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Untitled
Posted: 15 September 2007
Word Count: 23
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With feline delicacy
she grooms his eyelashes;
wiping away tears
with the tip of the tongue,
she reshapes his lips, into a smile.
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 21:37 on 15 September 2007
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Hi DC, this is so sensual. I love the feline reference in the opening line, which sets the scene beautifully, I think.
I do find, however, that I'm struggling with the punctuation in the last two lines; it made me falter as I read. I would prefer With feline delicacy
she grooms his eyelashes;
wiping away tears
with the tip of the tongue,
she reshapes his lips into a smile. |
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Just a thought!
joanie
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 Dreamchameleon at 21:53 on 15 September 2007
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Hi Joanie, I need help here, I am struggling with this one too. The idea is that "with the tip of the tongue" links the previous line "wiping away tears" AND the last, "reshaping the lips": with the tip of the tongue. That is my idea, not sure how to convey it, though. Any ideas how to use the punctuation to depict just that?
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joanie at 14:39 on 16 September 2007
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Hi again. I felt that the way I suggested does just that - links the three lines. See what others think!
joanie
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Account Closed at 13:25 on 21 September 2007
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Love it - very sensual. I'd go a little further and have:
With feline delicacy
she grooms his eyelashes;
wiping away tears
with the tip of her tongue,
she reshapes his lips
into a smile.
I think having the space between stanzas allows the reader room to process the single image in each couplet and also gives them time to breathe. I also think it needs a title just to give it a home, but I'm not sure what your title is. Maybe just "Feline" or similar? - something strong and sexual anyway!
:))
A
xxx
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