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Ignored

by snavernitram 

Posted: 12 September 2006
Word Count: 348
Summary: strong language and graphic sexual descriptions, not actually erotica but you'll have to read it to find out. fairly short piece


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Ignored?

Story By Martin R Evans
Monday 11 September 2006

“How are we today?”

Pretty Horny thanks nurse, hoping you'll pay some attention to my dick today.

“I'll Just take of these sheets shall I? And then we'll see about cleaning you up.”

Cleaning me up, I don't want cleaning up, I want your lips around my cock.

“Oh! I see we're still alive down there then! I'll just fetch Sister”

No! not her she's a dragon, reminds me of my mother-in-law and who wants to fuck their mother in law. Bring the little blonde one, bit skinny but she's gagging for some man meat.

Where the hell are you going, I can't keep this up forever.

Oh that's great bring in the old battleaxe. Well I warned you my ardour would fail.

“I can't see the problem nurse, it all looks perfectly normal to me”

“But Sister, I swear he had an erection poking out from his pyjamas”

It's true sister a great big throbbing member just there waiting to be serviced.

“Well it's not there now, just carry on. It's perfectly normal in young males, any age male for that matter. I suspect he was dreaming”

Dam right! Dreaming of her straddling me and pushing the purple head through the plush girl fur in through those delicate pussy lips.

“Can he dream Sister? I mean after what happened?”

“Oh I'm pretty sure he can, the accident didn't stop the rest of him working, now clean him up and change his pyjamas and those sheets. Call if you need any help with the sheets.”

“What if?”

“Ignore it!”

Ignore it! Ignore it! Fucking typical, the finest example of Man's virility and you want her to ignore it. She's a young lass, how the hell do you expect her to ignore it?

“I wonder if he can hear us?”

Of course I can you stupid cow

“I don't think it matters, they don't come out of the coma after a smash like that. Big macho bikers, all they think of is how fast they can push it”

SHIT!






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Comments by other Members



Anna Reynolds at 15:04 on 12 September 2006  Report this post
Hi Martin, I wondered why this piece was so short? I think because it's such a devastating subject, it could definitely do with a bit more time to expand and build up- it'd be great to have more of his inner thoughts as a counterpoint to the nurses' reported speech. That way you could give more of a sense of the world he inhabits, how much he remembers, what he expects to happen to him now, etc. I think there's loads of potential here.

old friend at 20:01 on 12 September 2006  Report this post
Hi Martin,

Welcome to WW. I wrote something like this a while back under the title of 'Peep Show' - great minds and all that!

I think Anna has a point when she suggests that the story appears a little short and could include more of the MC's thoughts, perhaps even to reveal something more than his obsession with genitalia. This may even act as a counterpart not only to the nurses' reported speech (as Anna suggests) but it could add to the eroticism of the piece for all this would then emanate from a 'real' person from whom male readers can more easily take on board such thoughts and fantasies.

Len





hmaster at 20:46 on 12 September 2006  Report this post
Hi Martin, I've not been around these parts too long myself. I found it an interesting piece. This fragment appears darkly comic to me; but I think the comments about its brevity might have something to do with its punchline. It currently has the feel of a larger story that has been cut short. It you want to cut it short, it probably needs something more punchy and final at the end. What's more punchy than SHIT! you're probably thinking =)

My 2 pennies worth, take it or leave it.

snavernitram at 23:12 on 12 September 2006  Report this post
Thanks everyone (so far)

I looked up the Peep show and was impressed.

I'm glad that my humour wasn't totally lost in the piece. I think I was trying to convey a sense of frustration and anger with a total loss of social control. Having read the comments so far I feel compelled to explore this further. I'm currently working on a couple of other pieces but intend to expand when I have a little more time.

Now feel free to rip the bloody thing apart!

Martin R Evans

JenDom at 09:25 on 13 September 2006  Report this post
OOh a new piece of writing! I have learned to click on every new email here wherever they appear so as not to miss any bits of writing.

Anyway, I found this quite funny but wasn't too sure if I should have because I was laughing AT the guy ! I mean he's in a coma but being ruled by his penis!
:-)

But if this is going to be a longer story then maybe having his point of view throughout would eventually show him to be a character with depth and imbued with all the flaws and failings of any human being and maybe I would view his situation with a bit more pathos (and less cruelty as I did when I first read it!) as someone whose life is cut short by tradedy.

Jen

<Added>

[just noticed I misspelt tragedy! sorry!]
Jen

snavernitram at 12:11 on 13 September 2006  Report this post
Thanks

Being a bloke meself I'm not sure that one has to be in a coma!

Martin R Evans


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