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Yes, it Has Been

by Jordan789 

Posted: 06 October 2007
Word Count: 514
Summary: For Jumbo's challenge about the second hand store


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The cover was torn at the edges, yet the spine looked bright and new. Anna handed it to me with eagerness.
“Buy this for me?” She said. Eyes like muddy puddles and hair like silk strand streamers. It was $1.25, a copy of Moby Dick, probably published sometime in the sixties.
I let her walk around with the book, carrying it like she’d be a librarian someday, and I’d remember this day so I could tell it to her, and to her children. “I remember this day, when your mother… ” No, that wouldn’t make much of a story.
She marched in front of me, lifting her knees as she went like she saw the hyenas doing in the Lion King. A Nazi march, but it looked cute with the book hugged to her chest.
And then out of no where was Grace. “Susan!” “Grace!” The last time we had seen each other, we were smoking pot on the tail of her dad’s pick-up. She had been thin, muscular, on the soccer team. And now she looked like her mother.
“You have been busy,” I said, commenting on the children. They clung to her like baby monkeys, filled the shopping cart, and two were big enough to run around the store. They swarmed around her like she was their nest, freckled and squirming.
“Twins—-we had three sets of them.” She said all of their names, most of them began with D’s. David, Daniel, Donny, then Dalihla, Frances and Jake.
“Jesus—“
“Had a lot to do with it.”
“I know. I mean, wow. The probability--” I stammered. I don’t know when she went and found Jesus. I remember the wooden cross that was in their living room, above the fish tank that her brother kept but it was like a dated decoration.
Now she seemed genuinely excited. I watched her face for some slip, some sign that things were not alright but it never came. She was beaming. “And who is this angel?” She said.
“This is Anna. She’s three and plans to be a librarian,” I said.
“How perfect!" And without pause, she asks, "You're married then?”
“Oh," I looked down at Anna. "Of course.” I tried to smile but I didn't convince her.
She checked my ring finger and her friendly demeanor changed to a fighter pilot's intensity.“Oh?”
“Well, we’re not exactly married, but we’ve been together for six years,” I said. “It’s just… easier to tell people we’re married.” And that she’s a he, I left out.
“Oh. It sure changes things,” Grace said and lurched around to locate two of her pack and detach herself from the conversation.
Anna decided it was her time for her to get some attention; she tugged at my shirt, looked up at me and said, "Do you think Mommy will like my book?"
"Yes, I think she will." I said.
And then there was that look. That half-understood, quizzical gaze when maybe Grace remembered that drunken high-school night a long time ago, and then it was gone.
"Well, it has been nice..."
"Yes, it has."






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Comments by other Members



crowspark at 21:23 on 06 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

Great title which links well with your final sentence of course.
I enjoyed this. Believable with a great twist.
The only problem I had was that I wasn't certain of the sex of your mc so kept having to re-read it to check. Of course the clues are there but I think you need to squash any doubts from the outset. Maybe give him a beard just like captain Ahab.

Should publish. Maybe try The Write Side Up.
Thanks for the read.
Bill

Jumbo at 00:07 on 07 October 2007  Report this post
Jordan

Great dialogue between these two adults - with your poor MC measuring every word - deciding what to tell -and what to leave out.

Nice description of Anna marching around with the book - and I liked the literary references - Moby Dick and the Lion King - and then the Nazi comparison that brings us back to earth.

Some confusion for me over the MC and that comment 'And that she's a man, I left out.'

Something about Grace makes me want to dislike her - and I hardly know her, so that's probably unfair - bt I think it demonstrates the power of your writing.

Thanks for the read

john


V`yonne at 00:36 on 07 October 2007  Report this post
I thought Grace had like gotten religion after being an okay pot smoking type person and was now being totally judgemental - you had to be married - no same sex etc. Is that right? Or maybe it's just my Ulster background kicking in...

I loved little Anna only one in twelve years...definitely not fulfilling the master's will there eh?

She had been thin, muscular, on the soccer team. And now she looked like her mother.
LIVING IT.

Prospero at 06:49 on 07 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

I found this powerful, realistic and engaging. I especially liked your Born Again with her 'fighter pilot intensity'. Those are seriously scary people.

Thanks for a great read.

Best

John

tiger_bright at 09:09 on 07 October 2007  Report this post
Great flash, Jordan, you've hit your stride with this one, I think. Perfect twist at the end and the muddle of children created a real sense of the way in which Grace's life appears overwhelming to the narrator. I'm with Bill - give him a beard so that the twist has even more impact when it comes. Great title, by the way, very different.

Tiger

tractor at 09:49 on 07 October 2007  Report this post
Jordan,

enjoyed this collision with the MC's past and ancient values, appropriately in a second hand store.

My take on the MC is that it is a she and not a he :
“It’s just… easier to tell people we’re married.” And that she’s a man.
so all this business with attaching a beard seems inappropriate.

I think being able to relate drama in everyday places has a more sublime impact than against some exotic background. Well done.

Cheers

Mark


choille at 15:30 on 07 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

Lovely writing & all the descriptions - the twins roaming around - the mother like a nest.

The Nazi walk - the Lion King.

I think the dialogue works really well & the characters are believable. It's good to get the back story too - the religious mother coming from a pot smoking background, but the signs were there - the wooden cross in the livingroom behind the fish tank.

I presumed at first the MC was a woman - so I got a little confused, but apart from that I think this is really good writing - crammed with images & details. The relationship between the MC & the mother is neatly done showing how they change over time.

Really enjoyed this snapshot.

All the best
Caroline.

Jordan789 at 16:21 on 07 October 2007  Report this post
Thanks all for reading and commenting. I am curious as to what about this piece makes the main character seem like a man? I was shocked, well, not completely--strange things have happened--by the idea of adding a beard to "Susan." Although that might be a trip up by not having the two people's dialogues on different lines.
"Grace!" I said.
"Susan!" She said... etc.

Well, Susan being a man doesn't hurt too badly I suppose.

Thanks again,

Jordan

crowspark at 19:13 on 07 October 2007  Report this post
Sorry Jordan, it was this that confused me,
And that she’s a man.

I don't understand what this bit means.
Apologies.
Bill


Jumbo at 00:01 on 08 October 2007  Report this post
Jordan

Dare I say that I fear you have caused the confusion yourself with that 'And that she's a man' line.

Who is the 'she' that Susan is referring to here?

And why on earth would Susan think it necessary to add this? Why wouldn't her partner, with whom (the reader supposes)she has Anna, be a man?

Nowhere have you given the reader any reason to suppose that Susan is part of anything other than a male-female realtionship. Well, not until you drop that line in.

Was it sarcasm? Or irony, maybe? If so, I'm sorry, but it was lost on me.

Maybe it was a typo and should have been 'And that he's a man' ? The sarcasm in that would make more sense - in my opinion, and for what it's worth.

Regards

john





tiger_bright at 11:14 on 08 October 2007  Report this post
I'm with Jumbo, Jordan. This is a whole 'nother story if the narrator is not a man, and not such a good story either!

Tiger

Jordan789 at 18:40 on 08 October 2007  Report this post
Well, I am not sure if it's too much to ask, as I know that these things take time and consideration, but could you care to elaborate, tiger?

John says:
Nowhere have you given the reader any reason to suppose that Susan is part of anything other than a male-female realtionship. Well, not until you drop that line in.


That was sort of what I was going for, to go against your expectations.

Bill and everyone,

Could you please take another look at this revision? I know it's time-consuming, but I would very much appreciate your inputs.

Thanks guys,

Jordan

<Added>

Of course, I could always just make him a man.

Jumbo at 08:48 on 09 October 2007  Report this post
Okay, so the two main changes seem to be

And that she’s a he, I left out.

...and...

Anna decided it was her time for her to get some attention; she tugged at my shirt, looked up at me and said, "Do you think Mommy will like my book?"


So Susan is not Anna's Mommy. But Susan's partner is, as we suspected male, although for some reason that we don't know about - that you haven't yet told us, that we are supposed to guess - Susan believes that Grace thinks that her partner is likely to be female. (Or alien, Or animal. But not male, apparently!!)

Of course, Susan (or you) never claims that Anna is her chid - we just assume that. So Anna is the nanny? Well, maybe.

Okay. You've lost me. I think I need another five hundred words of explanation.

Still in the dark. In fact, more in the dark than ever.

john

crowspark at 12:40 on 09 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan
Yes, I read this again and I'm still in the dark I'm afraid.
If you are going for a surprise twist you can trail it so that knowing the ending puts a new light on the words being used when read a second time. But I'm afraid I don't get this. :(

Bill

Jordan789 at 21:55 on 09 October 2007  Report this post
man. Thank you both for giving this another go.

It might be a simple grammatical error. If you copy "And that she's a he, I left out." And don't look at the precluding sentance, then yes, it would seem that she is a he. But if you look at, " “It’s just… easier to tell people we’re married.” And that she’s a he, I left out. " Then maybe it changes things? I think tractor is the only person who was able to follow this.

Thanks for giving it the extra reading and sticking with it with me. I'll be putting this one aside for a while though and starting afresh. The drama doesn't really seem to be where it needs to be with this one. Maybe it's too far outside of my scope to be writing about.

Anyways, cheers.

Jordan

Forbes at 18:40 on 10 October 2007  Report this post
Ok...

I think that Anna is one half of female relationship - so the little girl has 2 mommies as it were, and that Susan & Grace made out way back when.

Am I anyway close?

If so I thought it was really good! If not I still think it was really good!

Are you going to try submitting? Perhaps the "house" publishing company (joke!) - EDF? We WW-ers seem to be getting a lot on there at the moment. I think they'll love it.

TFR

Cheers

Forbes

V`yonne at 20:28 on 10 October 2007  Report this post
Jordan,
Maybe it's too far outside of my scope to be writing about.
No. You have lots of great points above to work off. Why not just choose one of those perspectives on it and go for that? It's already a good piece - with a flaw - so just correct the flaw (from your favourite above) and send it on its way.
Oonah


Jordan789 at 22:14 on 10 October 2007  Report this post
Yes! Forbes! That's what I was shooting for. Thank you.

Oonah, thanks for the vote of confidence, and I guess I'll stick with it and maybe try sending it off. Persistence. Damn Persistence.

Jordan

Jumbo at 09:00 on 11 October 2007  Report this post
Ah ... so one half of a female-female relationship.

Now that explains a lot - and makes it a great story.

Maybe Susan should have added 'Of course, I didn't say that he was a she.'

Or would that have been too direct?

This has great potential - but you do need to iron out those snags. :)

All the best

john



Forbes at 14:20 on 12 October 2007  Report this post
Jordan

just a thought.

And that she’s a he, I left out.


if you were to write

And that she is a he - I left out.


it gives it a subtle emphasis - yes? no?

Discard at will!

Forbes



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