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intricacy
Posted: 08 February 2007
Word Count: 180
Summary: who looks? do you?
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how closely do we look?
patterns rule our lives
don't they?
step back a moment and look
cobwebs shimmering with the morming dew
intricate crystal patterns on icy windows
criss cross patterns made on our skin
a tattoo of life an intricate picture
isn't it?
dragon scaled
shining in the glittering light
silver, gols and amber bronze
reflect intricate magnificence
don't they?
the peacock's filigree tail
with eyes foretelling
selling the secrets that you didn't know you had
colours sharper than a prism
all that eyes can choose to see
can't they?
cross stitching tapestry backwards and forwards creating a scene
multi-coloured memoreis only seen by you
aren't they?
skim those smooth pebbles
create intricate ripples on the pond
where ducks leave a wake
on the watery shallows
don't they?
the middle of the night
stars in your eyes like pinpricks
letting the light through
until you wake
losing the brightness
of those intricate constellations
didn't they?
time to leave these diamonds
multi-faceted
sparkling reflections
crystalline gemstones
irridescent feathers
but now it's time
to leave these intricacies behind
isn't it
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Comments by other Members
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 Beanie Baby at 08:33 on 09 February 2007
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Hi there Cariad.
I like this poem very very much - particularly the way most of the stanzas end on a question because, when you think about it, we spend most of our lives asking questions - many of which can never be answered. I think the flow of this piece of work would be very much improved if you could pare it down a bit. What I have done is copy and pasted it and just altered the layout and wordage a touch so that you can compare it to your original. As you can see, I actually haven't changed the essence of it one iota. All I have done is demonstrated how even longer poems like this can benefit from being honed.
Don't forget - these are only my suggestions so don't feel obliged to make any changes - and please excuse, if you don't like them.
how closely do we look?
patterns rule our lives
don't they?
step back a moment -
see cobwebs shimmering with
morming dew,
crystal patterns on icy windows
criss cross patterns on our skin,
a tattoo of life,
an intricate picture,
isn't it?
dragon scaled
shining in the
glittering light
silver, gold and amber bronze
reflect magnificence,
don't they?
the peacock's filigree tail
with eyes foretelling
selling secrets you
didn't know you had,
colours sharper than a prism,
all that eyes can choose to see
can't they?
cross stitching tapestry
backwards, forwards,
creating a scene
multi-coloured memories
only seen by you
aren't they?
skim those smooth pebbles
create ripples on the pond
where ducks leave a wake
on the watery shallows
don't they?
the middle of the night
stars in your eyes like pinpricks
letting light through
until you wake
losing the brightness
of those intricate constellations,
didn't they?
time to leave these diamonds
multi-faceted
sparkling reflections
crystalline gemstones
irridescent feathers
but now it's time
to leave them behind
isn't it
As you can see, I have removed a few random 'and's and 'the's and taken out words relating to intricacy a couple of times, because my feeling is that the title in itself summarises the point you are making - and excess use of it in the body of the work itself takes some of the title's impact away.
I hope I haven't hurt your feelings; whichever way you look at it, this is a beautiful piece of work.
Best wishes always.
Beanie
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paul53 [for I am he] at 09:37 on 19 February 2007
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Hi Cariad,
There are some fine turns of phrase in this, and some excellent and concise poetic descriptions which make me feel we shall be seeing more great things to come from you should you become a Full Member.
Coming at this from a different direction, I like poetry that causes the reader to ask questions, rather than asks itself.
What I mean is the old adage that a good teacher is one who helps students find the answers [organises a voyage of discovery] rather than merely tells them what the required answers are.
With this in mind, I was wondering if you had considered this piece without the questions, thus leaving the reader to ponder and fill in the blanks themselves?
e.g.
patterns rule our lives
cobwebs shimmering with the morning dew
intricate crystal patterns on icy windows
criss cross patterns made on our skin
a tattoo of life an intricate picture
dragon scaled
shining in the glittering light
silver, gold and amber bronze
reflect intricate magnificence
the peacock's filigree tail
with eyes foretelling
selling the secrets that you didn't know you had
colours sharper than a prism
all that eyes can choose to see
etc.
Even so, this piece has much promise.
This, and Beanie's comments above, are the depth of comment given in response to the author's "Go On, I Can Take It", which I feel is always a brave step for newer members.
p.s. there are quite a few spelling errors which can be corrected using your Owner Edit function above the poem or on your My WriteWords page.
Paul
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 cariad at 11:45 on 19 February 2007
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cheers paul no point in being a member of a group like this if you can't take honest comments
hope i never stop learning & reviewing what i right & what others say is very useful i may or may not do anything about it lol but will take all on board
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cariad at 12:09 on 19 February 2007
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me again having gone back over intricacies i prefer to leave the questions in the strength then coming in the last line which is a statement but i take your point
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Comments by other Members
