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Underground

by Felmagre 

Posted: 01 September 2003
Word Count: 334


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The canaries singing ceased.
Lamps faltered; flickered; failed.
Fear and dread like an icy hand
gripped, and held fast our hearts.
Gas, the miner's nightmare:
joined our shift that day.
We breathed, but fearfully,
with lungs that barely worked.

Like sightless moles we moved,
along shafts; and seams,
in a subterranean world.
As the slow, relentless water,
dripped upon our heads,
Seeping, silently, into our bones,
creating problems for future days;
if they should come.

Our blackened, blistered, hands
traced the shaft,guiding us to the light of day:
rarely seen in our nocturnal world.
As skies were blocked from view,
by the early morning dawn and evening dusk.
If we ever saw the sun t'was through eyes;
reddened; smarting; inflamed by coal's gritty dust.

We guided the ponies out;
our boots, caked with a damp compacted mix,
grew heavier with every step.
Though we were luckier than some,
for us the hooter did not sound;
no gathering of family and friends,
at the head of the pit,
dreading what was to come.

Today, though, coal mining is different,
It's safer, no ponies, no birds.
Machinery now does the work.
Though there's danger even from that;
as white finger, not cosis's results.
There are baths now, I hear, at the pit,
a luxury, I wish we had had.

Mining's near dead now in Britain,
as coal is imported, these days.
It makes little sense, but explains...
why the bings, some that were higher than hills,
where brambles and crab apples grew.
(and kids played,in spite of the danger)
have been flattened,to make way for homes.

So with the death of the mines,
it's inevitable, landscapes have changed,
and hooters no longer are heard,
causing tears: bringing news of sadness and death.
though for men who once mined,despair has set in,
despite their view of the sun.

Communities, built over years, have now crumbled;
rather like old 'miners rows'
So you see, they're still there,
the tears, sadness, and death;
Only, just different, that's all !











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Comments by other Members



olebut at 17:07 on 01 September 2003  Report this post
felmagre

firstly welcome to WW

I read your poem with much interest isn't it a coincidence that the cry in the mines and in the trenches in the first war that was feared the most was the same cry

Gas Boys Gas

I am probably being picky but in line 2 you say the lamps failed and then in line 7 you say you doused them .

other wise I found you poignantly but effectively brought into focus a life which so many endured and the demise of that life

Living as I do in what was a mining area much of what you write I can relate to except the mines here had no gas

thank you for sharingthe poem with us

david

Account Closed at 18:34 on 01 September 2003  Report this post
This was very moving - my grandfather was a miner, so I've got family connections in the business. A good lament for a very hard way of life, I thought - though I wasn't sure about the use of "'twas" - it jarred a bit with the rest of the modern language - and I might too be tempted to remove the last line - and leave the reader with the taste of death on their lips.

Loved the use of alliteration too, and the (like Wilfred Owen) the pity behind the piece.

Best wishes

Anne B
x

Felmagre at 20:29 on 01 September 2003  Report this post
Hello David,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the poem. Truly I am already finding this helpful. Your comments were well founded and I shall amend.

Thanks again
Felmagre

Felmagre at 20:32 on 01 September 2003  Report this post
Hello Anne.B

I apprecaite your comments, Shall look ahgain at 'twas as anything which takes from the flow can't be good, unless intended. Had not thought to leave the reader with the 'taste of death' so will review that bit too.

Again my sincere thanks for taking the time and trouble to read and comment. Much apprecaited.

Felmagre.

Felmagre at 08:37 on 02 September 2003  Report this post
Hello again Anne.B and David,

I have re-worked the points raised. Would be interested if you would do me the courtsey of commenting on the adjustments.

Many thanks for your input; it is much apprecaited.

olebut at 09:05 on 02 September 2003  Report this post

Felmagre

I think that the flow of the poem works much better but I have taken the liberty of copying the following and reworking them slightly.

Explanation of why,

1) I think there are too many commas and thus unneccessary breaks in the flow of these verses

2) I think you use the ' I hear' I'm told a little too liberally although I appreciate you are trying to give a narrative I think you have to be careful not to overdo the use of this type of insert. ( it can again spoil the flow)

3) It is a long and immotive piece, try to get somebody ( a friend to read the work whilst you follow it on a copy) and note where their natural breaks come.

I have read it a few times to try to get the natural breaks but perhaps somebody reading it with a different dialect ( that in which it is written) may interpret it differently


Today coal mining is different,
It's safer, no ponies no birds,
machinery now does the work,
though there's danger even from that;
as white finger not cosis's results.
There are baths now at the pit,
a luxury, I wish we had had.

Mining's near dead now in Britain, they say,
as the coal is imported these days.
It makes little sense, but explains
why the bings, somethat were higher than hills,
where the brambles and crab apples grew.
and kids played inspite of the danger,
have been flattened,to make way for homes.

So with the death of the mines
it seems landscapes have changed,
the hooters no longer are heard,
causing tears: bringing news sadness and death.
though for men who once mined despair has set in,
despite their view of the sun.

Communities built over years, have now crumbled;
rather like old 'miners rows'
So you see they're still there,
the tears, sadness, and death;







You are of course free to discard any or all of my suggestions ( I wont take umbrage) after all it is your poem in your style. Equally there are those more qualified than I who may disagree with me anyway.

anyway it is a great piece very emotive

take care

david



Felmagre at 13:59 on 02 September 2003  Report this post
Hello David, Thank you for taking the time and trouble to read and adjust. May I take a few moments to re-read what you are suggesting before making comments.

Really, any suggestions are most welcome. I want to gain from the experience and insight of others.

Again many thanks.

olebut at 14:30 on 02 September 2003  Report this post
Felmargre

it is your poem take a lifetime if that is what it takes for you to be happy with your poem.


never a problem

take care

david

poemsgalore at 18:32 on 02 September 2003  Report this post
What a wonderful line

"Gas, the miner's nightmare:
joined our shift that day."

This is pure heaven to read, very evocative of those times. As we were reading it my husband was reminded of the song "Big John" by Jimmy Dean, all about a miner in the US. Your poem is gentler, but just as moving and powerful.

Felmagre at 18:41 on 02 September 2003  Report this post
Thank you for your kind and helful comments. I am moved to think it has been so satisfying to read. Truly the community has been very encouraging.

Thank you for taking the time to write and let me know your thoughts on this poem it is very much appreciated.

olebut at 19:08 on 02 September 2003  Report this post
kathleen

oddly enough I had New York Mining disaster by the Bee Gees in mind

' i keep straining my ears to hear a sound,
may be someone is digging underground
or have they given up and all gone home to bed
thinking those that once existed must be dead'

but whatever you relate it to I think Felmagre has a good poem which she may think is worth sending to the National Mining Museum as I know they have a number of poems about mining on view and some are recently written.

david



Felmagre at 00:31 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
Hello again David,

I was interested in your comments about sending the poem to the National Mining Museam. I would be interested to know the address and think I might just do that once final alterations are complete, particularly seeing folk think it is not too bad.

Thank you again for all your encouragement and suggestions. Still digesting them

Regards


olebut at 08:29 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
Fel magre

the following links may thus be of interest


Scottish Mining Museum
Museum of coal mining at Newtongrange outside of Edinburgh offers details of exhibitions, admission and events.
www.scottishminingmuseum.com


National Mining Museum link is

www.ncm.org.uk


hope this helps

david

ps if the links dont work just do a search for mining museum and the links will appear a sif by magic

take care


Felmagre at 11:58 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
Well, having read, re-read and given a deal of thought to suggestions made, I have now adjusted the poem and feel a great deal more satisfied withit. May I indulge your good nature a little more and ask for feedback on what will , hopefully, be its final format.

Thank you, all, again for your unstinting helfulness. I shall endeavour to be as open handed when my turn comes to help.

Many thanks
Felmagre.

PS Thank you for the addresses David, shall check them out later today.

fevvers at 13:34 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
Felmagre, hello,

This is an interesting poem and I enjoyed a lot about it. Like most people that have commented I have mining connections, my father, brother, both grandfathers, friends and my partner have all be colliers or in the case of my grandfather a pit blacksmith, I come from a large mining town slowly being destroyed by the cloure of the pits, so I can relate to much of this poem. I'm also writing a long sequence on it because it's such a rich seam (no pun intended) for poetry.

You have some lovely writing such as "Our blackened, blistered, hands / traced the shaft,guiding us to the light of day" - very plangent, very real. And it's these specificities which are the strength of your poem. It seems to me that this is a dialogue between an elderly redundant man and the young miner he was, a man who has seen it all, and is now seeing what happens when it all gets taken away.

An interesting exercise for this poem might be to try it out as an actual dialogue, starting with the modern day voice. I have concerns that at the 6th verse the voice sounds more like a newspaper report telling us how it is - as readers we want to feel how it is. If you have a voice asking it's younger voice questions or contradicting it or answering it, you'll avoid the pit-fall of journal sounding poetry and you'll also be able to play with your dialect - 'twas' stands out because the rest of the poem sounds too modern-English and I think that dialect might be important to the poem (of course it might not). You could even row like the 'old miners rows' that have now faded. You might also need to research it a little, interview people, bring in anecdotes (but be careful they don't take over the poem). When did canaries stop being taken down pits, when did ponies stop? - try and connect fact to something that's happened overground so the reader doesn't feel too subsumed by this underground world and this will allow you to make further comment through the poem - I like the reference to White Finger, but wanted more of it.

These are just suggestions. I think this is a poem that has huge possibilties. You could be the Stanley Burnshaw of our generation. Hope you don't mind my notes.

Cheers



Felmagre at 18:01 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
Mnd your notes, I should say not. I have been overwhelmed by the sheer generosity of group member, who have been so supportive and constuctive in their comments. Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I shall be taking up the points raised.

Really I do appreciate the time and effort everybody has invested in assisting me to 'shape' this poem.

I really am deeply grateful. Thank you
Felmagre.

peterxbrown at 00:28 on 04 September 2003  Report this post
The passion of the poem is a wonderful mix of anger and sadness. The subject matter is, in my untutored opinion, one of the most important social tragedies of modern society.The miner is the epitome of a class hero and the fate of his communities needs and demands the attention of poets who, like Felmagre,care. I think this poem is a rich seam of future work for Felmagre.It is bursting with ideas and emotions which I hope will be focused upon individually.
I am sure the mining museum want more.
I will treasure this poem which has the intensity of other memorable work on this theme:
"The pit-head bath's a supermarket now..........and if ham grew underground it wouldn't cost a pound a pound......"

"Close the coal-house door- theres blood inside!"

"if we ever saw the sun t'was through eyes:
reddened; smarting; inflamed by coal's gritty dust."

Thank you Felmagre.




Felmagre at 13:59 on 04 September 2003  Report this post
Hello Peterxbrown
Thank you for your comments. I was interested in other works along this line which you quoted and shall take time out to look them up. I am gratified that you found it of interest and made the time to let me know.

Regards
Felmagre.


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