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Ups and Downs

by Ambitions of Lisa 

Posted: 12 November 2007
Word Count: 136


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How can one day be so beautiful,
and the next be so dreary?
I speak not of the sun highlighting the wonder of nature,
nor of grey clouds and dull drizzle,
but of you, of me, of us

How can it feel so warm one moment,
and icy cold the next?
Our togetherness was once so hot, untouchable,
and suddenly turned frosty, biting
as I step back, withdraw

Mornings were vibrant as I looked ahead.
Tomorrow I will awake, wilted!
Turning from a lovely golden Autumn leaf,
to a dead wintery leaf that falls apart so easily
after falling so far

If I were a crayon, what colour would I be?
Yesterday I was red, passionate, today grey, discarded,
once bringing colour and brightness
and now uncertain of my place in your picture
feeling your rejection






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Comments by other Members



Ticonderoga at 15:02 on 13 November 2007  Report this post
This is beautifully poised, though obviously written with intense feeling - really very well crafted, I think. Rather than an emotional 'splurge' this has a very moving feeling of being an attempt to put all in perspective as a way of coping with hurt.
My only suggestion is that you cut the last line - that's been said, and if you finish with the image of the picture, it'll be even more powerful, I think.

<Added>

Sorry - didn't sign off:

Write on!

Best,

Mike

DeepBlueGypsy at 20:29 on 13 November 2007  Report this post
Lisa, this well done. I especially love the last stanza. What a difference a day makes. From highest of highs to lowest of lows. Well done. DBG

James Graham at 22:26 on 13 November 2007  Report this post
As Mike says, there's strong emotion running through this poem but it isn't merely an outpouring. You've found a form that helps to contain the feeling.

If you cut the last line the pattern of the stanzas would be broken - all the others have a shorter last line. Maybe an expansion of the idea in the second-last line so that it fills two lines, e.g.

and now uncertain that I appear anywhere
in your picture.


As a closing line, 'feeling your rejection' is really too obvious. Everything in the poem already implies it.

James.

joanie at 22:09 on 20 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Lisa. I'm late - sorry. This is very controlled, I feel; despite the emotions which are portrayed very well, it is beautifully calm.

I wonder whether the opening two lines moght be better without the second 'be'?
How can one day be so beautiful,
and the next so dreary?
I think it sounds better in the tenor of the language which follows.

I sort of agree with Mike about scrapping the last line, but I think it would be better if it were re-worked a bit.
If I were a crayon, what colour would I be?
Yesterday I was red, passionate; today grey, discarded,
once bringing colour and brightness -
now uncertain of my place


I enjoyed the read!

joanie

Ambitions of Lisa at 19:54 on 22 November 2007  Report this post
Thank you for the comments everyone,
Much appreciated.
I'll work on it...
L

:)


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