An Angel - I Believe by Beth - WriteWords.org.uk

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An Angel - I Believe

by Beth

Posted: 13 September 2007
Word Count: 129

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Fishes swimming in the sea wag their tails and scurry past
Now the water it does ripple then a splash
A dolphin jumps

I look from the shore I watch with glee
What a sight that was to see
Now it has gone the moment is lost
Well maybe not?

I now look out across the sea it glissens in the sun
A path of light reflects to me
A rainbow bright across the sea
I look up to the sky a beautiful blue
I look and see the clouds as they scurry past
I rub of my eyes for what did I just see
A magician on a carpet of white
He waved to me now he has gone!
What did I just see?
An Angel I believe

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Account Closed at 13:20 on 21 September 2007 Report this post

This has a magical, child-like feel which is great, but I think it needs a bit of tidying up. I've played around with it a bit and come up with this:

Fishes swimming in the sea
ripple the water,
then a splash:
a dolphin jumps.

I look from the shore.
What a sight that was to see

but now it has gone,
the moment lost.

The sea glistens in the sun;
a path of light reflects to me
a rainbow bright across the sea.

I look up to the sky a beautiful blue,
I see the clouds as they float past
I rub my eyes, for what did I just see?

A magician on a carpet of white -
he waved to me
but now he has gone.

What did I just see?
An angel I believe

Just a thought anyway, but I do think the tighter it goes the more the magic elements will come out. It's very visual too!

A
xxx

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foundit at 12:05 on 03 March 2008 Report this post

Sorry about the late comment.

It's nice to be transported to a magical delight.

The content is good but I agree with Holly it does need tightening.
Not a lot wrong with it though, put it away for a while then look again with fresh eyes.

Joe.

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