 Account Closed at 19:44 on 29 October 2003
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Has no one commented on your work? I'd love to read it but just seen it's 92 pages and I can't stay on internet for the time needed (or download it) Could you perhaps re-post it in little chunks?
Thanks
Elspeth
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chinamummy at 09:31 on 30 October 2003
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Hi Elspeth. I'd certainly like you to read it so I'll send it to you a scene at a time. Thanks. C
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Account Closed at 17:29 on 02 November 2003
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Hi Chinamummy,
I enjoyed this very much!! There is some great humour in it and the pace is good. Craig reminds me of the boss in “The office” everything –ist and unaware of it! The characters came across really well and I believed in them.
I did get bogged down in the format. If you go on the bbc website you can download scriptsmart software which should help you. (I’ve never tried but have been told)
Here are some format comments – I stopped at scene 8 in order to find out what happened next.
Scene 1: Is the time SO important? Usually we just state DAY or NIGHT. If a time is crucial you could show a clock or watch?
What do you mean OOV?
Action lines do not need to be in capital letters or in brackets.
Don’t use the passive. If we can’t see who does something you could say a pair of wrinkled hands lift the cat.
In general avoid : (FRANTIC) brackets with emotions. Either it should be clear in the dialogue or in the actions. E.g. rushes in, looks round, frantic.
Scene 2:
Try to think visually, SHORT SCOTSMAN How do we know?
Avoid camera directions: CUT TO: don’t need it.
Scenes 3-4
Very funny – I like the humour!! When you introduce a new character put their name in capitals followed by a short description. Then the next time you mention them, put the name in normal letters –it’s easier to follow. Avoid –ings in action lines.
Scenes 5-6
The pace is good. Did I miss a brawl? Wouldn’t it be good to show that?
Scenes 7-8 Good idea to get out of that room now!
I hasten to add, I’m not an expert but I think correct format would make it easier to read and then you could see how long it would be 1 page in correct format= 1 minute. I think this would be too short for a feature but too long for a short!
Hope this makes some sense and helps
Elspeth
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chinamummy at 18:48 on 02 November 2003
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Thanks for your comments Elspeth. Much appreciated. I guess there must be different schools of format as the one I use I was given by the BBC (I blagged a meeting with Mal Young and he gave me various scripts to look at and copy for the format which I've used ever since). Certainly for them putting the time on each scene is imperative, and all the scripts I've been given had action lines in capitals and brackets. Saying that I shall certainly have a look the one you suggest as I'm always willing to learn, and I'll certainly take your comments onboard.
OOV is standard TV script shorthand for out-of-view (sometimes OS is used instead)i.e. the speaker is not on screen but can still be heard (as one of my characters spends much of the episode holding the cam-corder you see a lot of this!)For scenes 5-6 a brawl has taken place off camera and the viewer sees the aftermath of it - as it is supposed to be an in-house documentary the camera is purposefully turned off when things get nasty. I'm glad you picked up the fact that there had been a brawl but maybe I ought to emphasise the camera being turned off a little more.
I have timed it to 26 mins which I've been told is the requisite length for a TV sit-com so I don't need to worry about it being a short or a feature as that isn't my market.
I really appreciate you taking the time to give me such useful feedback, hopefully you'll enjoy the rest of it too.
Regards
C.
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Account Closed at 19:12 on 02 November 2003
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Hi C.
Just ignore my format comments. I’ve learnt with American screenwriting rules which are very strict but I think in GB they are more laid back as long as it’s easy to read and if you’ve been advised to layout like that, don’t let me tell you otherwise. Also, I know nothing about TV!! I’ve read the whole thing and like it very much. Have you submitted it anywhere? Could it be part of a series? It seems very self-contained. Good luck with it anyway.
Elspeth
(I did get that the camcorder had been turned off for the brawl btw. – the plot is very clear)
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chinamummy at 23:12 on 02 November 2003
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Hi Elspeth
Thank goodness I've not been getting it totally wrong all this time! I've submitted it to BBC as they are actively looking for comedy writers (so I've been told) and frankly I've been told that it more than holds it's own against some of the programmes the BBC are currently making - granted I'm well aware that success in this business is very much who you know, even more so than talent at times. My main aim is to find an agent, using this and other pieces of work as calling cards. Thanks for your good wishes.
I did read your short (the milk one) but just as I was about to make my comments my twins decided to gang up on one of the cats, which is never a fair fight! In a nut shell I thought it was very moving, and I'd be surprised if you didn't get somewhere with it.
All the best. C.
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 willycan at 13:35 on 05 November 2003
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There's much to enjoy in this, i took a school boy delight in the names of bus companies, transport authority.
I loved the humour and it is simply packed with incident, a delightful succession of cock -ups.
However, it is too long to take in one go, I think if you want a detailed crit you'll have to break it down a bit into easier bites.
cheers willy
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chinamummy at 16:55 on 05 November 2003
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Thanks Willy. I'm glad you found it amusing - my dream is to see it become part of the Friday night ritual: 'down the pub, grab a curry takeout and get home in time for WANK'!
Can you recommend how best to break it down? Do you mean post it in 2/3 parts? Wouldn't that mean that each time I posted the next bit the previous one would be wiped, or am I being a bit thick?
Thanks again. C.
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chinamummy at 10:07 on 06 November 2003
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Hi Ross
Thanks for that. My home e-mail is claire@coachhouse.co.uk
Cheers
C.
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Nickhorrox at 11:26 on 20 November 2003
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Hi Chinamummy,
This immediately caught my eye as I have a background in both corporate video and local TV. I think it's such a great and funny idea - there are people like that around!. I've only just joined WW and this is the first piece I have downloaded. I can't wait to read it. Will get back to you with comments.
Nick
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Richardwest at 12:11 on 20 November 2003
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Hi chinamummy: I've only recently joined too and have come late to 'Bus Company'. Work of art, really. Certainly rang my bell and there must surely be more mileage in this for someone as in command of her platform as you so evidently are!
Richard
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chinamummy at 13:11 on 20 November 2003
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Hi Nick - hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. Look forward to your comments once you've stopped laughing (hopefully!)
C
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chinamummy at 13:15 on 20 November 2003
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Richard, what can I say? Coming from the writer of 'Porn Free' having my script called a work of art is praise indeed. Unless of course you meant arse, in which case I'm not flattered at all.
C
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EJ at 16:25 on 16 January 2004
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Have read through this script and really liked it. I note its been a while since you posted it up so I’m not going to go on about it too much as I see this has been done. However, I would be interested to know if you’ve had a reply from the BBC yet? Wonder if it was the standard rejection we all seem to get? Hopefully you’ve had more look with an agent.
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chinamummy at 18:27 on 16 January 2004
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Hi EJ
Yes it's been floating around for a while now - I received the usual writers room 'No' response from the BBC just before Christmas (the art of timing eh?). With regards to agents, I've had lots of standard photocopied letters telling me that they aren't taking on any new clients, one bloke who said that it didn't 'do anything' for him and one very nice lady who loved it but couldn't take it on as they were concentrating on drama clients. She did give me a list of agents that specialise in comedy writers and I was thankful to see that I'd already sent it to those anyway. I'm still waiting to hear from a few of the comedy 'specialists' but also plan to do my home work and start sending it to production companies and other industry people who may at least critique it for me. Getting an agent is my first goal but seems to be a bit tricky. I'll certainly keep everyone posted if I get anywhere with it.
Thanks for your comments.
C
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