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Flowers

by hailfabio 

Posted: 24 July 2006
Word Count: 89
Summary: I had this in short poetry.......


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If I gave you flowers,
in this shaded public house
would we have swelled for hours.
Letting the walls clamber in
on several mis-tangible coversations
about the overly worked oak tables or
perhaps the temptation of the quiz night on Monday.

Half-expensive and
a bit battered from my heavy hand,
these flowers would give you something
from me.
An apology, an advance, a cry for help.

You gave me so much more
than flowers ever could.

You gave me my dreams.

And my flowers couldn't save me from myself.






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Comments by other Members



joanie at 21:09 on 25 July 2006  Report this post
Hi Stephen. There is much in this that I really like:
Half-expensive and
a bit battered from my heavy hand,
these flowers would give you something
from me.
An apology, an advance, a cry for help.

and
perhaps the temptation of the quiz night on Monday.


However, I think it might benefit from a bit of tweaking.....

If I gave you flowers
in this gloomy public house,
would we have talked for hours
about the overly worked oak tables,
perhaps the temptation of the quiz night on Monday?


I love the sentiments.

joanie






Account Closed at 11:17 on 28 July 2006  Report this post
Ooh, very strong and poignant too. I'd do a bit of tweaking, and also cut the last two lines, as I think that will make the ending stronger. How about:


If I gave you flowers,
in this shaded public house
would we have swelled for hours

letting the walls clamber in
on several mis-tangible coversations
about the overly worked oak tables
or perhaps the temptation of the quiz night
on Monday?

Half-expensive
and a bit battered from my heavy hand,
these flowers would give you something
from me:
an apology, an advance, a cry for help.

You gave me so much more
than flowers ever could.


Just a thought - I think it might let the poem speak a little more clearly? Very powerful stuff!

A
xxx


Beanie Baby at 07:55 on 31 July 2006  Report this post
I agree with Joanie and Holly B but the sentiments shine through which ever way it is read. Very deep and moving, I really like it.
Beanie

hailfabio at 17:36 on 31 July 2006  Report this post
Yes comments well recieved.

Thank you.
Stephen

Tina at 07:08 on 02 August 2006  Report this post
Hi

I liked this one too and will leave the tweaking to others - just enjoyed it a lot thanks
Tina



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