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My Subway Ride Home from Work at Midnight

by Jordan789 

Posted: 31 July 2007
Word Count: 252


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I.

My Subway Ride Home from Work at Midnight -

After a long work day,
nothing
compares
to a man singing
southern songs,
to the
beat
of his own
clapping
hands,
As I wait for the train.


II.

After a coiling,
nothing like a monday
can constitute
a blind man singing
songs of the faithless
to the topsy-turvey slip scat maroon
beat
of his own
persnickety
hands
as I drip for the train
drip
drop
Mary, come tell me just how many scallops
you want to eat
and mary, come tell me, just how fast you
think this car can go
and mary, come tell me, why on earth the stymie
shakes the trees
when the leaves simply laugh
and swallow.

III.

Beatrice, Beatrice, I do dismay,
come hither now and fetch me my tea.
I was once a maiden, fair, white,
now my skin resembles rotten fruit,
and Beatrice, beatrice, why don't you come?

She was here yesterday, I can see her soft face,
and the day before that, when the elm trees turned grey
and the wind seemed to sweep it all away.
Mary, I don't know a Mary.
But Beatrice, she sure could cook.

IV.

When numbers count to one-hundred,
a dollar bill can be redeemed,
if all the pennies shine like silver moons
coated in candy apple syrup.

Do you remember how delicious candy apples looked?
And the that rock crisp cusp of coating that burned
with sugar and tambourine shake your death with each
chomp, chew, chew.







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Comments by other Members



James Graham at 20:06 on 03 August 2007  Report this post
'Nothing/ compares/ to a man singing/ southern songs' - in the first part of the poem you capture a moment pretty well. All you have to do is report about the singer in the subway, just describe him very simply, and it makes an impact. It's a little bit like your boy burying his shovel, it doesn't need to be embellished to make it poetic. It's poetic raw material.

But I'll post another comment soon. Lot of stuff going on just now, but will get back to you probably in two or three days.

James.

James Graham at 10:52 on 08 August 2007  Report this post
You've put this one away in a drawer, but it might be a poem to revisit and work on at some time in the future. After the first section it begins to read like a sort of transition, starting with some of the words of the blind singer's songs, and moving on to other things - thoughts, fantasies, memories etc called up by the songs. All this fills the vacancy of after-work time waiting in a subway station. The poem tries to be a demonstration of how crap time can unexpectedly become quality time.

Here and there in the poem I couldn't understand your choice of language. 'Drip for the train' loses me, and I've no idea what you mean by 'the stymie/ shakes the trees' - even the online dictionary of American English just gives stymie as 'obstacle, obstruction' or one golfer's ball getting in the way of another golfer's ball. But these are mere details - there's an idea in this poem that makes it worth perhaps leaving for a while and working on again.

James.




Jordan789 at 20:49 on 08 August 2007  Report this post
ah, thanks for reading and commenting, James. This poem was an interesting creation, with a good amount of time, and revision, spent on that first part, and the last parts blasted out without a specific purpose. The start was crafted and labored over. It was specific and purposeful. The rest, was, well, sort of the fuzz off the top of my head. I didn't like how the first part felt formal, felt almost uncreative. So I added to it, grace notes, with odd words replacing the originals, and ideas carried out further. After that, I spat the rest out as if In freestyle, and gave hardly a revision. Which is why some of the words don't fit. Some are just for their sounds, less their meanings. I didn't think it would be received well, and I almost deleted it earlier, because it felt cheap and not worth reading. But part of me likes it.

Thanks again, James.

James Graham at 20:58 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
No, don't tear it up - come back to it sometime. If you can build a poem out of free associations all coming directly, indirectly, or very indirectly from the blind singer's songs - seems like something worth doing.

Eliot wrote, 'April is the cruellest month'. Well, August is the deadest. Things will get back to normal.

James.


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