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The Cave

by DerekH 

Posted: 14 November 2007
Word Count: 378
Summary: Inspired by a dream (If anyone has any idea what is means then feel free to suggest ;). I wrote it down because the imagery felt very rich...and because at this time of night I'll write any old.......and since I've not written in a while, I just hoped that sharing might help me back into it.


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This is my cavern, my cell. A chamber of smooth rock where occasional amber jewels glint and damp lines of deep red break the warm golden hues.

There is nothing in here but me, and I occupy only the corner. One sharp corner in an otherwise curving natural cave, just one very definite corner, and I sit with my back to it. It is a small space and I see it all from here, there is nothing to explore, but there are ways out of this empty place, if only I could move.

To my left is a rough, arched opening to a high ledge. Yellow flowers grow on the ledge, and slender trees with the richest green leaves rise from a soil Iíve never seen; their swaying tops of lush foliage hint at the great height and tell a tale of the Eden below. Creatures stand on the ledge; some breed of human perhaps descended from ape and bear, with soft fur and childlike eyes. They are happy and sunrays carry their happiness and their world into my cave. The ledge promises comfort even within its limited dimensions, and maybe the ledge becomes a path to the wonderful gardens where the seeds of those tall trees fall, but from here I cannot be sure and it is a narrow and precarious strip. The creatures stand at the arch and offer a smiling welcome.

To my right is another arch (the only other), ornate, carved by hand. Beyond this arch a black ocean rages, thrashing and swirling in turbulent fury. The expanse of dark water screams of bottomless depths, home to mystery and monsters and wonders unexplored. There are no islands, no visible land, what dwells there is hidden below, deep below. Tales of excitement and discovery glisten in every drop of spray that splashes into my cave, the scent is salty and tempting. From here the black ocean could appear a place to be feared, but it promises that to sink into those depths, to die and be reborn in that world, would bring treasures reserved only for the brave and an awakening into a long lost dream.

But I stay in my corner, and I shout the same name. Again, and again, and again, and again.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 15:29 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
DerekH, Absolutely wonderful. Such vivid description and a mingling sence of isolation, longing and fear. I was glad to read it here in my cell.

Oonah

DerekH at 19:38 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
Oonah, thank you so much for reading and for those very kind comments.

Derek

V`yonne at 21:40 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
DerekH, Isolation is my middle name, I just go by Fear most of the time because it avoids abrieviation!! On here I'm V'onne but Prosp/Sean calls me Surface.
There is nothing in here but me, and I occupy only the corner. One sharp corner in an otherwise curving natural cave, just one very definite corner, and I sit with my back to it. It is a small space and I see it all from here, there is nothing to explore, but there are ways out of this empty place, if only I could move.

Have we met?

DerekH at 22:15 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
Fear, I can't think how we could have met...isolation just doesn't go with meetings ;) Perhaps I've heard you scratching away at the rock walls of the cave next door... Tell you what, I'll start scratching away at it from my side too...

Derek

tiger_bright at 11:16 on 16 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Derek, this had the nightmarish quality I expected after reading your intro, but you'd succeeded into making it something more than just a recounted dream. The sense of isolation, of glimpsed possible worlds - safe and unsafe - were very powerful. I wanted to know what name he kept shouting, maybe even his own, to add to the weirdness?

If I was going to be super-picky I'd suggest you pare down some of the descriptives in this line:

A chamber of smooth rock where occasional amber jewels glint and damp lines of deep red break the warm golden hues

One two many conflicting colours and impressions there, I think. I'd maybe consider removing the whole of "occasional amber jewels glint and". I loved the "damp lines of deep red".

Just my personal opinion, so do ignore me. I thought the rest of it had a stark feel which was a little undermined (no pun intended) by the slightly "purple" feel to that early line.

I can see Crimson Highway liking this, a lot.

Thanks for a powerful read.

Tiger

DerekH at 13:33 on 16 November 2007  Report this post
Tiger, Thanks so much for you're kind comments and for the feedback. I do tend to get a bit purple if no one stops me ;) I rarely submit my work anywhere but I will look at Crimson Highway thanks.

Really glad you got it, and I will go back and tidy up... I can see now that I don't even need the jewels, they're not at all important. Very glad you liked "damp lines of deep red", I kinda liked it too, felt lyrical....(is it bad to like my own stuff? hehe ;)

Feels good to be involved in writing again so a big thanks for reading and commenting!

Derek

tiger_bright at 13:46 on 16 November 2007  Report this post
Definitely okay to like your own stuff! "Damp lines of deep red" is very lyrical, great use of assonance, too.

I look forward to seeing more flashes from you.

Tiger

V`yonne at 13:53 on 16 November 2007  Report this post
DerekH, Why not replace warm golden hues with amber hues. Amber is warm golden and it's such a beautiful image it's a pity to lose it.

Oonah

crowspark at 13:25 on 18 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Derek

This is very rich stuff. It seems to be about imagination, the natural, safe and welcoming, and the active imagination, offering threat, excitement and the resolution of un-met desire. To that end your last line clinches the deal. Yes, Crimson Highway might like this.

Brilliant! Can't wait to read some more.

Best
Bill


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