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On Them

by Star 

Posted: 21 November 2006
Word Count: 22

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On Him:
My belly boiling
My insides tumbling out
loose and stupid

On Her:
My blood frozen
Scarlet glass
shattered and labouring

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Comments by other Members

Account Closed at 09:56 on 24 November 2006  Report this post
A wonderfully imagistic piece, I must say. I'm not entirely sure of the context, but I have to say that for this poem that's irrelevant - as the words & patterning carry their own very strong punch, which has a lot of resonance.

Also, it's very visual. I'm reminded of the opera I saw recently of Henry James' "The Turn of the Screw" (think it's Britten, but can't remember off-hand ...) - like that, this has a clear focus on two protagonists, and there's a lot of sub-context which is never said, but which is very present.

I don't think I'd change a thing! Though, actually - to increase the flow, I'd make all the "My" words into "my" and put "scarlet" too. I don't think you need the capitals at those points. See - it's got to me and I'm still thinking about it!!! The lack of full-stops & commas is perfect, btw.



Zooter at 10:06 on 24 November 2006  Report this post
Woman discovers affair?

V nice.


Star at 17:09 on 24 November 2006  Report this post
From A to Z!

HollyB, you may well be right about the capitals. I can't edit at the moment but I'll have a good think about it.

Zooter, how astute you are.

Thank you both for such an encouraging start; I'm feeling all warm now.


joanie at 12:27 on 25 November 2006  Report this post
Hi Star. Welcome to WW. I love short poems and I love the patterns of poetry. This hits the spot on both counts! I would agree about the capitals.

The images are fantastic and keep the brain ticking.

I really enjoyed/am enjoying this.


Beanie Baby at 20:11 on 05 December 2006  Report this post
Thanks for sharing this,Star - for some reason, it made me think of a woman in child-birth - or rather one woman describing two separate births. Having said that, however, I can see Zoot's understanding of it makes a lot more sense.

I wouldn't change it either. It reads so beautifullt and I love it just as it is.

Beanie Baby at 20:12 on 05 December 2006  Report this post
beautifully - please excuse - can't tell my 'y' from my 't'!

Star at 23:11 on 12 December 2006  Report this post
Thank you Beanie and Joanie.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply; I seem to be a trifle snowed-under at the moment.

I quite like the child-birth idea........ hang on, let me rephrase that......... I quite like the idea that you saw something completely different in this poem, Beanie.
Is it necessary, or desirable, to understand the original intention of the poet (/author/artist etc)?
It's one of my favourite on-going debates (with one of my favourite people).

Sazmac at 21:22 on 13 December 2006  Report this post
Hi Star

I dont thinkits necessary at all, as long as you paint something and capture something that hits or connects with someone then that is all you are hoping to do?

As such you did, connected and painted

Write on


Star at 20:00 on 17 January 2007  Report this post
Thanks Saz

As it happens, I completely agree. I'm not suggesting I have achieved anything with this, just that it's all I am hoping to do. I love to hear what other people see in work.

Thanks for the encouragement.


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