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Paging Mr. Johnson

by Jordan789 

Posted: 04 September 2007
Word Count: 485
Summary: For this week's challenge.


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“So, Mr. Johnson,” Randy Bronson smiles, flashing white teeth and spectacled, squinted eyes. “How are you, today?”
Mr. Johnson, Don, to his friends, is bound to a steel chair, and the leather cuffs cause his ankles to sweat. He hates the questions. Always the same, and the all-convinced smug look on the professional asshole as they wait for his answers.

The Zion-Alpha: Human in appearance; however, all specimens are slightly taller, never over-weight, and completely symmetrical, compared to traditional humans; produced via an alteration of the 5th and 47th guanine molecule of the fetal DNA, either through microwave transmission or nano-implant; an as of yet undiscovered tag is surely in place, probably somewhere slightly below the dermis, but the cranial cavity is also a possibility—or genetic coding.
Don Johnson – “Unnatural Selection” 8/08

Randy has a copy of Mr. Johnson’s file as well as five thesis-length dribbles that were composed by the patient on waterlogged spiral notebook paper. Also included are the tape records of all sessions, all ordered and dated.

“No, I have no proof,” Mr. Johnson readily admits.

“Then why believe in such an absurdity?” Randy asks.

Mr. Johnson cannot answer. He watches the clock. Five minutes down, twenty-five to go.

Randy crosses his legs as he waits for an answer. He leans back, looks at the clock.

“Do you think a hunch is reason to kidnap and torture—looking for some tag?” He never breaks his monotone; his voice is like the steps of a zombie army closing towards civilization. “Does a hunch give you license to harm another man? How does rape fit in to your delusions of an engineered master race? --Your theories."
Mr. Johnson begins to weep. “I don’t know.” He thinks about the blond woman with the perfect calves. His chest restraints seem to tighten. His eyesight darkens at the edges, focusing his entire vision on the sterile clock, white with black notches and a red second hand ticking, frozen at forty-three seconds, forty-four, forty-five. He gasps.
“Mr. Johnson,” Randy says. As he takes one step and reduces the distance between them, Mr. Johnson begins to convulse. His arms pull upwards against the leather fastens. His eyes clamp shut, cheeks suck inward, as if trying to suck his face down into his stomach.
The clinician retreats to the phone, and two minutes later medical aid arrives, as well as two armed guards. The guards enter first and position themselves against the rear wall, as sentries posted on either side of the doctor’s desk with one hand gripping their Glock .9mms still holstered in their belts.
Randy can no longer offer assistance, and returns to his desk and switches off the tape recorder. He removes his cell phone from his pants’ pocket, where a message waits from his wife. “I need you to pick-up Charlene from school today.”
Mr. Johnson recovers from his fit, however he cannot resume treatments today.









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Comments by other Members



tiger_bright at 18:09 on 04 September 2007  Report this post
Now, Jordan, did you mean to name your hero after the actor from Miami Vice, or was that just a happy coincidence? I loved the text message for Randy at the end - I'd almost be tempted to end with that line, because of its incongruity and the power it had to bring the reader up short.

I must confess that I got a bit lost in the intricacies of the paragraph that began "The Zion-Alpha", but that's probably just the sci-fi-amateur in me. I'd have liked more details of what Don did, what he suspected, and the consequences. Randy was terrifying, never more so than when he received that text - I got a real shudder then. Great stuff.

Tiger

V`yonne at 22:02 on 04 September 2007  Report this post
Wonderful sci-fi bits. I love that clip-board kinda stuff and the torturer being tortured in turn and crying - and the fit. It begs the question does Johnson actually believes himself to be a scientist - or was he actually a scientist. I like the ambiguity here. And what gives them the right to torture him like this also? It feeds so well into the Foucault ideas in the prompt.
The phone is so chilling a recall to normality after the zombie/ clinician.

I need a cup of tea!!!!

Jumbo at 23:12 on 04 September 2007  Report this post
Jordan

Terrifying stuff! Not that I understand it all - but enough to make me squirm in a couple of places.

This has the feel of being a section of a much larger piece. Maybe then we would find out more about the Zion-Alpha's, Don's crime - and that lady with the perfect calves. And whether or not it really was rape.

I did just wonder about the year this is set in - and whether Glock 9mms would be the choice of weapon for Zion-Alpha 'heavies'?

Like tiger, I'm not sure about that last line. It does seem a touch lost after the message about Charlene. Just my opinion, of course.

Thanks for the read

Regards

john




Jordan789 at 01:56 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
I have condensed a couple paragraphs, to hopefully help with the speaker. I worried about how the reader would understand the piece, but I think there's enough in there for a close read to uncover. Maybe.

Thanks all for reading.

Part of the confusion is in the zion-alpha paragraph. Note that the writewords text doesn't allow me to indent the full paragraph, or shrink it in size, as that part is supposed to be part of one of Mr. Johnson's thesis. I suppose I could put quotes around it.

Jordan789 at 05:11 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
I have a question for everyone, which will help me understand a fix to a problem: How many characters are in my story?

I am just wondering whether readers see the doctor/clinician/Randy as being distinct people.

V`yonne at 09:19 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
I haven't read the revision yet but I thought Randy was the clinician so two characters. Is that correct?

Haadi at 09:25 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
ooo, grim...everyone's flash I've read so far has a real sinister twist!

The clinician and Randy I took to be the same person, to answer your question.

I find this kind of fiction quite difficult personally so don't feel I can comment too much, but top marks for response to the prompt!

I agree that ending with the text message would work - wonderful bathos.

tiger_bright at 09:36 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Hi again, Jordan. I read the clinician as separate to Randy, if that helps. Incidentally, one of my favourite lines was this:

His eyes clamp shut, cheeks suck inward, as if trying to suck his face down into his stomach.

but maybe you could tweak it to avoid the repetition of "suck"? Maybe "cheeks turn inward"? I love the idea contained in the second part of the sentence - marvellous.

Tiger

tractor at 11:38 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Jordan,

Liked this.

I read it as a terrifying look at the extremes to which the power of the mind will drive a man and the power society is willing to wield to protect itself.

Cheers

Mark

Forbes at 11:45 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Grim stuff indeed! Echoes of 1984.

on the professional asshole as they wait for his answers
why the use of they here? There is one asshole only. Reason I pick this is you asked about head count in the piece. Had you intended more than the 2 charaters I thought were present?

The irony of torturing a torturer comes thru - or was the convulsion mere serendipity?

The science stuff came over well, but a little confused in set out - as you said there shoud have been an indent?

TFR

Forbes

titania177 at 17:53 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan,
chilling stuff! I really liked this, although didn't understand fully. I thought that the Zion-Alpha was talking about Randy, not about Don Johnson (I like the Miami Vice reference... nice!). But perhaps that is because of the layout constraints. I agree about the last line, great text from the wife, because the current last line seems to open things up again, as if more is to come.

If this is part of something longer, I'd love to read more.

Tania

Jordan789 at 21:30 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks everyone for the comments and reading! I will give this some revision later and see what I can do.

crowspark at 22:43 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Great opening. It hooked me.
That second paragraph, correctly formatted is really effective. Makes me trust the author.
five thesis-length dribbles

This confused me. I read it as meaning five dribble-length thesis.
Loved
his voice is like the steps of a zombie army closing towards civilization

Powerful writing. This felt like part of a larger story. Perhaps we are going to see related flashes on the same theme? I hope so.

Thanks for the read.
Bill

choille at 21:17 on 08 September 2007  Report this post
Gripping stuff. I found the technical stuff heavy going for me.

I liked the last paragraph and also feel that the last sentence if omited would add more power to the ending.

his voice is like the steps of a zombie army closing towards civilization
.I felt that 'closing towards' a little halting - maybe closing in on civilisation. But that's probably just me.

This feels like part of a bigger piece & would make a great longer piece with more back story added.

All the best

Caroline.


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