversations, half-grasped through rainfall,
tell me all is well in worlds
I don't care about.

They pass and disappear quickly.
All hands and bags and phones
and feigning nonchalance about their seat
and who, in the next two hours of their lives,
will be forced into their Living Space.

They leave the platform bare,
just a few stragglers, and the
anachronism of the Guard, whistle in hand,
watching the time tick down
until, like clockwork, the train moves off again.

An unmoving figure stares into the train.
He doesn't seem to mind the rain,
despite his lack of coat. A warm smile
just a little forced. A 'Goodbye'.
Real and human and anonymous.

Whose is the face that mirrors his behind the glass?
Such warmth and love from those eyes. And tears?
Or just the rain drops falling to the track.
A face that tries to reassure - 'We'll be ok',
it says. And means it. But first, the pain,

The agony of two souls joined, now torn apart.

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Comments by other Members

joanie at 18:33 on 29 May 2006  Report this post
Mr. B, Anthony... this must be personal experience. Thank goodness that I have never had to endure this trip into work. I think you have conveyed the situation wonderfully. The images are excellent.

I really like how the style changes towards the end; I love the questions and the short, sharp phrases. The last line is lovely and very poignant.

Would you consider changing the capitals at the start of each line? I think it's better to punctuate as you would in prose, but that's up to you.

I enjoyed the read.


Mr B. at 19:06 on 29 May 2006  Report this post

Thanks for the comment, and for the idea. I agree that taking away the capitals makes the poem less stuffy and formulaic. A nice, simple idea!



paul53 [for I am he] at 14:18 on 30 May 2006  Report this post
A well-observed piece that drew me in despite my not feeling particularly "in the mood". I wonder if the final line is needed. The rest was mood, tone and evocation.

Mr B. at 21:42 on 30 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Paul,

An interesting observation about the last line. I must admit it seems to work better without it - so will amend! Thanks for the direction!

Nice one!


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