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Samantha with the Extroverted Heart (please review)

by parrotcakes 

Posted: 18 October 2006
Word Count: 993
Summary: This is an odd piece- worth the read, and review.

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Samantha with the Extroverted Heart

There once was a girl,
A victim of bad luck,
She was born with a form
With it, she was stuck
Samantha was a gentle soul,
With long, blond flowing hair,
And every which-a-way she went,
People would ogle and stare.

Poor Samantha, could she escape this life?
She really did nothing to deserve these jeers,
She deserved all the praise and love in the world
But all she got were tears.
Though Sam’s life was filled with sadness
And hatred all the while,
She tried her very hardest
To get through it with a smile.
Samantha loved nature and its wonders,
For every living thing has a song
And through all nature’s splendors she’d sing,
As she’d peacefully wander along.
The quiet Samantha, what an enigma she was,
A whispering shadow, skimming your mind,
She was sweet, respectful, peaceful and nice,
Smart, mysterious, generous and kind.
Whenever you’d pass sweet old Sam
She’d be laughing and smiling, and playing her part
On the broad bass guitar that she claimed as her baby,
Mingling the dancing notes over her heart.

Samantha was born as a freak, you see,
And there was really no doubt.
The doctor was scared and announced with disgust:
“Sam’s heart is inside out.”
And indeed it was, in the literal term,
And it was quite hard to be
A freak with her heart on the front of her shirt
For everyone to see.
At Sam’s first day of primary school,
As she was boarding the bus,
She received sneers, and horrible leers,
And faces of disgust.
The driver, the children, the parents could see
The rhythm of every thump,
Each thought on her mind, the emotions on hand,
And watched as it beat and it jumped.
It was quite an odd sight, with it thumping away,
Sam’s mysterious, quiet and smart,
But her every whim, and her private emotions,
Revealed, by her extroverted heart.
Some say you wear your heart on your sleeve
Like an ugly, revealing tattoo.
Poor Sam could do nothing, she was born that way
With her heart right smack dab in your view.

And so all throughout her first day of school,
Samantha felt far too exposed
Since every rude stranger would stare at her heart,
With her dreams and emotions enclosed.
Her first day of school was more like a circus,
As the kids would trip, yell at and taunt her.
She’d be shy, look away, going on with her day,
But the rest of her life this would haunt her.

The boys and the bullies came over to her,
One said in a hiss like a snake:
“I’ve got me a bat and some needles as well,
So let’s get that girl’s big heart to break.”
So they poked her and pricked her and jabbed at her heart,
Until their sore bodies were worn.
They tried hammers and nails and pushed her against rails,
But her heart just refused to be torn.
And so Samantha sighed and ran out of the school,
The pain in her wet eyes alone,
She fled out of that place, fled right to the bay:
Her own personal safe haven zone.

She walked to the grotto, kicking stones in the sand,
And listened to the seagulls’ soft song.
Of mourning defeat, and it sounded so sweet,
For with life, she could not get along.
She sat down on a rock, cried her troubles away
Paving her problems with her porcelain tears.
And she basked in her sorrows and all of her dreams,
At the mercy of each of her peers.

For later, after ten days’ repeated defeat,
She went back to that spot on the bay,
And heard her heart thumping, it ruined her life,
That heart took all Sam’s dreams away.
And then as she went to leave the grotto,
To return to her life of no choice,
The sound, most peculiar drifted toward her,
It was the sound of another one’s voice.
“Hey,” it had said, “Now don’t be afraid,
I know you as well the sea,
I’ve watched you each day, if from quite far away,
And your troubles mean something to me.”
And that was the start of a long friendship,
On Samantha it shed some light.
Her friend Jeffery helped her through her hard times.
He respected and knew of her plight.
Samantha showed Jeffrey her meaning of life,
The world through her crystal blue eyes,
She played her guitar for her only best friend,
As the seagulls trilled melancholy cries.

Samantha and Jeffrey, inseparable friends,
For now, for the most of their life,
They had grown older together, and now they were teens,
But one-day, shock tore like a knife.
It was at the grotto by the bay
That he had told Sammie his plot,
“I’ve never loved you, it was all just a play!”
‘Twas her now-weakened heart he forgot.
Samantha now, overwhelmed with the grief
Of losing her supposed best friend,
Her heart started shaking, very clearly it was breaking,
And there was no way it could mend.
She had been let down, once and for all,
She had nobody else in the world.
Jeff was worse than the bullies, a spiteful young man,
It was then that his evil unfurled.
Samantha thought she found love that one night,
At the grotto by the bay.
But then her heart, it tore apart
And promptly she wasted away.

Samantha, with the heart of gold,
Who nobody ever would reach,
Was now the seashells, and sand in the tides,
Flowing in waves on the beach.

So next time you hear your heart thumps beating,
Listen near to what they are bringing.
You’ll hear seagull song, and quite before long,
You’ll hear Samantha’s soft singing.

And Jeffery, to this day, as he goes on his way,
Stops at every beach, the waves spoken,
Telling him he was cruel through their salt-ocean spray,
Nothing like a heart freshly broken.

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Comments by other Members

Prospero at 09:26 on 19 October 2006  Report this post
Hi Victoria

I am no expert in Poetry so I am not really in a position to comment, but my first impression as a fiction writer is that this is really too long.

Look at where you have padded the lines to make them scan and rhyme and try to shorten them or at least make the words more meaningful

The use of poetic phrases such as 'T'was' and 'which-a-way', don't help your poem as they are really no more than decoration and actually trip the eye.

I would strongly suggest you join one of the poetry groups where you will get much more expert help than I can give you.

One thing though, do persist with your writing. You do have talent, you just need to bring it under control so that you can say what you want to say when you want to say it.



writer_in_motion at 11:21 on 28 January 2009  Report this post
I really liked the story
The heart being out for all to see was really cool as was when the story processed and it weakened then subsequently broke that was cool.
Maybe adding a sinister undertone to the part where she befriends then unleashing the "plot"
onto the audience and Sammantha.
Making an aura with words can really count.


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