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Flash: A Gift in Trade from Another Country...

by Dreamer 

Posted: 03 May 2007
Word Count: 300
Summary: Small excerpt from my Novel that fits the challenge.


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Shodhenawat looks at us, his eyes seeming to weep dry tears. “The village wailed in fear for the people recognized the Evil Spirit. The ‘Rotting Face’ so feared by our Sachems; the ‘Pimple Sickness’ of the white man, brought from across the great salt lake.

“Walks with Bears, oldest and wisest of Medicine Men, beseeched the Manitous. He stamped the earth outside our lodges so the evil could not walk there, laid sacred charms at our doors, danced enchantments ‘till he dropped; but it was too late. The Evil Spirit already walked among us. It had spit in our cooking pots, soiled our robes, and lain with our wives.” He draws a deep shuddering breath. “The Evil Spirit threw its blanket across the village, branding young and old alike with its mark. It crawled beneath their skin, beat a war drum in their heads and threw dry kindling on the fire raging in their spirits.

“The little ones cried out for water then wept with the pain of swallowing. With every cough, blood flew from their lips, tearing the hearts from their mothers, even as they writhed in their own agony. Pain ripped through their bodies as flames leaping across the majestic pine when the forest burns. Yellow pus poured from their sores as sap bubbles from the young sapling thrust into the fire.”

Bile rises in my throat as my mind lives the horror my friend is describing. Beside me Frederick weeps. Shodhenawat alone seems unaffected. It is as if his spirit has fled and he reads from a script written in the sky. “Our lodges stank of the rottenness of our flesh. We burned the dead with sweet grasses but nothing relieved the stench that filled our nostrils. I know I shall have that stink with me always.”







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Comments by other Members



Forbes at 23:10 on 03 May 2007  Report this post
Very descriptive - smallpox? What is the novel? how far along is it?

Pretty grusome stuff, well set down.

TFR

Forbes

Jumbo at 23:25 on 03 May 2007  Report this post
Brian

More fine writing. And great dialogue from your man Shodhenawat.

That phrase He draws a deep shuddering breath. really adds power to the dialogue.

and

Yellow pus poured from their sores as sap bubbles from the young sapling thrust into the fire


... makes sure we can't choose to ignore what S is telling us.

I like it. Thanks for the read

john

Prospero at 12:49 on 04 May 2007  Report this post
Excellent Brian. I particularly like the inclusion of the old medicine man, gave the whole piece a real air of authenticity. You must really do some deep research to achieve such telling images and metaphors.

Best

Prosp

Dreamer at 13:57 on 04 May 2007  Report this post
Thanks for the very positive comments Prosp.

Yes, the old medicine man is a particular favourite of mine. I think the character can be a little crotchety sometimes; very wise but a little difficult, maybe even eccentric? Can you picture him?

You must really do some deep research to achieve such telling images and metaphors
You are absolutely right. I doubt you would believe where I got these from. If I revealed my source, according to code, I would have to kill you... :)

Jumbo has picked up on one of my favourites.

I am pleased you did not find a single ‘pick’.

Thanks for your ongoing support.

Brian.


Dreamer at 14:04 on 04 May 2007  Report this post
Hi Jumbo,

Thanks for the very supportive comments. I quite like Shodhenawat. He was not a character I originally intended but he has grown beyond my expectations and I feel I have quite a connection with him.

You point out one of my favourite images:
Yellow pus poured from their sores as sap bubbles from the young sapling thrust into the fire


I must fess up though. This particular one was suggested to me by Prospero. Despite my natural inclination to ignore anything he suggests, this one was just too good to lass up. :)

Thanks again, your input is appreciated.

Brian.



Dreamer at 15:30 on 04 May 2007  Report this post
Hi Forbes,

Yes it is smallpox.

The novel is about the French and Indian war and follows a reluctant French marine based in Fort Niagara as he slowly gains an appreciation for the land and its people.

So far I have about 38 chapters. I think it may be turning out to be two books...

Still don't have a title so I just call it 'Niagara' for now.

This was pretty gruesome stuff and played an important role in what happened to the Indians so I feel it is an important section of the book, to try and graphically demonstrate this. Shodhenawat loses his wife to this epidemic but we don't find this out until later.

Thanks for your interest.

Brian.

tractor at 12:03 on 05 May 2007  Report this post
Brian,

right between the eyes writing! Some really good metaphors and images as Prospero says, making the whole very involving and atmospheric.

Mark

choille at 00:21 on 06 May 2007  Report this post
Hi Brian,

Brilliant writing and wonderful dialogue which sounds totally authentic.

The ending:-
“Our lodges stank of the rottenness of our flesh. We burned the dead with sweet grasses but nothing relieved the stench that filled our nostrils. I know I shall have that stink with me always.”
is very powerful, made more so that the Indian recites it dead pan - as if part of Shodhenawat had died too.

Love it.
All the best
Caroline.



SamMorris at 16:42 on 06 May 2007  Report this post
Hi Brian,

Very powerful writing. There are some great lines here.

It crawled beneath their skin, beat a war drum in their heads and threw dry kindling on the fire raging in their spirits.


Blimey, lost of pain and sadness this week.

I'm intrugued about the book! Good luck with it.

Sam

Dreamer at 18:45 on 06 May 2007  Report this post
Mark,

Glad you liked it. Thanks for the comments.

Brian.

Dreamer at 18:47 on 06 May 2007  Report this post
Hi Caroline,

Thanks for the supportive comments. Glad it sounded authentic to you.

as if part of Shodhenawat had died too
Actually Shodhenawat lost his wife to this epidemic but we don't discover this until near the end of the book.


Thanks again,

Brian.


Dreamer at 18:49 on 06 May 2007  Report this post
Hi Sam,

Glad you liked it.

I'm acyually having a lot of fun with the book. Off to a 'War College' in two weeks where I hope to learn a lot more.

Thanks,

Brian.

crowspark at 20:56 on 08 May 2007  Report this post
Stunning writing, Brian.
Wasn't smallpox introduced with infected blankets? If so this makes the following particularly chilling.
The Evil Spirit threw its blanket across the village, branding young and old alike with its mark.

Great phrase, Rotting Face.
Loved
It had spit in our cooking pots, soiled our robes, and lain with our wives.

and this was particularly vivid
Pain ripped through their bodies as flames leaping across the majestic pine when the forest burns. Yellow pus poured from their sores as sap bubbles from the young sapling thrust into the fire.

No nits at all.
Great last sentence.
I know I shall have that stink with me always.

Thanks for the read.
Bill

Dreamer at 21:19 on 08 May 2007  Report this post
Thanks Bill,

Originally i was going to have Gontier hear of the effects of smallpox on the French Indian allies but then I thought it would be more effective if his friend Shodhenawat had experienced it. I feel it is an important part of the book so wanted this passage to be graphic and gripping.

Thanks for the comments.

Brian.


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