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Longtails
Posted: 06 June 2007
Word Count: 67
Summary: Another response to the 'Step outside' exercise in Poetry Seminar.
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Monstrosity of needles and cones
left to run violent amid the pristine
correct laid plans
next
door.
Mowed is but a tendency to
keep behind closed doors
what scares the well-intentioned
agents giving
estimates.
Beneath the close-cut
blades lie tracks made smooth
by tiny feet; feet made tiny by
the world’s disdain
of fur-grey softness;
vermin soft to some yet
suicidal
certain death
to those
who
know
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 19:56 on 06 June 2007
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| My next big challenge is to get rid of the form and patterns |
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is what I said in response to my last effort for this exercise........... Here it is!
Joan
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 Laura Hunt at 09:26 on 07 June 2007
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Joanie - I am so full of admiration for this.
Since the exercise was first posted I have been trying to work out what my boundaries are while you seem to have completely and effectively transcended yours!
Reading it last night I was standing in front of it bemused not knowing how to get in.
Coming to it again I think it's great. Does it matter what I think it's 'about' and if that accords with your intentions?
I read it as a rage against the hypocricy of suburbanism ........ with references to those awful things that have gone on 'next door' - the Wests and all the others.
It's scary.
It's also difficult to pinpoint particular words or phrases - I wonder if this is a consequence of the style, or of my inexperience?
Congratulations!
Laura
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 V`yonne at 10:30 on 07 June 2007
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I particularly liked
Mowed is but a tendency to
keep behind closed doors
what scares the well-intentioned
agents giving
estimates. |
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But overall I think it is a wonderful piece.
Call me old fashioned but forms and patterns are what we humans thrive on. Even rats do!!! I know about cutting things to the bone, don't get me wrong, this is not ignorance...I just like it when a poem still has a bit of something you can recogniose as meat. This one still has meaning so I wouldn't go too far.
PS
What was the challenge? I love a challenge.
Oonah
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 Nell at 17:08 on 07 June 2007
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Joan,
Wow - this exercise really seems to have spoken to you! Will return to comment soon.
Nell.
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joanie at 17:13 on 07 June 2007
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Thank you so much, Laura and Oonah. That is very encouraging!
Oonah, the exercise is in Poetry Seminar, called 'Step outside'. It's all about writing something which is not what you would normally do. I love to write in some kind of form or pattern, so I was trying to do something different.
Have a go at it!
I wrote this after looking out at the garden, as I often do. A lot of it is just observation and thoughts as I wrote. The title is because rats are always referred to as 'longtails' on the Isle of Man - it's unlucky to call them rats. You are quite right, Laura, the underlying thoughts are of that pristine suburbia with all that goes on beneath the surface.
Thanks again for reading and responding.
Joan
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Nell at 21:10 on 07 June 2007
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Hi again Joan,
Very interesting about Manx rats being called 'longtails', ironic too, in view of Manx cats having no tails! I've heard that Romanies have a similar superstition - they call rats 'long-tailed mice', and if anyone slips up and mentions the dreaded 'R' word, they're in deep trouble with the rest of the company.
I love the way you've embraced this exercise - it's almost as if you were just waiting for permission to be wild and reckless - a free spirit breaking out? The poetry is still there though - this is marvellous (although challenging) to speak aloud - 'correct laid plans' and 'close cut blades' are especially satisfying, and I couldn't help smiling at the former with its hint at the 'well-laid plans of mice and men'.
I especially like the imagery and ideas in:
Beneath the close-cut
blades lie tracks made smooth
by tiny feet; feet made tiny by
the world’s disdain
of fur-grey softness;
vermin soft to some... |
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Another great response - must get a move on and finish mine!
Nell.
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SmithBrowne at 15:00 on 08 June 2007
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Hi Joanie -- as said above, this deftly lays bare the chilling notes of hypocrisy and the fears of suburbia (closed doors, agents, estimates, the violence amid the pristine, correctly laid plans and mowed lawns -- all very nice). And I like very much the use of the term 'longtails' for rats, as it shifts the aura of nature, freedom and authenticity onto the animals that are usually shunned as vermin or worthless or intruders in man-made environments. Really nice.
-- Smith
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joanie at 17:39 on 08 June 2007
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Nell and Smith - thank you for reading and your encouraging comments.
Nell, perhaps you're right; do I need to be wild and reckless?? (Thanks for the exercise, by the way!) I look forward to your next one.
Smith, it's good to see you; thanks so much for your response.
Joan
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Nell at 07:48 on 09 June 2007
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Joan,
Maybe everyone needs to be wild and reckless at times - it's very liberating, even if only in a poetic context!
Nell.
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 Elsie at 10:19 on 16 June 2007
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Joanie - I like this. I agree with Nell, wild and reckless is good in poetry. And I seem to remember you encouraging the same from me on that debated endline of a poem I wrote a while back.
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