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The Mother and Daughter`s Walk through the Woods

by Jordan789 

Posted: 09 August 2007
Word Count: 405
Summary: Revision I


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One cold October day, as Heron lay on the couch, chubby, pale legs kicked out straight, her mother entered the room with loud footsteps that resonated through the china cabinet.

"Heron, come now, get your shoes," her mother, Priscilla, said, and stomped her way to the television, pushing four or five buttons simultaneously before finding the right one that set the image black. She always moved around like this, as if preparing herself for an evacuation.

"It's time to go. Get your shoes." Priscilla stormed off as quickly as she arrived. She was beautiful. Short hair, tanned skin, and a strangely athletic shape that Heron envied. She had once been the female tennis champion of the entire northeast, and a large golden trophy stowed away in the basement proved this.

Heron yawned once and waited, watching a cardinal land on the feeder outside the window. Great pine trees climbed to the second story. Beyond, the forest stretched on, murky and somewhat enchanted. Heron didn't believe in goblins or unicorns, yet had they existed, her backyard would make a suitable home.

"Heron," her mother called again, from the kitchen. After two slight thuds, a loud bang and a scuttling of metal on wood, Heron's mother appeared again, this time with Heron's shoes.

"Sit back," she instructed, and began unlacing one shoe.

"What was that noise?" Heron asked.

"Your dog fell down the stairs again," her mother responded. She forced the shoe onto Heron's foot.

"Oh,' Heron said. "He is so clumsy."

Shoes now tight, and constricting her feet, Heron wiggled her toes around, to little relief.

“These shoes are too tight,” Heron complained.

“Well, you can’t wear your knew ones.”

Heron’s Mom waited for her, watching her, afraid that if she didn’t, the little insolent girl would pull off her shoes and turn on the television.

“They will loosen up as we walk,” Priscilla promised.

Heron went into the foyer closet to retrieve her coat. At the foot of the stairs, their white Samoyan Husky slept.

“How far must we walk?”

“Oh, as far as we want.”

“I don’t really want to go at all, then.”

Priscilla stood in the open door with the cold autumn air.

“Fine, then I am going.” She turned and walked off, leaving the door open, and Heron standing in the foyer, her favorite coat half buttoned. After a moment, Heron walked out the door and caught up to her mother.






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Comments by other Members



Prospero at 08:59 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

I am probably being a bit thick, but I couldn't pick out the focus for this story. I can see it is about Heron, but what exactly are you trying to tell us about her?

Best

John

FizzdeBrooke at 10:52 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
I liked this, but perhaps there are too few words to develop the characters and the plot in flash fiction. It'd be great for a longer story. For flash fiction, the plot hasn't developed yet because your building up the characters and the setting. Also, while Heron is quite a rounded character, her mum is quite flat because there isn't time to show what she's like with the few words written.

Jordan789 at 14:38 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
the... focus of a story? The focus of the story is simply the story. There's a girl who's like this and this is what happens. But, i sort of know what you mean, even though a question like that irks me, prosp.

I sort of sat down and scribbled this out, and it did feel like I really could have went on a lot longer with it--probably a sure-fire sign that the piece shouldn't be flash, but something a bit longer. But that feeling rarely comes to me, so I ignored it.

I do see what ya mean that Heron's mum is flat--I've only presented her as a pretentious richy rich. While Heron has that, but she also has her view on the enchanted land. Hmph.
Which broadens the character to some extent at least. While the starting info about Heron's mom picking the name heron because she has this bird thing, well, doesn't really fit. I could add some details to round her out a bit.

Thanks gents.


Jordan789 at 14:39 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
and lady... or neither? not sure about your gender brooks. sorry.

Jordan789 at 15:25 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
I revised it a good deal--please take another look.

Jordan789 at 18:24 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
Glad to see your eyes work again, prosp!

Account Closed at 08:08 on 11 August 2007  Report this post
I thought this was very post-modern, and also surreal. It's certainly haunting, which I loved! I particularly liked Heron - and would want to read more about her, if you felt like developing it.

Also enjoyed the dark humour (but maybe that's just me?)

(Ooh, I think there's a "knew" instead of a "new" in there in respect of those shoes ...)

:))

A
xxx

Prospero at 08:13 on 11 August 2007  Report this post
Thanks Jordan.

What I meant about the focus of the story is what the story overall is intended to say to the reader. Is it a comment about the relationship? Is it about intolerance? Is about discovering something? I can see several developing themes, but none of them seems to be complete. Please understand this is only my opinion. Others may well see exactly what you intend.

I feel I would be doing you a disservice, Jordan, if I wasn't honest about how I felt. There is great imagery and imagination in the story, it is just that I cannot decide what you are trying to tell us. It makes me feel like the kid at the candy shop window. I can see the goodies, but I cannot enjoy them.

I hope this helps.

John


FizzdeBrooke at 13:50 on 11 August 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

Gender - male. Fizz is the name of one of my characters in a children's story!

Best

Fizz

Jordan789 at 15:45 on 11 August 2007  Report this post
Thanks for readign and comments. I appreciate it much, i do.

Holly, i don't really know what you mean by post-modern and surreal, but i'll look into it.

Prosp: I understand what you mean. Theme is never something I grasped too well. Instead of starting with a message, I generally shoot from the hip. Write a line, write another line, and revise a bunch until things start to come clean. I do know what you mean though. W/ out a theme, readers are left with a "What's the point?" sort of feeling. I'm not so sure how I feel about themes though, but they might be damned essential to a piece of story. I guess my understanding of "theme" is fairly limited.

Themes I could develop further though: mother/daughter relationship, had been tennis pro turned house-wife, lifestyles of the rich and snobby(although I turned away from this compared to the last reading.)

Anyway, thanks again for reading, and any further comments would be greatly appreciated.

Truly,

Jordan

Jordan789 at 15:49 on 11 August 2007  Report this post
In my next version, I will be taking one of the above themes and, for scientific research alone, attempt to shove it down the reader's throats. I am interested to see what results.

Jordan789 at 15:57 on 11 August 2007  Report this post
Well, on another reading, I see several areas where I can fill in dead spots. I shall give it a go.


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