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Colbert Report Segment

by Mellers 

Posted: 26 April 2007
Word Count: 580
Summary: Stephen Colbert was a correspondent on "The Daily Show" and now hosts his own show on Comedy Central. He plays a bombastic right wing pundit. Colbert describes "Stephen Colbert" as a "well-intentioned, ill-informed, high-status idiot" Among the character's quirks are a deep respect for George W. Bush, and fears about his sexuality. Colbert invites viewers to submit ideas. Here's one I submitted after Katie Couric was embarrassed by one of her producers...


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STEPHEN:

Folks, we all know the liberal media play fast and loose with the truth, but now it seems CBS News Anchor, Katie Couric - friend of the show and defeated contestant in our recent “Leg Off” - can’t even trust her own staff. (By the way, Katie, I am willing to offer you a re-match on that “Leg Off”…)

Last week Ms Couric taped a piece for a video diary segment on her show. Now, she assumed the piece had come from the pen of one of her writers. In fact, the monologue had been stolen in its entirety from Jeffrey Zaslow’s column in the Wall Street Journal. Of course this left Ms Couric with a red face and the producer who provided her with the material was fired.

Now I'm a busy man - I know it’s difficult to keep an eye on your staff at all times, but let this be a lesson to you, Ms. Couric – instead of writing cheers and shaking those pom poms, you need to be more vigilant when it comes to your underlings. You need to monitor them constantly. I mean follow them home if you have to – that’s what I do...

...in an unrelated matter, I’ve had some staff resignations recently...which means we’re somewhat short staffed here at The Report. However, Bobby, my Stage Manager has been picking up the slack. As well as his own duties, he’s also been taking care of my post show rub down, alphabetising my “House” DVDs and writing material for the show.

CUT TO BOBBY LOOKING TIRED AND EMOTIONAL


STEPHEN:

I really want to thank you Bobby. You’ve done some great work this week. Although you might want to use a little less fabric softener on those towels…I like to feel the burn. Movin’ on…


TO CAMERA 3


Nation, I never thought this would happen to me, but…last night I had the most amazing experience of my life… There I was, on guard as usual, when out of the shadows came a musclebound dim skinned amigo who asked if he could “man my post” This illegal horny hombre went south of my border without a Green Card all night long…


STEPHEN TAILS OFF. WITHOUT TURNING ROUND.

STEPHEN:


…Bobby?


CUT TO BOBBY LOOKING SHEEPISH

CUT BACK TO STEPHEN



STEPHEN:

Bobby. Did you write this?


BOBBY:

Uh, sorta? I’ve been really busy – I haven’t slept in 4 days - I’m sorry…I…got confused….


STEPHEN:

Bobby?!


BOBBY:

(MUTTERS) I got it, uh, I got it from the letters page of “Homoland Security”


STEPHEN:

What?


BOBBY:

It’s a gay magaz…


STEPHEN:

I know what it is… I mean, I can guess what it is! The point is…let me see this magazine…



CLOSE UP ON MAGAZINE:



“Homoland Security”

Main Article: “Spanking. Unreasonable Force?”






STEPHEN:

Bobby – where did you find that magazine?


BOBBY:

In your…



BOBBY TRAILS OFF. STEPHEN STARES AT HIM, DARING HIM TO FINISH THAT SENTENCE


I…I’d rather not say


STEPHEN:

Bobby, bring that over here...


BOBBY BRINGS MAGAZINE TO THE DESK AND HANDS IT TO STEPHEN

Well, Bobby, I have to say that I’m disappointed. Consider yourself relieved of writing duties. Now…I should fire your ass, but I’m not going to... I dunno…let's say... you leave that magazine with me to dispose of and…we’ll say no more about it. You can go.

SHOVES MAGAZINE UNDER DESK


(TO BOBBY) Remember. Less fabric softener!

TO CAMERA 3:

Movin’ on…






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Comments by other Members



NMott at 23:17 on 26 April 2007  Report this post
Very good, and refreshingly original, Mellers.
Stephen's opening monologue was very fast paced. I read it though then read it again before I got all the jokes - reminds me very much of West Wing which also uses fast paced monologues. Everytime I watch the episodes I find something new which I missed last time.
Looking forward to reading more :)

- NaomiM

bjlangley at 10:39 on 30 April 2007  Report this post
Hi Mellers, don't personally know Colbert, so can't say if this fits the show, but it certainly felt consistent within itself, and fitting for a 'the daily show' type thing.

Some nice touches in here - like the way 'writing material for the show' is last on the list of things to do.

The only think I'm not sure on is how PC the show is, and whether you'd get away with Homoland Security - personally I liked it (the gag, not the mag!)

Anyway, I enjoyed this.

Thanks

Ben

Mellers at 16:14 on 30 April 2007  Report this post
Hi guys - glad you enjoyed the piece!


NaomiM - I love The West Wing too, so I really appreciate your comment - definately that show (and The Colbert Report) require a good ear to catch everything - they're both very fast-paced.

Ben - glad you picked up how the "writing material..." was last on the list. Colbert is too self-absorbed for it to be any other way!

The show's just not that PC - it sails fairly close to the wind - like The Daily Show - without being vulgar. "Homoland Security" would be fine I reckon! I went for something patriotic and... y'know, gay. "Where Eagles Bare" just didn't quite cut it...!

Thanks so much for both your very encouraging comments - I'm sure there'll be more in this vein - I'm actually interested in writing for the show, so I'm building up some spec segments for which I'd be appreciative of feedback.

Mel


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