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Fizz de Brooke in the Kingdom of Asher - Chapter 3

by FizzdeBrooke 

Posted: 16 August 2007
Word Count: 960
Summary: A contemporary Jekyll and Hyde meets Jumanji story. Thomas Bunch, searching for the ultimate game, becomes trapped in a creature. He must win a real-life game to escape. The game world is set in medieval time. While Tom inhabits Fizz’s body, he experiences Fizz’s traits such as eating raw fish poached from the river Asher. This gets him into all sorts of trouble. What’s worse than that? Well, Tom hates fish for a start. For 7-9s.
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Chapter Three

“That’s not a game,” I said, nearly spitting at him. A cube the size of his hand with coloured squares on each side sat on his palm. The top side of the cube had pale blue squares on it. A square in the middle of the blue side was flashing on and off.

“It is game, a-”

“It won’t fit in my console, it doesn’t even have any graphics,” I blurted out, shrugging and showing my palms. It looked like something my Dad would play, totally not cool.

He blinked again with only one eye, the other stayed open all the time. Urgh! I shivered. My feet felt like they’d been pricked with needles.

“You want challenge, Tom?” he said, with both his eyebrows raised.

“Well, yeah, I like a challenge,” I said, looking down, scuffing my trainers back and forth across the tiles. I think they were mosaic – lots of small squares, all different colours. It was then that I noticed his shoes, and felt my eyebrows sink down to my nose. He had huge red slippers with gold glitter that made his feet look like a clown’s. I had to work really hard not to burst out laughing – weird.

“Once game starts, it not stop unless win,” he said, peering over his thick glasses.

I looked up at him, straining to stop myself from laughing. I felt a snigger bubble up in my throat. My eyes widened as I strained against the laughter building up.

“You understand, Tom?”

I gave a tight smile and nodded, daring not to open my mouth in case laughter burst out.

“You press flashing button, Tom, when ready.”

I stared at the cube, thinking, how stupid? Nothing’s going to happen. It’s just one of those boring puzzles.

I shrugged one shoulder and pressed the button to make him feel better. I mean, he was probably a complete loony anyway.
Nothing happened at first, which was what I expected.

Viktor looked into the cube, “Ah, game has chosen you … Good. Fizz de Brooke in Kingdom of Asher. Enjoy.”

What? Mad raving loony alert! It couldn’t be a real game. It was just a stupid puzzle.

But then the room began to go mustard yellow. Then suction cups popped out of my fingers one by one. What was happening to me?

My skin on my hand changed colour, pale blue, and then it spread all over me. More suction cups pushed their way out of my trainers. Mum’s going to kill me.
Help! I tried to say, but no sound came out. I trembled.

“No be afraid, Tom, game fun, game challenge,” he said, throwing me a big golden cup. One gnarled hand caught the cup with suction cups sticking to it like glue. It was my hand, but it didn’t look like my hand, weird.

“You put trophy…” he said, pointing to the golden cup, “on game table in red castle to win.”

I tried to say something but my lips wouldn’t move. What had I done?

“You talk to Fizz and learn more, Tom. Enjoy!”

He disappeared. Oh my god. It was a nightmare that’d came true. I fell to my knees (or at least I thought I had).
NO! Why me?

I cried, but no tears fell.

I heard sounds of birds chirping, trees rustling and water running. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be in my room, playing a game – even one I’d played a million times.

I hated Viktor – freak, weirdo. I wanted to punch and kick his head off.

Oh, help! Somebody help me! I’m stuck inside a weird creature in a strange world, and I can’t get out.

I shouted inside myself but it didn’t help, no one came. I was alone and scared out of my wits.

I needed to think, work out what to do next. If I could beat every game I owned, I could beat this too. What was it that Viktor said? Something about getting a trophy to a red castle and talking to myself, I think.

How would I talk to myself? I mean, have you ever … well … tried talking to yourself? You know what you’re going to say before you say it, don’t you? You can’t expect to get an answer that you didn’t already know, can you? That’s silly, stupid.

Why couldn’t I move? I could see things in front of me. If I concentrated, I could even see a little bit to the side. But I couldn’t move at all, not one bit. And no matter what I did or how hard I tried, nothing changed.

Tall trees surrounded me and insects buzzed in front of my eyes. I wanted to brush at them so much. I saw a robin and felt it perch on my head. Then I watched bird-droppings fall past my eyes, disgusting.

Let, me, out!

It was no use. I couldn’t get out and I couldn’t move. It was like one of those adventure games Dad used to play on his old computer. Where he had to type commands in and the computer game would do what he told it to – sometimes.

Viktor said his name was Fizz. He said to talk to him. So, maybe, that’s what I needed to do.

But what would I say?

Urmm, Fizz, take trophy to red castle. Nothing happened.
Fizz, go to red castle. Still nothing happened. Hmm, too simple, Viktor said it was a challenge. So, maybe something more basic, like Fizz needs to be woken up first. It couldn’t be that simple. That was so easy. It couldn't be, could it?

Fizz, wake up!

-- Ends --

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Comments by other Members

Sally_Nicholls at 21:12 on 23 August 2007  Report this post
I thought this was good fun and a good idea for a story. The language etc is about right for the age group and there's a real immediacy to your writing, which works really well.

A few points - I think you over-egg the 'yeah right, nothing's going to happen is it?'ness. I think it's important to recognise that Tom is a skeptical computer geek but you say it over and over, which wastes words. Kids aren't stupid and will get that he doesn't expect anything to happen pretty quickly.

I wouldn't have him crying. Make him look weak.

I was also a bit confused as to why Tom thought he had to talk to himself. Victor says 'Talk to Fizz'. If I were Tom I wouldn't immediately assume that Fizz was myself. And make it a bit clearer that he tries to move his arms but nothing happens.

Good fun though. Look forward to reading more ...

FizzdeBrooke at 09:02 on 24 August 2007  Report this post
Thanks for your comments. I will think about them, but I think I'll wait and see what others say before I edit the piece.

Thanks again.

NMott at 15:19 on 26 August 2007  Report this post
I think Sally has made some good points.

There were a lot of Tom's thoughts and feelings, etc, packed between the dialogue with the old man. Dialogue is supposed to be snappy, but these extra bits slowed it down to the point where it was difficult to concentrate on what was being said.

Another WW member wrote something along these lines a while back, which I keep pinned above my laptop:
"Avoiding Tell to the point of having your characters constantly making facial or body movements like some hyperactive puppet".

One very minor note:
My skin on my hand changed colour
- change to: The skin...

- NaomiM


NB. Love the sucker thing and the description of him being sucked into the game. :)

Issy at 19:07 on 27 August 2007  Report this post
This chapter certainly doesn't disappoint after the strong initial set up in the previous. Delighted MC is being given a different sort of challenge.

Only thing I wasn't sure of was whether he was the creature or was in the creature - or there was some other sort of combination.

Liked it a lot, and am waiting for the next now!

FizzdeBrooke at 21:40 on 27 August 2007  Report this post
Thanks. Yes, I think there is a definite problem around Tom's identity crisis! I think I'll cut Tom talking to himself. Instead, I'll have him talking to Fizz and make it clear, somehow, that Tom is inside Fizz, that he needs to talk to him - and give him commands to make him work. Thanks everyone for your feedback.

Bandy Bundy at 23:43 on 10 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Fizz,

This has a lot going for it. Jumanji with a twist.

There were a few bits which I thought were more adult than the suggested age range ie.

scuffing my trainers back and forth across the tiles. I think they were mosaic –

Would a kid of 7 really think this. Part of the problem (if there is one), could be the use of first person. It is very easy to slip into an older (adult POV and notice/point out things that a child just would not see or understand.

Have you thought of trying this in third person limited?

Apart from a good edit there is the basis of an intriguing story here. The undercurrent of humor works (although again, I thought the voice was a touch older than the MC).

Such as :-
“It won’t fit in my console, it doesn’t even have any graphics,” I blurted out, shrugging and showing my palms. It looked like something my Dad would play, totally not cool.

Really interested to see some more as the excitement is building nicely.


FizzdeBrooke at 10:19 on 11 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks for your thoughts. I will put up chapter 4,5 and 6 in the next couple of days.

Colin-M at 12:59 on 13 September 2007  Report this post
Hello. I haven't read the other chapters, but I was pulled in by this. Reminds me of Tron too, and I still have a love of those old text adventures - especially Scott Adams - so for me, this just ended too soon. A guaranteed way of getting me to read on.

Although the pace is quite high, I think it could be expanded a little. You could certainly up the tension by grabbing the narrator's curiousity and letting him examine the cube a little more.

Kev has said a few things that struck me, especially the adult voice that creeps in. I also thought the opening sentence was a little clunky and had to reread it. You could trim that right down, and be less specific about what particular square was flashing, and also lose one of the size descriptions, because if it sits on his palm, and it's a cube...


A cube covered with coloured squares sat on his palm. One of the squares, right on the top, was flashing on and off.

It gets the scene in our head in a much shorter time, and avoids any confusion that specific details sometimes cause.

Colin M

FizzdeBrooke at 16:03 on 13 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks. I will think about that.

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