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Going Home

by Jordan789 

Posted: 18 September 2007
Word Count: 343
Summary: For this week's challenge. Revised!


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The room felt vacuous and transparent. The men discussed football with great enthusiasm, as if it had been them catching the interception, running the punt return; breathless after the game, with droplets of sweat beading down their gladiator brow. At best, they were high school athletes, and now weekend warriors, spending their Mondays selling vodka in liquor stores or installing air conditioning. Some even went to bed each night in the same rooms they slept in as boys, their little league trophies still adorning their shelves.

After three beers and what felt like hours listening to the others’ mindless chatter, Bill wished for a thorn to prick against his finger--for something to offer an entertaining distraction. He wasn’t particularly masochistic, but strange urges sometimes compelled him to strange acts. The drink had stripped away something of his, a part, like his arm--whose existence he had never questioned.

When he had arrived, he was welcomed into their new apartment, given a firm handshake by all, and even a tour.

“Damn, look at that television,” he had said, seriously impressed with the sixty inches of high-definition. “Are those the lazy-boys with the refrigerators built in?”

They all sat around the IKEA kitchen table, long enough to fit all eight men without any crowding. When the conversation died down, and the beers ran dry, Mike, who rented the back room, flicked his empty beer can which rattled around on the faux-pine table before settling.

“Who wants to go downtown?” He said, and stood up from his seat.

The men all raised their beers, and drank up.

Bill would have liked to say the night ended with a romp of the village bars, with shot glasses raised and maybe a blond’s panties down around her ankles in the bathroom.

“I’ll meet you guys down there,” he had said.

Before he left, he took one last glance at the punching bag hanging by the door, the mini-motorcycle propped against the stove, and the beer cans left everywhere like children’s soldiers, and then he went home to his wife.






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Comments by other Members



Prospero at 07:37 on 19 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

This is a well wriiten story that explores male relationships and the place of inevitable outsider. Would I be correct in identifying your MC as gay or with gay tendencies. The pondering the choice of broom or Dust Bunny vac certainly points that way. It would also explain his inability to appreciate football, and Charlie's brush off.

Thanks for the read.

Best

John

Jumbo at 09:03 on 19 September 2007  Report this post
Jordan

Sorry, but I strugggled with this a little.

I didn't understand your opening phrase and it took me some time to establish who Bill was in relation to Charlie - and those other invisible characters - although Charlie's disdain for Bill comes over very clearly in the dialogue.

I have to ask - what are 'roid freaks?

Regards

john



choille at 10:42 on 19 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

I think Bill has over done the absinthe & is feeling very apart from the fans & isolated.

I think it is very well written with the liquid seeming to hang in the air for a bit, but inevitably splashing down as his mood seems to have done.

I don't know what 'roid freaks' are - so found that halting.

The ending left me confused somewhat. If he uses an electrical appliance - he'll be electrocuted - I think. Maybe that's part of his scientific experiment also.

It has an odd, surreal read - like the affect of absinthe - that works very successfully for me.

All the best
Caroline.

Forbes at 16:35 on 19 September 2007  Report this post
Jordan

I'll have to remember that trick with the opening line! Not sure what is going on. I did struggle to make sense - but was that your point?

Cheers

Forbes

Oh was MC on drugs? could explain a lot.

Elbowsnitch at 17:29 on 19 September 2007  Report this post
Jordan, you convey Bill's sense of isolation and being invisible/unheard so well. I like him grabbing Charlie's shoulder and then knocking the glass to the floor - a tactic that works pretty well, bringing him suddenly into focus, at least so far as Charlie is concerned. Some lovely phrases, e.g.

imagining himself a spectral onlooker who would need to grow accustomed to existence in the shade of things.


and
“Well, gravity works,” Bill said.


I think it's the Dust Bunny vacuum cleaner that gives the gay impression!

Frances



Jordan789 at 23:26 on 19 September 2007  Report this post
Hey all,

Prosp: I hadn't thought of him as gay, or with "gay tendancies" but he certainly fits your definition and he definatly could be.

Jumbo: Thanks for calling my attention back to the opening. After writing this, I felt I forgot to include the key words, so I arbitrarily tossed them in there. I guess it doesn't make much sense in context. And 'roid is slang for steroids.

Caroline: Thank you for the positive feedback. I'm glad it worked for you. As far as the vacuum.. I don't think a small amount of liquid would cause any decent vacuum to malfunction or electrocute anyone. Nevertheless it would be the worse of the choices. I guess I meant to convey him as being sort of out there and spacey, and in an attempt at humor, showing him deliberating such a stupid and obvious choice. It might be too much though.

Forbes: I suppose the point was to convey a weird disjointedness. He was drinking some absinthe, which has an odd way of making the drinker feel a bit off. I've not gotten blonked on the stuff though so I don't know for truth.

Frances: Thanks for the postive comments, and I think you're right about the gayness-side to him. I met to just add another detail, but those small details can change so much!

Thanks all for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

-Jordan

Prospero at 19:23 on 20 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

I have just read through the revised, re-written version and I liked this too.

The drink had stripped away something of his, a part, like his arm--that’s existence he had never questioned.


I think this line went a little astray, should it read:

The drink had stripped away something of him, a part, like his arm - whose existence he had never questioned.

Regarding the gayness. It was Bill's sense of isolation from the macho posturing and also that he took time choosing between the broom and the vacuum. Most guys would just grab the broom, it is less bother, and not give a thought to which would do a better job of cleaning up.

But, nothing wrong with those details, they worked really well for me and gave Bill a real dimensionality.

Best

Prosp

Jordan789 at 19:33 on 20 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks prosp. As for the change, I figured "who" should generally be left for people, so it wouldn't quite fit an arm or an abstract feeling, but i agree that "that's" just sounded awkward. I made the change.

choille at 23:50 on 20 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

- It seems to have lost something - a surrealness that gave it a unusual air. Now it seems to contain a list of consumer goods.

Bill would have liked to say the night ended with a romp of the village bars, with shot glasses raised and maybe a blond’s panties down around her ankles in the bathroom.
Well why did he go home to his wife?

Blonde without the 'e' is an American spelling & as you have football rather than soccer I think it's British?

I'm really sorry Jordan, but I thought the original was much, much better.

All the best
Don't be cross at me.
Caroline.

Jordan789 at 01:52 on 21 September 2007  Report this post
Don't apologize, Caroline. I really am happy that you enjoyed the original version. It's a message to me I guess to trust my instincts more. I think I agree with you. This one seems a lot less unique or something.

Oh, Football in America is a completely different game. =P You probably call it American Football. Soccer would be soccer, and football would be american football... for a brief lexicon.

I see what you mean about it being a list of consumer goods, and in a way it is, but I wonder if that list, in the context and the small actions, had any meaning or effect? It might be an example of too much effort on the author's part, which ends up in a bland obviousness.

Thanks a bunch, I appreciate you taking the time to reread for me!

Jordan


crowspark at 12:56 on 21 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan. Great writing.
I was a little phased on the first read but once I realised an American context it made perfect sense and I enjoyed it a lot.
Two things would have improved it for me. Putting Bill into the opening paragraph rather than just his perception,
The room felt vacuous and transparent.

The fact that Bill was married makes a good ending but I would like to have seen some contrast between his life-stle and that of the men to trail your ending.
Bill would have liked to say the night ended with a romp of the village bars, with shot glasses raised and maybe a blond’s panties down around her ankles in the bathroom.

This seemed to run contrary to your ending or am I missing something?
Thanks for the read.
Bill


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