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Karmic Lie

by Esther Frances 

Posted: 11 November 2007
Word Count: 179
Summary: Sex, lies and rock and roll......


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Karmic Lie

You lie there
so still
counting stubborn looking sheep
A crack in the ceiling
eases itself slowly open
Boredom spilling out
and dripping
Split, splat,
Split, splat,
Blinking on your forehead
Weeping in your third eye
The Union Jack
flying like a flagging tear
marking up the end
of yet another unrequited love
That rhythmic movement
rocking back and forth
side to side
paralysed with familiarity
I am numb
Spilling yourself by accident
But inside nothing moves
In you

And so Iím like a corpse
And you
You want to curl up and cry
Unkissed
Unloved
Misunderstood
And so do I

And yet the comfort
Of the ride is sweet
Endowed with what U R
Like a sleeping mouse
Smooth and brown
It seemed so harmless
The love so innocent and pure
And then I see

I see

Your dreams
Your fantasies
Your pornographic scenes
The bastard of a thing
That is your destiny
Your karmic tripwire
in suspenders and high heels
You, in control
Them, in submission

I realise with a sinking heart
you truly lie






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 21:54 on 12 November 2007  Report this post
Hello Esther, There is so much I love about this but it has no spaces for reflection and the end has not the subtilty of the rest of the poem.
I wasn't quite sure what
The Union Jack
flying like a flagging tear
marking up the end
had to do with it.

And so Iím like a corpse
And you
You want to curl up and cry
Unkissed
Unloved
Misunderstood
And so do I


I thik this is wonderful interms of both feeling and language, the rhyme emphasises well. Here I would have left a line to savour that.

The ending seems overstated.
And as you lie
I realise
with a sinking heart
That you TRULY DO LIE


I realise with a sinking heart
you truly lie.

Would be more powerful. Less is more sometimes.

Feel free to ignore but I just liked it.

Oonah



Esther Frances at 01:20 on 13 November 2007  Report this post
Dear Oonah

Thanks do much for your comments! Yes the end escalated from boredom into anger thus the loss of subtleness! The Union Jack was me to represent 'thinking of England' but may have been too subtle! The overstated line was also due to irritation - I will make the changes you suggest and thanks a lot! Esther

Account Closed at 06:45 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Esther Frances
I really like this.
You carefully cock the gun, and wait until the last line to fire.
Its very skilled.
So skilled that it made me feel uncomfortable, and I think
its important for a writer to be able to do that.
Well done




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