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Vessel to the Essence

by Anmaara 

Posted: 21 February 2007
Word Count: 1229


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1
Chapter 1


“Sam, Sam! Wakeup, can you hear me.”
The voices sounded so far away. Sam opened her eyes and the faces slowly came into focus. She tried sitting up but was unable to; the pain searing her body. She felt as though she had been slammed against a brick wall with great force.

Three pairs of eyes stared at her with great concern and anxiety. Sam touched the back of her head and felt the lump protruding. “I’m ok guys I just need to….” Sam was unable to speak any further as she was hit with a wave of nausea.

“ Your not ok Sam we found you unconscious, what happened?” asked Jessica her voice quivering. Sam tried to remember what had happened; why she had fainted.
As it all came back to her she felt a chill run down her spine.

They had started the day on a high note, exams were out of the way and school had closed for the summer holidays. The had planned the trip for some while. Sam, Dave, Jessica and Matt were all rock climbing fanatics and the trip was a climbing expedition to the peak district.

Sam’s father was a climbing expert at the peak district and had managed to get them permission to try one of the more challenging cliff and so they had all set of at 6am on a clear and bright Saturday morning.

Sam had received a second hand but none the less beautiful mini on passing her driving test, she was nervous as this was her first time driving on the motorway.
“I think you need to drive above 40 on the motorway Sam” spoke Matt slyly.
“ Shut up Matt, she needs to concentrate” Jessica told her boyfriend off.

Jessica was tall slim and extremely beautiful with long shiny blond hair and large hazel eyes. She was one of the most popular girls in the school. Sam and Jessica were friends since primary school and although Sam was pretty with auburn hair and bright green eyes she was not Britain’s next top model and so at times felt in the shadow of her beautiful friend.

“Come on Sam we need to get there to day” Matt was in his clowning moods.
“Shut up!!” shouted Sam and Jessica simultaneously.
“ It’s not funny Matt” Sam spoke looking in the rear view mirror at Matt.

Matt looked at Sam with a huge grin on his face. He was tall with rugby player shoulders, jet black hair and blue eyes. Jessica and Matt had started off as friends but started dating a month ago.

Sam hoped it lasted and didn’t affect their friendship. Sam took a deep breath, she’d be able to relax if it weren’t for Matt’s silly comments.
“ Are we there yet?” asked Dave followed by a yawn.
“We should be off the motorway in another 10 minutes” Spoke Sam whilst trying to
2

concentrate on the signs.
“well wake me when we do.” Dave spoke as he replaced his baseball cap over his eyes.

Dave was tall and gangly, not a boy but not quite a man yet. His face was covered in acne and his blonde hair was always a mess; pointing in different directions.

The car came to a stop and they all jumped out of the vehicle.
“Good driving Sam.” Smiled Dave.
“You call that driving, we should have been here half an hour ago.” Matt said and swiftly dodged Jessica’s hand.
“Kidding! I’m just kidding.”

“Lets unload the gear, we need to make a move if we want to make good time.” Sam said not looking at Matt.
“Sam are you sulking.” Matt came round the car and gave Sam a friendly slap on the back. “ You know I’m only kidding.” He said as he gave her a hug.


Sam smiled at Matt and rubbed her back.
“You know the drill girls last one up has to do the dare.” Dave was just as bad as Matt at times.
“Yes and the dare is last one up has to mix their snot in coke and drink every drop of it!”
“Oh grow up.” Said Jessica and this time Matt didn’t manage to dodge her hand.”

They unpacked the climbing gear and went through the safety checks. Sam was more nervous than she seemed. She had fallen on one of her previous climbs with her father and was lucky she had not received any fatal injuries thanks to her safety gear. Her knot had come undone and she had plummeted to the ground. She had been in hospital for 2 weeks recovering from a broken knee cap and sprained wrist.

She could do this, and she had been looking forward to this trip. She double checked her knots. “You ok?” asked Jessica gently, sensing her friends unease. “You don’t have to do this if your not up to it” Jessica tried to reassure Sam.
“I’ll be fine once I’m up there.” Smiled Sam.

Sam sighed with relief as she reached the top of the cliff; it had taken all her will power to continue and she sighed with relief as she neared the top. Dave extended his hand and Sam clasped it gladly. She was out of breath and her knee was throbbing.

Jessica smiled at Sam; her face glistening with exertion. “You managed really well Sam, I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, I needed to do this.” Sam was glad she hadn’t given in to her doubts and nervousness.

“I think it’s dare time, what do you think mate?” spoke Matt with a twinkle in his eye.
3

“Absolutely, as my mother say, the family tradition must be kept alive at all costs.” Dave spoke whilst wagging his eyebrows at Jessica and Sam.
“You two are so pathetic at times; it makes me want to gag.” reproached Jessica.
“Puck,puck, puck,puck,” the boys began to make clucking sounds and flapping their arms.
“Grow up!” Jessica was becoming quiet irritated by their childish behaviour.
Sam rolled her eyes at Jessica, “let them do their worst.”
Matt and Dave joined heads together and began to whisper as Sam and Jessica looked upon in earnest.

“Ok as we know Sam was the last one up, which, makes her the dare doer…. A gleeful Matt spoke, however his much relished speech was interrupted by an indignant Jessica. “That’s not fair! Sam is still recovering from her bad knee.”

“That is why were going easy on her, all she has to do is sit in that cave for twenty minutes.” Dave pointed over his shoulder with an innocent expression.
“ You don’t have to do this.” spoke Jessica casting an angry look towards the two dare deciders.

“Fine,” was all Sam managed as she looked at the formidable, dark opening of the cave; strange that she hadn’t noticed until now for it was quite large and scary looking.

“ahoo, ahoo, ahoo!” Matt and Dave began making howling sounds as Sam neared the cave. She looked backwards, faced the cave and took a steadying breath. As she walked into the cave a breeze began to blow.

Jessica shook her head at the two testosterone filled males, took out her nail filer from her diesel jacket and sat on a small boulder. What idiots was her last thought as she concentrated on her perfectly shaped nails.
















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Comments by other Members



mermaid at 14:24 on 23 February 2007  Report this post
Hi there, Saffia

Welcome to WW!

I think this has the potential of being a really fun, engaging piece. It just needs tweaking somewhat. Here are some ideas on how to approach it, but just ignore me if you feel I'm going too far & you already know the techniques I mention.

1. I reckon that you need to go through the whole piece slowly, checking for grammatical errors. I found the punctuation a bit slap-dash. It would really make the world of difference if you tightened it up. You often use a comma where there needs to be a full stop, and nothing where there needs to be a comma. Some of the sense and rhythm of what you're saying is lost because of this. I wonder if it would help if you read it aloud, and listen to yourself to see what sounds right and what doesn't? I've gone through the first three paragraphs, tweaking, to give you an example. But this is just how I would do it, so as I said, feel free to ignore.

“Sam, Sam! Wake up. Can you hear me?”
The voices sounded so far away. Sam opened her eyes and the faces slowly came into focus. She tried sitting up but was unable to: pain seared through her body. She felt as though she had been slammed against a brick wall with great force.

Three pairs of eyes stared at her with great concern and anxiety. She touched the back of her head and felt a lump protruding. “I’m ok guys - I just need to….” A wave of nausea hit her.

“ You're not ok, Sam. We found you unconscious. What happened?” asked Jessica, her voice quivering. Sam tried to remember what had happened; why she had fainted.
As it all came back to her she felt a chill run down her spine.


2. Be careful not to repeat a word or name in close proximity, such as 'peak district', in paragraphs 4 and 5.

3. When writing speech, it's good to stick to the bog-standard 'he said, she said'. 'She spoke' reads a bit awkwardly, and sticks out, rather than sinking into the background so that the dialogue can progress smoothly.

4. I think you could go a bit more easy on the descriptions of the expressions on the faces of your characters. You need to try and make their feelings obvious from the dialogue itself, without having to add extra pointers for your readers. Here is an example of a place where too much info makes things a bit slow and clunky.

“That is why were going easy on her, all she has to do is sit in that cave for twenty minutes.” Dave pointed over his shoulder with an innocent expression.
“ You don’t have to do this.” spoke Jessica casting an angry look towards the two dare deciders.


5. You begin this piece from the perspective of Sam, and then at the end you skip to Jessica's perspective. It helps readers to feel more involved with the story if you focus on just one perspective. I think that only very experienced and skilled writers can get away with changing perspective within a chapter/piece, and I aint one of those lucky people! I don't think you are either, just yet.

I hope that I haven't offended or depressed you by saying all this. Tell me to shut up and go away if you like! ;-)

Mermaid






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