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The Dubious Goal

by Jeremiad1971 

Posted: 15 March 2007
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Summary: Stephen is bored young worker in an egg factory who pursues his fantasy career.

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bjlangley at 09:21 on 19 April 2007  Report this post
Hi Jeremiad, this has some very surreal moments, but combined well with the very real dream of Stephen. Things like the 21 egg salute and the kids fleeing on mini-bikes is wonderfully bizarre, but would be great visually.

I felt the dialogue of some of your more rigid characters, the supervisor at the egg place, and the gray suited man felt a bit clunky, not really very natural, can't really put my finger on it, they just seem to say what they need to, than have anything behind that.

The overall story I enjoyed, Stephen achieving his dream, only to find the reality of it a nightmare - it's also a point I agree with commentators these days focus on the negative - the striker always shoots right at the keeper, rather than the keeper being well-positioned, for instance.

There are a couple of typos in there, and I think it would benefit from another edit to pick these out. Also, lines like; "and he looks like he needs the benefits of a probiotic diet." are funny, but I was advised to keep jokes out of the stage instruction, essentially they're wasted there, as the eventual viewer will never read it.

Hope that's helpful,

all the best,


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