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A Place to Dwell

by jadeddreamer 

Posted: 19 September 2006
Word Count: 221
Summary: Feel free to comment. I'm sure I'll be editing from time to time.

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Determined not to believe
Every truth I see a false, tinted reality
Struggle to see beyond the box
Strain past the limits set by the popular
Lament in the bonds
Made in our own minds

Bestowed upon me a filter
A conscious amount of wisdom
Free flowing through these veins
Simple and plain
To be given such a privilege
A friendly companion
Amongst these thoughts of mine

To know of the simplicity
Of a night time sky
A cool sweeping breeze,
The stars just within my reach
Solace in a boundless field
Blades of wild grass so tall

Reverence for the earth beneath my hands
Simple pleasures timelessly waiting
Just to know wonder is a triumph
Curiosity feeds desire
And love exists
As a burning ember
Delight in living, even for one gasp of air

Trust in life
Everything terrifying, enchanting
Taking shape an eternal muse
A song, a rhyme, a simple lyric
An unspoken current
A rythym forever to feel and hear

Revel in the belief
Intended for beauty is life's pattern
A series of moments
Collected and combined
Make the golden thread
That is entwined into the weave
Creating a larger design

So no sorrow
I feel or speak
Hope is my faith
This paradox we face
Is more than irony
Amazement and awe
Weapons for us to use

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Comments by other Members

paul53 [for I am he] at 08:11 on 21 September 2006  Report this post
This has to be the best of the three pieces I have looked at.
Despite this, my first impression is that this is a series of lines placed together in an attempt to clarify the author's thoughts.
What it now nees is a cohesive theme - or a scene in which it is indelibly set. Your previous poem "life of mine" is read with the strong visual image of the author alone in a faceless, soul-less room. Here, the reader has no such visual placing, no clue or hook to draw them into the piece. Because of this, the words emerge out of the air without accompanying pointers.
Try inserting a hook, like a certain sound, scent, colour or event [e.g. "outside my window, the throng mourn their princess / celebrate their team's victory" - and thus emphasising the sense of alienation].
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