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Ruth
Posted: 16 December 2006
Word Count: 164
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Ruth
You are my dawn
the first light of my days
As I awake from rumpled sleep
I think of you
and my world's at peace
You are my morning
the warmth of my new day
and on my present journey
I think of you
and my doubts are stayed
You are my noon
my solace at midday
As I rest from my day’s tasks
I think of you
and know I’ll find my way
You are my afternoon
my sunlight midst the grey
However life is going
I think of you
and forgive my yesterdays
You are my sunset
lighting up my sky
If I am sad at parting
I think of you
and know tomorrow’s on its way
You are my evening twilight
shining on my shadows
seeing things more clearly
I think of you
and still my fears of night
You are my pearl-sheened moonlight
shadowless delight
and as I drift to sleep
I think of you
and everything’s all right.
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 21:37 on 16 December 2006
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Hi Zettel. I hope this is going to be a Christmas gift, beautifully scribed and framed!!
I like the form and the rhymes .... and the sentiments. Lovely.
joanie
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 James Graham at 17:52 on 19 December 2006
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Some of the things I put in my comment on Stephen's poem 'Brother' equally apply to your poem - about literary and publishing reasons not being the only reasons for writing. A poem can be meant first and foremost as a personal gift.
I like the patterns in this poem. The passage of a day, from waking to sleeping, makes your thoughts about your daughter ring even more natural and true - 'as true as day follows night'. Each part of the day has its own distinctive feature - waking, the journey, midday break etc - but the refrains 'You are...' and 'I think of you' bring us back to what's constant. Change and constancy.
My only slight misgiving is that in the afternoon, sunset and evening verses you lose touch a little with your own personal day. We have your waking 'from rumpled sleep', your journey to work, your midday break, but those concrete things seem to disappear until we come to 'I drift to sleep'. This applies to the third lines of stanzas 4-6. I'm going to suggest a rather feeble change for stanza 4, just as an example:
You are my afternoon
my sunlight midst the grey
on my journey home
I think of you |
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Not that line, maybe - but something that refers to what you might be doing at that time of day. Those third lines don't rhyme and should be easy to revise. 'If I am sad at parting' maybe doesn't need to change, but 'However life is going' and 'seeing things more clearly' aren't your strongest lines! Something more concrete would strengthen the poem and form another complete pattern within it.
Let me know what you think.
James.
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.JPG) Zettel at 23:15 on 22 December 2006
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James - thanks for the comments.
Interesting issue. You are quite right I think about the general accessibility of the lines you quote. But as you have also noted, this is a poem for an individual and not for publication etc. And those lines will mean something Ruth will understand but not the general reader. I still take the point that they can be improved and I'll look at that. So to clarify the issue - we have a potential conflict between improving the poem for the genreal reader at the expense of the specific person for whom it was intended. Maybe there's a middle way - certainly no one can be all that thrilled with a line like 'however life is going' . So thanks for the comments it tells me where to look in order to improve it - and that is valuable.
regards
Z
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 hannahjane at 05:01 on 23 December 2006
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I really like "as I awake from rumpled sleep", I thought that was a beautiful line. Ditto with "pearl-sheened moonlight". In general, I like the stanza structure & form too.
I'm sure your daughter will appreciate it too. :-)
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Zettel at 23:53 on 24 December 2006
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Thanks HJ
While one is never satisfied, there are some expressions one is nore pleased with than others, and it is nice to get some fedback that others agree. I am glad to say Ruth was very pleased - again a relief because a poem is such a personal thing.
Thanks for the comments. Have a nice Christmas.
regards
Z
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Tina at 08:57 on 29 December 2006
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Hi Z
Sorry about lateness but here I am now
Loved your poem and hope your daughter did too - how old is she?
With best wishes for 07
Tina
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